How are You Dealing with Being the Sandwich Generation?
February 29, 2008 | 1 Comment
My mom, bless her heart, turns 80 next year. I worry about her. My sister lives with her while my mom cares for my nephews, which she’s done for the past 20 years or so. I think it’s time for her to hang up her apron-strings and relax already.
I imagined my retirement would be a care-free time, chockfull of opportunities to do the exciting things you put off while raising a family. You know, like travel and perfecting my cooking. Well, turns out that might a fantasy. Baby boomers (and older adults) are squished by on both sides- caring for children and aging parents. Seems like care-giving never ends and I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just bewildering.
Did you know over 50% of people in their 60-70s provide financial support to their children? Me, neither. Or, that a quarter of folks over 70 lend a hand with household chores like cooking, cleaning and shopping to a relative or friends, according to studies? Those figures might not be any different than earlier generations, but it feels different now because families are so geographically far-flung and the stressed.
Welcome to the Sandwich Generation, my friends. There are over 16 million people who describe themselves as caregivers for both their children and elderly parents. Think you might be one? Here’s a humorous Top 10 list from CareStation, a site designed to help families cope with aging:
“Top Ten” list to identify those “hams” out there balancing the breads and with more on your plate than you need, read this – and enjoy:
10. You envy people who lead simpler, less stressful lives, like air-traffic controllers.
9. Your old 9-to-5 grind is now the “good ol’ days.”
8. You wonder how much it would cost to have your dining room set laminated.
7. You’re convinced that both Spongebob and Matlock are out to get you.
6. You’ll never forget your last vacation, “Summer ‘05: Daiquiris at the Mall.
5. You save the nice sippy cups for company.
4. You’d kick your oldest son out, but he’s the only one who can work the TV.
3. You apply for a patent for Adjust-a-Loo, the world’s first multigenerational toilet.
2. Your Dad reminds you he doesn’t need high SATs to get into a good nursing home.
1. Mom ran out of Depends? One word: Huggies.
Number 4 resonates with me (except my Handsome has a few more years before he’s out of the house!)
Since I can’t convince my mom to move in with me- no matter how many times I’ve begged her over the years- I’m starting to line up resources to help us both cope with what’s ahead. Boomer Chronicles had a terrific article that lists all sorts of emerging businesses devoted to elder care. Even remotely, I can be a caregiver and make a difference in her daily life.
I was also thrilled to learn about entrepreneurs like Katherine Freund who are developing services that allow elders to be active, social and independent. Freund runs the national Independent Transportation Network, which is like a ‘ride bank’ for non-driving seniors. You can pay to have someone drive your loved one or volunteer and bank the hours for your own family. Like my plan for TMT, Katherine took a passion of her own and turned it into a elder care business that helps others. That’s creative problem-solving.
What are you doing to take care of your loved ones without ending up like a smushed PBJ sandwich?
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If you knew on your wedding day what you know now about your spouse, would you have gotten married?
February 27, 2008 | 3 Comments
Sure, lots of folks will do the ‘knee-jerk’ reaction and say yes, but really answer honestly. This question examines not only on your spouse (then and now) but also you and your judgments and beliefs (then and now).
We’ve been through alot in our eight years. I’ve seen my swubby from every angle- so far- and he’s a keeper. He’s exactly what I asked the universe for. I don’t care that my sweetie is super literal. I can deal with procrastination. What I can’t live without is his good heart and kindness.
So, what I know now is: don’t sweat the small stuff. Now, if we had major fundamental differences that might change my tune…
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What is a Wife’s role: moneymaker or homemaker?
February 24, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Tricky question, isn’t it. I’m sure most folks would say that the roles should be shared by partners. At least, that’s the PC thing to say. But I wonder if that’s true in actual practice.
According to a study by two sociologists at the University of Virginia, the happiest wives are the ones who have breadwinner husbands. The National Survey of Families and Households queried 5000 couples to see what made for a happy marriage.
Turns out that when a wife feels her husband is emotionally engaged (read: pays attention and listens, fellas) that she is happier. So happy, in fact, that that long list of Saturday chores doesn’t have to be split 50-50% The happiest wivves expect a little less housework in exchange for more ‘breadwinning’.
Truly, I don’t know how this sits with my feminist nature. We started with equal responsibilities and somehow things changed. Even though my swubby and I both run profitable businesses, I still end of doing most of the home stuff like grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, social scheduling, etc. It just works better this way, and I’m not really sure why.
Are you happier to do housework and let your husband worry about the money?
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Should your spouse be an agent of reality or your most loyal fan?
February 22, 2008 | 1 Comment
I don’t like being told what to do. It’s not that I’m not open to advice, I am. It’s simply that I generally know what I’m doing and I dislike being contradicted. (insert laughter here)
Happily, my husband understands that about me. He remains silent when I miss the tennis ball while we’re playing Wii. He’s learned not to kibbutz in the kitchen while I’m cooking. He’s supposed to be my biggest supporter and most loyal fan, not a critic.
But there are times when I need an objective opinion and there’s no one I trust more than him. My swubby is wise, patient and smart. His mind is analytical while mine tends to be more intuitive. I need him to be a reality-check. I learned that when I upgraded to Vista instead of taking his suggestion to remain with Windows XP (Honey, you were rrrrrrright!)
Although it’s clear that a spouse can be, and possibly should be both, which do you prefer:
Do you want a reality check or a ‘atta boy’ from your mate?
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If you knew on your wedding day what you know now about your spouse, would you have gotten married?
Bitter, Sad or Nonexistent: Why Does Hollywood Hate Boomer Couples?
February 21, 2008 | 3 Comments
Julie Christie in Away From Her Julie Christie is an amazing actress. Her performance, in what’s been called the Alzheimer’s movie, Away from Her, is Oscar-worthy. Sophisticated, subtle and very powerful, it’s a grown up film about grown-ups in a long-standing marriage of forty years, what I lovingly call ‘the back-end of marriage’.
If you haven’t seen the film, don’t miss it when it hits Netflix . It’s such a disarming story; it stirred up a lot of thought at our house especially because we’ve had health threats that demanded we consider dark days that may be ahead. The movie also highlighted, for me, how infrequently we see ‘mature’ couples in the media. Alright, I mean old. I was reminded of that again this morning when I heard an NPR interview with Julie about the body of her work. (Did you know she’s had a very long career and won several Oscars and nominations, including two for performances she gave after 50?)
I’ve noticed that older couples are portrayed on TV as mean and bitter. For example, have you ever seen TV comedy show, Til Death? The couple hate each other. Could you get a more gruesome picture of love in the later years? The movies aren’t much better, and may be worse. Since not many actresses survive to act past forty it makes it hard to have middle aged couples (or older) at all. I hear that Brothers and Sisters does a nice job with Sally Field and Danny Glover, but I think that may be it.
Happily things may be changing. HBO featured Jane Alexander as part of a loving mature couple having -gasp!-sex. And, I’m not talking ‘close-your-eyes-and think of grand-kids’ sex. It was lusty stuff that made me pretty hopeful for the future. Tell Me You Love Me was an amazingly frank look inside the relationships of several married couples. There were times when I had to run from the room because the emotions were so raw, but I never missed an episode.
It felt real, like my life. I want more Tell Me and I don’t think I’m the only one.
Anyway, <i>Why are midlife couples ignored in the media?</i>
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What has traveling with your spouse taught you about yourself?
February 20, 2008 | 1 Comment
It’s vacation time at our house. Soon, we’ll be off to Las Vegas to see the sights. Normally, we do the caribbean thing, but this time we’re trying sin city. Heck, we might even get hitched!
I’m reminded how travel brings out the true colors in each of us. I am my best and worst self when I travel. I know that because my swubby (sweet hubby) acts like a mirror, allowing me to reflect on how I’m acting, thinking, or reacting to new, strange situations.
We start each trip the same way. I’m excited and organized to the teeth. My dearheart is generally a little less so. But he makes up for it by being cool, calm and collected on the return trip, while I have nightmares about missing return flights, leaving stuff in the hotel room and such. Each of us has a talent for navigation: he does places, I do people and things.
Recently, we’ve acknowledged that every single trip must include IT. Typically, IT happens early and once complete, we have a lovely time. IT is a fight…over nothing…that involves yelling. Crazy, but so far it’s unavoidable. Go figure.
What kind of traveler would you spouse say you are?
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Is it true that whomever makes the gold makes the rules in a marriage?
February 19, 2008 | 2 Comments
That’s a pretty ballsy statement, and probably not PC, but I wonder how many would agree with that privately.We say we’re all for equality in marriage but do we live that as a practice? I’d guess no, if our household is any indication. We don’t have a 50/50 split in terms of housework or finances at our house. The one more able to provide- time, money, brainpower, kisses-simply does, and because life is in flux, it all balances out. That is part of our commitment to each other.
I don’t have to tell you that money and marriage is a very complex issue. When I think more about this topic it becomes clear that part of the trouble is how we define work. How many times have you heard someone say, ‘Oh, I’m a mom. I don’t work’ or something similar? We’re all socialized to think that work that happens outside the home for pay is somehow more worthy, more significant, more period. Which is ironic because what’s more significant than creating and shaping the life of another human being?
Even if a woman works outside the home for pay, there’s a tendency to view the husband’s income as essential while the wife’s income is for extras. (Ok, I hear some saying who thinks like that? Plenty of people, and maybe even someone you’re married to. ) I think that puts a wife in the ‘less than’ position, which again shifts the balance of power over to the husband.
One I started poking around I found some interesting resources. Suze Orman, financial guru featured in Oprah magazine, has a fairly interactive online workbook for getting couples in ‘financial synch’ called A Couple’s Guide to Managing Money. I was also curious about Rhony Mahony’s book, Kidding Ourselves: which discusses how we unwittingly make choices that lead to an unfair division of labor and applies sophisticated negotiation theory to family dynamics. Could be a fun Sunday read.
Does money equate to power in a relationship? And, if so, does being a homemaker have significant value to make that person powerful in the relationship?
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If you love to give to your partner, are you depriving them of the joy of pleasing you?
February 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Gift-giving is a complex task that has been the subject of a number of research studies. I did my own informal survey on whether people in relationships felt more comfortable as the giver or the receiver. I notice that most people felt they were better givers. There’s was tremendous joy, pride, accomplishment gained in being able to bring pleasure to your partner. I get that. There’s nothing better than seeing my swubby’s grin and knowing I’m the reason.
Still….
I’m learning that by not receiving I’m actually depriving <b>him</b> of the joy of pleasing me. For Valentine’s Day we visited Stir, the demonstration kitchen of America’s foremost chef Barbara Lynch, where we had the most scrumptious six course meal prepared right before our eyes.
This meal easily makes it into my top 5 meals of all time list (Thanks- Colin Lynch and Caitlin Champagne!) Any meal that starts with oysters and champagne is very likely to be yummy. My absolute favorite dish was the Eggs and Soldiers- velvety eggs with lobster ragu, vodka creme fraiche and caviar- because the flavors and textures were so well balanced. I’m a huge, huge foodie (well, my interest-not my waist..yet) so the chance to learn professional cooking techniques, question the chefs and eat remarkable food was heaven. I beamed. He beamed more knowing how pleased I was.
Each time I gush to someone about it he gets a little smirk on his face. He’s thrilled. It’s almost like we gave a gift to each other. Realizing this, I’m determined to receive well in the future.
<i>Why do some folks find it hard to receive?</i>
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What three things should every happy couple know?
February 14, 2008 | 3 Comments
It’s the million dollar question, isn’t it. Everyone wants to be part of a happy married couple. But there are an endless number of pitfalls and obstacles to overcome to be a happy couple. What’s on your short list of essential things that someone who want to end up a happy old couple should know? s
Couples are happy when they…
Marriages last because…
What would you tell your son or daughter?
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Do You Avoid Fighting with your Spouse?
February 13, 2008 | Leave a Comment
It seems to be a cultural norm here that fighting with your spouse is wrong. In fact, many people go out of their way to avoid fighting only to cause more misery by bottling up their feelings.
Personally, I started off as a ‘grudge holder’. Man, I was the champion. My razor-sharp memory could recall the minute details of the last conversation/act/thing that royally pissed me off. It was ugly. This marriage I’ve gone completely in the other direction, perhaps to the chagrin of my poor swubby. I discuss my needs, desires and beliefs and expect him to do the same (that’s when we start fighting 
)
Turns out fighting can be good for you. According to the University of Michigan Public School of Health, folks that hold in those angry feelings are twice as likely to die early. So, I’m actually saving our lives with all the introspection- I’ll have to bring that up at dinner tonight.
So, would you rather suffer or fight?
Sidenote:
As a mediator, I know how tough it can be for people to express their feelings, especially the ones we perceive as negative like anger, disappointment and hurt. What I discovered over the years is that the dread of talking and negative predictions about outcomes are much, much worse than the actual conversation. And, even if things don’t get resolved entirely, the conversation itself will clear the air. Here are a few quick tips to get started:
- Decide what’s your purpose in having the conversation. Convey a message. Understand better. Solve a problem Generally piss the person off. (you’ll have less success with this last one)
- Identify what you need from the person. Notice I didn’t say want. As the song says, ‘you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need’.
- Be curious instead of confrontational. Ask genuine questions to understand your partner’s interest, needs, concerns. It’s a lot easier to be open and give when we know the other person cares
- Recognize that agreeing to disagree is a viable solution. Not every dispute has an answer or answer right now.
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