When Was the Last Time You Thanked Your Spouse?
March 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment
This morning we got into a bit of a tiff over whether Handsome Son needs to clean his room more. It was a small storm but there was some residual tension in the air while we both did chores in the kitchen. I’m a big fan of Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret. So I decided to think hard about feeling grateful. I intended to be grateful for my guy, who is typically pretty wonderful. It may seem like nonsense but I think there’s something powerful there. Decide for yourself- visit her site
To further that intention, I started saying thank you to him. Thanks for folding the laundry. Thanks for taking it upstairs. Thanks for reminding not to burn my breakfast because I’m too engrossed in the newspaper. He ignored me at first, then slowly things changed. In no time we were back to normal. It worked!
There’s something about the energy or vibration of gratitude that works wonders on our hearts, don’t you think? Well, so does Dr. Robert Emmons who did study that linked gratitude and well-being. Turns out we’re more attentive, alert, and dare I say it- happy- when we realize our blessings.
I’m sure I could be more appreciative in my words (actions, I do fine). I was doing great then I forgot. It’s easy to do -what with kids, work… Yet, it’s the small moments that are the ‘glue’ that holds couples together. For those of you who want to know how to use gratitude to mend your relationship check out this article.
Have you said thank you lately to your sweetheart?
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This Marriage Thing Has 286 Subscribers–Sweet!
March 29, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Valentine’s Day Gift
Launching TMT on Valentine’s Day this year seemed poetic and appropriate. (Many thanks to Ryan Burns my blog designer who turned a good idea into a stylish blog with minutes to spare. ) Anyway, I love Valentine’s Day. It’s cheesy and silly. But what’s wrong with an official opportunity to love up your friends and family. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Right from the start I was thrilled to have an outlet, besides my poor swubby, to talk about the stuff that’s important to me. My goal was to have 100 RSS subscribers in 90 days. You know, ease my way in. Even though I’ve been blogging about mediation and marketing for over 3 years at MediationMensch.com, this blog is personal and feels precious so I’m nervous about doing a good job and having readers.
Feedburner, Duh!
I signed up for Google analytics and Feedburner immediately. Numbers rolled in but I didn’t have a clue what they meant. Looking at the stats, I was kinda disappointed to see them. They seemed low and I felt like a wallflower.
Anyway, thank goodness for Trina, my new assistant. She actually understands Feedburner-ese, and laughed when I said I wished I had more readers. She’d read the stats and thought my progress was very good for a newbie. Turns out, I was reading the damned report wrong. Doh!
My Flying Nun Moment
I downloaded the Excel sheet, followed Trina’s patient instructions and viola! 162 subscribers! This Marriage Thing gained 162 readers in one month, exceeding my expectations. I couldn’t help thinking, You like me. You really, really like me, my Sally Field moment.
I’m grateful and thrilled that you want to read (and maybe talk, hmmm) about the insides of marriage. Thank you for reading and being part of this growing community.
More Stuff
This is a happy marriage blog. Of course, marriage will remain the touchstone for everything we discuss, but lately I find myself drawn to topics like elder care, universal home design and relocation. All ideas that can impact marriage. So, even as you find more varied topics and guests here, know that they’re connected by that thread.
I’m also thinking about talking about my twin obsessions more. Food and travel are essential to my happiness, and honestly, our marriage. We grow leaps during our trips and adventures. I plan to do a travel series (What’s your dream trip?) and maybe a cookbook roundup soon.
Book reviews are also in the works. The array of marriage/self help books is staggering, and I personally would like a ’short list’. If you have a book on improving relationships, marriage or lifestyle retirement planning, maybe I can review it here. Shoot me an email at Dina(AT)thismarriagething.com
What do you think about all this?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:8 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage
What has traveling with your spouse taught you about yourself?
Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
Would You Marry Again if Widowed?
March 26, 2008 | 2 Comments
Interesting question because I have so many different role models to choose from. My father-in-law, Herb, hasn’t let death or divorce keep him from being married, his natural state. My mom, on the other hand, wouldn’t take vows again for a million dollars. She says she’s done caring for men.
Karma Kitja posted a terrific question on her blog: Women Only: Who Wants Committment? I couldn’t resist asking the same question here. There’s a lot wrapped up into it.
Marrying a Third Time
I don’t think I’d marry again. It would be hard to top what I have now. Besides, learning a whole new person- their likes, dislikes, attitudes and moods sound more like work than fun. But I do think I’d want companionship for dinner and travel. And, that doesn’t have to come attached to a penis.
Ladies, would you marry again in your bonus years?
Guys, feel free to answer, too. I’m betting more men say yes.
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Happy Loving Day!
Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?
Have we failed to teach our children enough about marriage?
Are We Our Parents’ Parents?
March 25, 2008 | 1 Comment
Curious question, huh? It came to me in that lazy, piecemeal way most interesting questions do. The origin was a discussion I had with my TBD group (This Marriage Thing). I love reading all the different responses to my wacky questions. People really challenge me to open my perspective with their answers. That’s way cool.
Any way, the earlier discussion question was: What’s your biggest question about finding care for your aging parents? I was surprised by the passionate opinion of one member who didn’t expect a thing from his children. It introduced the idea that not every elder wants to be cared for in the way a kid might think.
We are Not Our Parents’ Parents
My mom, Mary, is very spry at the ripe old age of 80, but I’m not deluding myself that her good health will last forever. Finding a good solution for her care when I’m in another state has been an occupation of mine for the last few years. I felt my role as eldest daughter demanded I take charge of this. I’m a big planner. Seemed to me the best solution was for Mom to live with or very close to me.
My mom has been fending off my offers to- move in, move closer, move to closer to your sister- for years. Sure, she wanted to be independent but I thought she’d get over it. I started asking when she was 60. She’s 80 now and still says I have to watch the house. To which I reply, Is it gonna do tricks? She has other plans.
So, I am not my mother’s mother. She’s a grown women who deserves to make her own choices to the very end, whether I like them or not. My job is to love her and help her achieve what she wants in the best way possible. Speaking of which, check out the inventive means three brothers employ to lovingly care for their 91 year old mom, Mary.
Breaking the Cycle
I’m almost over the hill now-just joking. But I do realize my kids may be feeling the same pressures to protect me. Since my diagnosis of MS they tend to hover a bit. I’m gonna sit them down and have a talk about how involved I’d like all three of us to be as I age. I already got a hint . I jokingly asked Handsome if I could come live with him when I was old. He paused then said he thought of me as the independent type who wouldn’t want to live with her kids, so no. That boy!
You can get help planning for your future care from AGIS, a portal for elder care issues.
What would you tell your kids about dealing with you as you age ?
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What About Marriage Frightens You?
March 20, 2008 | 5 Comments
This is a 3 a.m. question. I have insomnia so I often get a chance to ponder a juicy 3 a.m. question.
Me+Me= We
I was afraid of losing myself to marriage when I was a young bride. I was frightened of being molded into someone else like a dutiful, boring wife . I’d be Mrs. Lawyer. Not Dina, the mediator. I didn’t want to change my ‘Dina-ness’
Wife +Mom=- Dina
That is what happened, of course, the minute I became a mother. I love my kids; they are my heart. But I lost me in trying to be the very best mother for them. It was years before I remembered what I liked to do on a Saturday. Marriage took it’s toll on Dina-ness, too.
Twice as Nice
Second time around the ol’ marriage block, things are different. No identity crisis–when I hit 40 my Dina-ness peaked. I’m all me– all the time–like it or lump it. Stubborn girl that I am, experience finally taught me a little more about love and what it truly looks like. (Hint: it doesn’t always look like you’d expect)
How Do You Stop the Sun from Shining?
This time around I worry about not having enough time together. I feel blessed to find my b’sheert. We’ve been together, my swubby and I, for eight years, with the last 2 as newlyweds. I’m happily married. (I wonder how many people would honestly say that?) Not without drama or difficulty, but it’s really nice. So much so, I’ll need at least another 20 years. My swubby says he’ll try to make that happen.
What about marriage keeps you up at night?
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Does Marriage Suck?
Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?
March 14, 2008 | 7 Comments
Really, is the idea of marriage like a social disease that passes from one partner to the next driven by societal and religious forces? It’s a totally radical way of thinking of marriage. Take it in for a moment. Do we get married because we want to or have to….
Perfect Wedding- Not!
Marriage is a time-honored tradition (not to mention a very lucrative industry) that most women and some men fantasize about, but also one that raises fear and doubt. People dream of being married, right? Then, why does a Google search reveal over 200k incidences for a search on ‘marriage sucks’? Or, over 500K for the term ‘divorce advice’. Relationship and marriage forums are lousy with people complaining about their spouses; how hard their lives are and why they are trapped, tortured, desperately unhappy.
Sounds horrible yet there are over 2 million marriages a year. Who would sign up for such misery unless they were ill or crazy, or maybe both? Milt, a member of my This Marriage Thing at TBD group, got me thinking about this. Maybe we marry not for love, but because we’ve got a social disease. We’re conditioned to think of marriage as ideal.
I Was Infected
My first marriage was very much ‘virus induced’. I spent 19 years studying when you count college and law school. That’s a long time for hard work and no play. When I graduated I wanted the life my friends had which included marriage and kids. It was time to get married. By some standards I was already an old maid at 28. Time for the American dream. So, I pursued that just like I pursue all my goals-fiercely!
Looking back, I know I was under the influence of something else, the social virus of marriage. The contagion was powerful and I couldn’t resist having the exact life that my parents, my friends, and society expected. I never gave being single a single thought because every day something or someone else re-infected me. I fell in line like one of those bone-munching zombies in the Shaun of the Dead , or the book ‘I am Legend’ by Richard Matheson. Once infected, I was doomed to comply.
What’s the Source of Marital Dis-ease?
Personally, I’m blaming all those damned fairy tales for making marriage the ideal. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty were all out for one thing: to marry a prince. Happily ever after was assumed. I dare you to name one Disney heroine who isn’t married( maybe Mulan?)
Maybe, marriage is the ideal because it’s a social indicator. The second thing most people want to know when they meet you is: are you married? For some folks your status says a lot. It sure felt like my ’social capital’ when up or down depending on whether I was married or divorced. Divorcees are feared, you know. And, to be honest, I truly enjoyed my divorced and single days, once I got past feeling guilty or like the wallflower at the big prom with no date.
Do we marry because we want to or because of some social imperative?
Just for the record, I love being married now. (key music) ‘If there’s a cure for this I don’t want, I don’t want it… If there’s cure for this, I’ll run from it’ What tune is that music fans? Answer to follow in a follow up post.
Does Marriage Suck?
Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
What About Marriage Frightens You?
What’s Your Biggest Question about Finding Help to Care for an Elderly Relative or Parent?
March 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I talk to my mom each week, sometimes several times. At almost 80, she’s incredibly spry and active. Yet, a recent bout with the flu reminded me that won’t always be true. And, because I live in MA while she’s in NY it worries me that I can’t be there myself to help out. Yesterday, I attended a brief lecture on being sensitive to elder needs while handing care arrangements lead by a mediator who plans to specialize in elder care issues. Good stuff.
Searching the internet has been a godsend and a curse. So many new online resources- too many really to make a good choice. Then, there’s the question of which ones, in which order- free or paid. Driving service, cleaning service, healthcare advocate….A daughter could go nuts!
I think there must be an easier way, so I’m thinking about writing a guide to save me, and others, time and aggravation, in vetting online and off-line services. Maybe, even a state-by-state guide of free and paid stuff. But I’m not sure what makes sense.
What would you want to see included in a one-stop guide about elder care?
PS What does this have to do with marriage,you ask? My mother and swubby adore each other. However, I think splitting my attention and energies will definitely impact us, especially when I need to travel to NY more frequently as her condition changes. When my father’s mother came to live with them it was pretty clear that it caused a rift between them because it increased my mother’s workload enormously while my father got all the praise.
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How are You Dealing with Being the Sandwich Generation?
Are you OK with your spouse having very close friends of the opposite sex?
Do You See Yourself Retiring?
March 3, 2008 | 3 Comments
My dad dreamed of his retirement. He worked over 30 years as a custodian, but in his heart, he was an entrepreneur and traveler. We spent long evenings talking about how he’d finally launch his hot dog truck or what towns we’d stop in during our RV trip across the country. He saved his most precious goals for his golden years. Only he never reached them. He died at 57, one month after he took early retirement. What a shame.
Given that history, I want to start my ‘transition’ a bit earlier. That’s what I call the journey I’m on now- my transition. I don’t think I’ll ever retire in the traditional sense of the word. I won’t stop working because it fulfills me and I need the money for life’s pleasures like travel and great food.
Retiring would be a disaster. I find it hard not to do something for 15 minutes let alone relaxing for 15-20 years! I don’t know about you, but I really like learning new things and being active. I stay current and I think that helps my outlook (and mind) stay youthful. In fact, my kids joke that I’ll have to live forever to accomplish all the projects I want to start (there’s the cookbook for college men, a blog for multiracial people, a magazine swap-meet…)
And, I’m not alone! Many boomers are starting a second act. Statistics suggest that 80% of boomers don’t plan on retiring at 62. That’s astonishing, don’t you think? According to an NY Times interview with Marc Freedman, the founder of Experience Corps and Civic Ventures, millions of boomers will begin to develop second careers, which he calls encore careers. We’re using our experience and expertise to drive businesses and social causes that enable us to give back and to look ahead with optimism.
This Marriage Thing blog is officially my encore career. It’s a great plan because I can do the things I love most: read, learn, and communicate wherever I am in the world and with a lot of flexibility. Although I haven’t done it yet, I envision blogging from the beach in Madrid, or sharing my experiences on a cooking vacation to Thailand. It could happen and it will.
What do you want to do in the bonus years?
PS Thinking about starting a business? I plan on talking about that in a later post. For now, check out Civic Ventures. It’s a business incubator for folks over 50. And, consider attending the What’s Next Boomer Business Summit It’s a unique opportunity to network and get ideas. The early bird rate is available until March 5th
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:How are You Dealing with Being the Sandwich Generation?
Does Marriage Suck?
March 2, 2008 | 8 Comments
OK, that was a little dramatic. And, somewhat controversial. That’s the point.
When I started researching the idea of blogging about boomer marriages, I read a ton of forums. I came away convinced of two things:
One, there are many, many people who DO believe that marriage, or their marriage in particular, sucks. There was a huge sense of helplessness, frustration and despair.
Two, within all the chat about marriage, there is a sizable group of people committed to analyzing, examining, and improving their marriage through learning and discussion.
My experiences as a mediator tell me it’s better to start where people are and validate their feelings, even if those feelings aren’t rosy. Because of this, my tagline is:
“marriage doesn’t have to suck”
Frankly, I like it. It’s honest and true. Sometimes marriage does suck; it ain’t roses everyday. Over time it’s easy to feel resigned and hopeless. I know. That’s how my first marriage ended.
Live and learn. You can re-invent your life and marriage. I’ve done it. Wasn’t easy or pretty. My swubby and I work hard to keep the love flowing’. Marriage is a learnable skill, and somehow by the time folks get to middle age all the desire to try something new is sucked out of them. That’s what this blog is about reminding myself (and by extension-you) that being happily married is like improving your free throw percentage. It’s all about practice, baby.
Recently my friend over at A Good Husband questioned the effectiveness of the tagline because it’s a tad negative. I really appreciate his speaking up because I’d hate to offend anyone or give the wrong impression. So, I thought I’d ask you just about the tagline:
Is this tagline offensive; and if so, is”marriage doesn’t have to suck…re-invent it’ better?
I’m also asking my buddy over at Boomer Chronicles to throw her two cents in…
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Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
What About Marriage Frightens You?