Are you a Yoomer?
April 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment
You read that right. A Yoomer. As far as I, and a google search, can tell this word isn’t spoken for. So, I’m coining my own word. Hence forth a yoomer describes a young Baby Boomer.
A yoomer is a person who is in the age range of 40-53. No magic to that- just my call. You see, when I was researching baby boomers most literature pointed to over 50. Ok, that’s fine but I was born in 1961, which puts me firmly in the last years for boomers. I felt left out. In fact, I couldn’t join Eons because I wasn’t 50. Thankfully, TBD, a wonderful social networking portal, was more open-minded.
Furthermore, the passage from a happy-go-lucky 30 something to someone 40 something and rapidly approaching the dreaded ‘middle age’ deserves its own special designation. It ain’t easy making the leap. Not that I think forties is middle aged. Now that we’re all living to 150 according to Barbara Walters, 75 is the new middle age. Just like yellow is the new black. Fashion rocks, doesn’t it?
If reading glasses are a necessity and you remember when gas was 79 cents a gallon and boogeying to disco, take heart. You’re not alone. You’re a Yoomer.
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New Orleans- Here we come!
April 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Today, we’re flying into the Big Easy for a brief taste of the good life. We’re staying at the Southern Comfort Inn. I hope one of my very first meals will be at Acme Oyster. And, I’m too excited because I’ll be grooving to the sounds of Cassandra Wilson, Billy Joel, Keyshia Cole and others excellent performers at the JazzFest. This will be one of our very best vacations. Look for the trip report when we return.
Best Vacations
My idea of a dream vacation has shifted over the years from rauchous fun to beach coma to, well, well-accommodated adventures. That means I want all the fun and none of the fuss! While we’re doing the bar crawl, why not share stories about your best vacation? Maybe, yours will make my ‘Too Much Fun’ List!
Where did you spend you best vacation with our sweetheart?
PS Just ‘cos I’m away doesn’t mean we won’t be chatting. Through the miracle of technology, TMT will be refreshed with new posts so check back often.
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Bedtime Stories for Grown Ups
April 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I raved about the new Stephen King novel in a previous post and promised two more posts on related topics. Here’s the second of three , which I hope will give everyone time to get Duma Key: A Novel
The Magic of Storytelling
There once was a brother and sister who did everything together. They played together. They went to school together. But, the best thing the did together was have adventures.
Handsome, Miss Thang and I recited those words to start our nightly ritual of co-creating a bedtime story for many years as they were growing up.
Oh, the adventures we had with the magical rabbit who jumped down through their closet into a hollow of a tree trunk, transporting all of us to all kinds of new places with wonderful new powers. (As I recall being invisible was a big favorite.) They remember the stories fondly and so do I.
Those simple, silly stories allowed us to share our feelings, hopes and fears and connect with each other. There’s a lovely intimacy that’s born from sitting in the dark letting thoughts and feelings float overhead in the air. Storytelling is one of the oldest and most powerful forms of communication known to man. And, it’s not just for children.
Making up your own Make-Believe
Why not take co-creating to a new level? Create your own bedtime stories with your sweetie. Sometimes I can convince my honey to ’speak a story’ with me. He’s a musician- yeah vibes!- not a wordsmith so it feels awkward for him to spin a yarn. But he tries. We’ve both been surprised by where our collective imagination takes us and tells us about the other one. Honestly, I love to hear our thoughts intertwine, however, what’s more likely to happen is that he reads to me.
His deep, sonorous voice is a great source of comfort for me. It keeps my regular insomnia at bay. There’s nothing better than snuggling under the covers with my eye patch listening to his voice and making my own pictures in my head. Maybe I like it so much because it’s a form of caregiving. Whatever the reason, I highly recommend that you and your honey give it a try. I can almost guarantee a good result. (your mileage may vary)
A Word or Two about Book Selection
Difficult as it may be, try to find a book you’ll both enjoy. Also, make sure the book is not too exciting, if you know what I mean. We tried reading mysteries, which was a big mistake because I rarely wanted to stop. Not good for calming down to go to sleep.
If your goal is a bit more romantic excitement, I’ve got just the books for you. Anne Rice wrote a very sensuous series of books that turn the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale on its, well, bottom. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty
When you’re done with these there’s bound to be sweet dreams!
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Book Review: Duma Keys by Stephen King
April 24, 2008 | 1 Comment
Stephen King fans rejoice! After what seems like a very long wait, the Master is back to doing what, in my opinion, he does best: scare the pants off readers! When it comes to creating riveting stories that are filled with vibrant details that put you inside another world, there is no finer writer than Stephen King.
Normal is the new Scary
It, Misery, the Stand are some of my favorite novels because King takes normal life, teases out our everyday (and sometimes unknown) fears, and amplifies them beyond normal to almost unbearable proportions. Not fun for everyone, but if you’re a horror fan like I am, it’s heaven.
I used to wonder about what kind of brain could think of the bizarre twists he achieves. Like in Pet Semetary where a devoted father becomes so distraught he buries his child in a graveyard rumored to ensure his return after death. Or Misery that takes fandom to a whole new unimaginable level of worship. I used to wonder, but now I’m just glad he does.
A Return to Horror with a Domestic Twist
Anyway, after a detour into non-horror writing, he’s returned to the horror genre in rare form with Duma Key
Dumas Key retells the recovery story of a successful boomer, Eddie, as he faces a life-shattering accident that would undo most of us. This is especially interesting since King himself suffered a relatively similar fate when he was hit by a car in Boston. This leads me to wonder (what doesn’t?) how much of the story is autobiographical of sorts.
The story, which isn’t strictly linear in its telling, transported me to Sarasota, FLA and Duma Key (is this a real place?). I was fascinated by his description of the island, it’s landscape and history. There’s a passage where he talks about the murmuring of the shells that kept me up at night. The Key becomes a complex character as important as Eddie, or Wireman-the caretaker with a mysterious past, or Elizabeth, the octogarian with a dreadful secret. If you love Florida or the regional art scene, you’ll love this book.
Here’s small excerpt:
How to Draw a Picture
Start with a blank surface. It doesn’t have to be paper or canvas, but I feel it should be white. We call it white because we need a word, but its true name is nothing. Black is the absence of light, but white is the absence of memory, the color of can’t remember.How do we remember to remember? That’s a question I’ve asked myself often since my time on Duma Key, often in the small hours of the morning, looking up into the absence of light, remembering absent friends. Sometimes in those little hours I think about the horizon. You have to establish the horizon. You have to mark the white. A simple enough act, you might say, but any act that re-makes the world is heroic. Or so I’ve come to believe.
Imagine a little girl, hardly more than a baby. She fell from a carriage almost ninety years ago, struck her head on a stone, and forgot everything. Not just her name; everything! And then one day she recalled just enough to pick up a pencil and make that first hesitant mark across the white. A horizon-line, sure. But also a slot for blackness to pour through.
Still, imagine that small hand lifting the pencil… hesitating… and then marking the white. Imagine the courage of that first effort to re-establish the world by picturing it. I will always love that little girl, in spite of all she has cost me. I must. I have no choice. Pictures are magic, as you know.
Marriage at the deep end of the pool
But what really captured my attention was how King wove the complexities of a long-standing marriage into the plot, giving the impression that for Eddie (and perhaps King) marriage is a marathon. He asks a startling simple question that will be the subject of my next post (this is the first of three). I’d love to dive into the details, but as a former English and publishing studies major I can’t divulge more. It would spoil the book.
If you’ve read the book, drop me a comment below and tell me your favorite part. If you haven’t read it yet, what are you waiting for…grab this book! Duma Key: A Novel
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How is Mother’s Day for You?
April 22, 2008 | Leave a Comment
The Mother’s Day ads are popping up on TV. I’ve started dropping hints about needing a new wallet because left to their own devices my family just might forget this holiday.
Dad’s Job
When my kids, Miss Thang and Handsome, were small their Dad, my first husband, did the shopping. He bought my gift at the same time he bought his mom’s. (And, I have a sneaking suspicion we often got the same thing). Once the kids were old enough to talk, he let them pick the gift. That resulted in my getting a 10 pound bar of Hershey chocolate one year. Now, this would be heaven for some, I know. It’s just that chocolate bars don’t taste great that big and I felt guilty about not eating every single bite. Some gifts were frivolous, other were fun. The woman executive Teddy Bear that says ‘I love you Mom’ when you squeeze her paw is sitting in my office right now.
Tweens and Teens
By this time I was divorced. I continued to buy my ex’s gifts. He made a point of neglecting mine. So some years no one said Happy Mother’s Day. That hurt. Once the kids hit adolescence my gifts seemed much more about them than me, more like a projection of what they’d like to receive. There were a lot of gift cards. Let me go on record right now and say: gift cards are as bad as handing out cash. They require little or no thought or imagination on the part of the giver. And, didn’t you mom always say- it’s the thought that counts?
Now that the kids are full-fledged teens with moolah of their own I’m curious (aren’t I always) to see what they pick out for me. I declared months ago that I’d like a family portrait. We have very few pictures with us all together, and this feels like my last chance before they fly the coup. Realizing I might not get that…I hinted about the wallet.
What does getting a gift on Mother’s Day mean to you?
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Putting ME back into Mother!
What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?
April 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Good question, isn’t it? And, the answer is like trying to find the prize in the Cracker Jack: it’s doable but takes work. Worse still, the answer seems to change as life or the relationship progresses. I know my ideas about being a good wife changed dramatically from my first marriage to my second. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown but I may not be the best judge of that.
Some would say that parents are the role model for marriage. That’s probably true. You either learn what to do or what to avoid. But, what if you still didn’t have a clue? Laura, a newly married reader, posed this question:
What does that mean exactly, a “good wife” or a “good husband”? I am 24 and have been married and clueless for about a year and am about to be a mother. I really want to know what exactly a good wife does.
What are the Qualities of a ‘Good’ Spouse?
The mind boggles when you consider all the different answers- well, mine does. Does it mean being a good provider or housekeeper? Being a tireless cheerleader or the agent of reality? Supporting growth or protecting from harm? The answer is very subjective. When I apply the question to other couples I know it becomes a tiny bit clearer and easier to say whether I think that person is good or bad. Of course, it’s not my place to say, but has that ever stopped anyone?
Balance
The relationships that seem to have two ‘good spouses’ are ones where the couples are a good balance- you know, they are ying and yang. I’d say that’s true of me and my sweetie. We’re opposite parts that together make a pretty nice whole. There needs to be a partnership and agreement on what’s most important to the team, I think.
Respect
Respect has to figure in there somewhere high on the list. Good spouses respect the talents, opinions and tastes of the other. That doesn’t mean like or agree. It means to understand and possibly, appreciate. This seems critical. In fact, there’s studies that suggest that contempt for spouse is a prime indicator for divorce.
Self Awareness
The more I’ve learned about myself over the years, the stronger partner I’ve become. Being able to identify and express my own needs means I can negotiate getting them met with my honey, instead of expecting him to guess or know because we’re married. A marriage license does not come with a mind reading course. Maybe maturity is another word for this.
Support
A good spouse supports the other one. While some might say that’s what love does, I’d debate that. I have a friend who left a long-time relationship with a man who she loved and who was good to her because he couldn’t or wouldn’t support her dreams to be a writer. He gave to her financially but withheld his hope and excitement from her.
This list doesn’t even scratch the surface. I’ll be thinking about it for a while longer. Why not think along? Laura would like to know, and between all of I’m sure we have some wisdom to share with her.
For you, what are the qualities for a good partner?
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Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
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Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
April 18, 2008 | 1 Comment
Lots of people are pretty excited about talking about midlife marriage, but every now and again I run into someone who is different. Recently I talked with Lois who couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to read a blog like this. She said,’My husband and I never argue.’ OK
It seemed to me that you prized the fact that they don’t fight. I bet there’s someone in your circle of friends just like that, too. Personally, I don’t get that perspective. Because if you don’t disagree at least once in a while, where is the growth? Where’s the connection? Where’s the passion? Of course, I don’t mean to say that all fighting is good, but there needs to be a little tussle or things get boring.
In fact, there’s an expression I heard somewhere that goes like this: If we both have the same thoughts, one of us is unnecessary. I count on my hubby to bring a different perspective into my life on a variety topics from politics (we regularly debate what will happen if Obama wins) to movies ( he loves foreign films while I adore period pieces) to the best way to pack (it’s never too early to start).
Conflict is scary, I know. But lots of good things can come out of it, too, like: a greater understanding of yourself or your spouse, a shared sense of accomplishment (after your resolve things), or a realization that you need help (mediators are a great tool. I may be biased about this after spending 18 years resolving disputes. Still, others agree conflict can be good. In fact, a good argument may just save your life according to this article
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Are you OK with your spouse having very close friends of the opposite sex?
April 16, 2008 | 1 Comment
This question came up at a brunch we threw. Lubricated with cocktails and plenty of yummy breakfast foods, we whiled away the afternoon talking about all sorts of stuff from going to a nude beach with your parent (avoid if possible) to whether or not we could eat fois gras and be guilt free (sadly, no).
The answers to question threw me for a loop. My friend, Curlytop, said as a married woman she’s only comfortable with having casual, work-related male friends. And a limited amount of those, too. In fact, this Gen X friend wouldn’t feel right hanging with a man friend for a few hours on Saturday.Clearly, for her, emotional closeness would be cheating.
Me, I kinda feel the same way. I so value the closeness and intimacy I have with my hubby. I’m torn between two ideas. The trials we’ve survived in 2 short years of marriage make our pretty close. There isn’t a good reason for either of us to mess with that. I’m the one my swubby should share his deep thoughts with.
On the other hand…
I’m old enough to know that one person can’t be everything for or to another. I’m not the die-hard jazz fan he’d like so I understand when he goes with bandmates. And, I’m sure the conversation covers areas no female is meant to hear. I know they help and support him in ways I can’t.
So, I punt. It really depends on what, when and who because…you just never know what you can survive for love.
Is it cheating if your honey is emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex?
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Would You Change Your Entire Life if your Spouse Wanted To?
April 14, 2008 | 1 Comment
Would you go live on a commune? Become a vegan? Drive off with your mate on a year long Harley trip?
Most of us like to think that we’re that flexible. Riiiiiggght! Remember the scene from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ and she says she loved Joe because they could make love on the kitchen floor or jet off to Paris, but they never did? That’s my point exactly. We dream of being carefree but in reality it just doesn’t happen.
Life Altering Moments
My swubby and I are in the process of planning for one of the largest life changes. Moving to a new state. He’s a native New Englander who only lived outside of the state for college (Go Skidmore! ). I’m a Long Island transplant who didn’t have sense enough to go home when law school ended. (Actually I got married, and you know how that goes.).
Anyway, I’m damned tired of a scant spring and desperately long, cruelly cold winters. So, we’re moving to California after our last child flies the coup in 2+ years. I’m busy researching locations and taking planning trips, but sometimes I think my honey isn’t quite ready. It’s a big change. He’s moving away from everything he knows and loves, and I understand that.
Around the World on a Harley
I hope that our friends, Clara and Kevin, will be role models for us. You see, they entirely changed their lives. They planned, shopped, condensed their wardrobes down to less than 10 pieces and went. Clara even gave up her gorgeous, long blond hair so she could fit the helmet on her head.
They left 2/15/07 for South America and parts beyond. It’s been a wonderful wild trip according to their blog. They’ve been home for two weeks now. Hopefully, they’ll be able to make our Sunday Supper so we can hear all the juicy details.
I find this trip idea incredibly dreamy. Navigating foreign lands with my sweetie by my side. Exploring new cuisines. Then reality intrudes. I realize I can’t live two pairs of pants for a year or no toilet paper.
Would you say yes to a grand adventure?
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Is It Rude to Have Sex at a B&B?
April 12, 2008 | 2 Comments
Ok, that’s a little personal, I know. But, I’m curious. This whole thing got started when I read a recent article in the Boston Globe about hotel sex being better than at home. The author theorized that people love having hotel sex because hotels were probably the only place to get privacy, away from parents or roommates, during those early heady years of a relationship.
Hotel Sex
Thinking back to my first boyfriend in college (my first boyfriend ever, really), we did enjoy the freedom and excitement of being anonymous and, thereby unaccountable for strange, uh, noises and bumps that escaped the hotel walls. Heck, sex was so new everything about it was thrilling. Ahhh, back in the day…
Vacation Sex
Now that we have all the privacy we want the kicks of hotel sex have largely worn off. Although since we tend to rent houses instead of staying in box hotels, the right setting can really pay off. On our very first vacation we traveled to St. John’s for an idyllic stay at the Windwardside Cottage. It just doesn’t get any more romantic or dreamy than this folks.
We had our one single room cottage that included a tiny kitchen and a king size bed with premium thread count sheets. (You haven’t slept until you’ve slept on 900+ thread count- it’s a whole new world!) Best of all we had an outdoor shower that led to a secluded, private hot tub. A few cocktails while gazing at the moon and each other, and well, let’s just say some personal records got set. Enuf said.
B&B Sex
As I mentioned in an earlier post, we’re heading to New Orleans for the Jazzfest. Instead of staying near the French Quarter which will no doubt be loud and rowdy (as it should be), I opted to book us to stay with Cindy of the Southern Comfort B&B. What a great host Cindy is. She helped me make the entire trip a surprise for my swubby. And, if TripAdvisor is right, and the often are, our stay is gonna be heaven. Quiet neighborhood, scrumptious breakfast, knowledgable host. Only trouble is:
Can we get wild while doing the wild thing?
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