Putting ME back into Mother!
May 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I’m a cook, housekeeper, nurse, guidance counselor, chauffeur, bank, advice columnist, fashion consultant, delivery service, calendar and reminder system, personal shopper, masseuse, laundress, tutor, and cheerleader. I do more by 9 a.m. than most people do all day. I’m a Mom.
The Never-ending List
Every mom I know has a list. It’s a never-ending list of things that either need to be done now, shortly or should’ve been done already. It’s all-consuming because no matter how many things get crossed off- and I do a good job of making a big dent each day- it never, ever gets completely done. Am I wrong, Moms?
Caregiving, my friends, is the primary work of Mom’s world-wide. In fact, I’m thinking the word should become care-taking since families take time, energy, love, attention, devotion, even at the moments we don’t actually have any to give. Ever try to tell a four year old that Mommy was up all night with little brother so she can’t play hide-and-seek until after she’s had her nap? It doesn’t work? But us, Moms, manage because we are a very capable bunch. We take care of everyone, except ourselves.
Was that in the Manual?
Along with recipes and household tips, our mothers passed down the Manual for family-rearing. I say families instead of just kids because, well, isn’t your hubby a big kid sometimes, too? What I learned as the cardinal rule from my mom, Mary, is that Moms sacrifice.
Whatever needs to get done, whatever has to be brought on the long,long list , you do it with a smile. I thought of my mom as a superwoman for a long time. She was the strongest woman I knew figuratively and literally (I watched her do tons of laundry in our bathtub and hang it by hand because we didn’t get have a washer/dryer until I was a teen.) She made it all look stunningly easy, like there was never a moment of indecision or resentment. Of course, once I had my rugrats, Handsome and Miss Thang, I discovered like Dorothy that there was no wizard, just a tired, loving woman who put on a awesome show.
Putting the ME back in Mother
I was a dutiful daughter who turned into a manual-toting mom. Oy, the stories I could tell. I don’t think my kids will truly get how much of my life has been devoted to them until they have kids of their own. Don’t get me wrong- I love them to pieces and beyond. I simply recognize that it’s been a long, crazy trip to quote the Grateful Dead.
Round about the time I hit forty the trip came to an abrupt halt. I woke up one day thinking: what about ME?!
Now, I’m all about reinventing myself as an interesting, stylish person who also happens to be a mom. (This doesn’t mean moms aren’t that already- I just wasn’t one of them). Part of the process is re-discovering what makes me happy. And, the quick answer to that is girlfriends!
My Circle of Friends
I have the best girlfriends in the world. I adore them. Yesterday I had the pleasure of chatting with my college roomie, Kat, catching up on the goings-on in her family. She’s a real touchstone for me, and I hope I’m the same for her. She knows me. I can’t stress the comfort and value that has for me. Talking with her brings me back immediately to a time when I was my most fearless self. I can’t fool her even when I’m doing a good job of fooling myself. I love her tremendously and look forward to having her by my side for years to come. And, I mean that literally.
Girlfriend Getaways Magazine
When our firstborns were babies we took a joint family vacation that still ranks among the best. We took a cottage on the beach in Sandwich, Ma. Our days were spent building sandcastles with Miss Thang and her Joshie then putting warm, sandy babies to bed before joining our husbands for lazy dinners filled with many cocktails. Such fond memories.
Now, that our kids are almost out the nest, I’m trying to convince her and her hubby, Dr. Nice to go away again. Both our hubbies are very busy so that might take a while and some arm twisting. Meanwhile, I’m planning to hijack Kat for a girls weekend in NYC. There’s even a new magazine and TV program to help us plan- Girlfriend Getaways.
What a great mag! Filled with terrific ideas for getting away like spa weekends and beach vacation. There are also useful practical tips ( like wait to the last day to get that facial). Honestly, it put my imagination on overdrive. I’m thinking we can do a cooking class together. Best of all, they stress that it the time spent with friends is more important than where you go or what you do. If you haven’t hooked up with your gal pals in a while it’s probably time to put the ME back into mother.
(Pssst- Hubbys, steal this idea if you’re stuck for a gift. Spoil Me Spa, based in Simsbury,Connecticut, touts itself as a ‘mobile spa- your place, your pace’. I recently met the owner, Ellen, who takes her pampering seriously. Maybe you can arrange one for your honey? You can thank me later)
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To Comment, or Not to Comment- that is the question
May 7, 2008 | Leave a Comment
The other day I was chatting with my dear friend, Helen, who is a charming hottie whose just getting started at 60-ish. An avid traveler, Helen has turned her photography hobby into a going concern and recently had a show in one of the Harvard galleries. We met while studying for our adult bat mitzvahs in 1999 and have been fast girlfriends since (our little circle also includes Pam, a brilliant science writer and her new bundle of joy, Emma)
I Love it But
Anyway, Helen was telling me how much she really liked the blog. That means a lot to me since this blog is a labor of love as well as my retirement project. Then, Helen lowered her voice and said, ‘I think it’s great, but you know, I’ll never leave a comment’.
Flabbergasted, I didn’t think to ask her why, but I can guess. I bet my answers are probably similar to the things you might think about blog commenting. So, let’s clear up a few misconceptions, shall we?
Three Excuses for Not Commenting Debunked
I have nothing to say/add
Blogging is a conversation. It takes two people (ok, I talk to myself so maybe it doesn’t always take two, but you know what I mean). The exchange of thoughts and ideas is what matters most, not whether you have a sparkling wit or the answer to world peace.
If you have a thought after reading a post, share it. We’re all better for it. Your comment doesn’t have to be long or even agree with me.
People will know it’s me
Only if you want them to know it’s you. Most folks add their comments with a simple first name only. That’s fine with me. For obvious reasons I don’t want a slew of annoymous comments, but it’s ok to use your a different name, say your middle name or a nickname, to add your comment.
Interesting thing about the internet, it gives the perception of anonymity so sometimes people feel more comfortable sharing their true thoughts…and secrets.
Check out PostSecret, an ongoing community where people anonymously submit their secrets on homemade postcards. I find it fascinating, intriquing, sad and generally very human. Meaning, it shows that we all desire connection with each other. Besides, this blog is addictively good.
I’ll do it later when I think of something good to say
See first bullet, please. You never know if what you add is exactly what someone else needs to read or know. I experience this as I read other blogs. Reading someone else’s thinking expands my own, especially when I’m feeling stubborn.
And, you and I both know that you’ll be busy later doing something else. So, there’s no time like the present to drop a comment.
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RSS Explained
Blogging Boomer Carnival #68 at Boomer Chronicles
May 5, 2008 | Leave a Comment
What an exciting day. I’ve joined the Carnival…the Blogging Boomer Carnival, that is. It’s a collection of some very fine posts for and about Boomers (and Yoomers- that’s folks 40-53). Why not stroll over and have a look. Rhea always has something interesting to say.
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Bop on over to Boomer Chronicles for Carnival #78
Skip on over to Contemporary Retirement for Carnival # 69
Does Marriage Suck?
What role does loyalty play in marriage?
May 3, 2008 | Leave a Comment
This is the third and final entry in the series on Duma Key book review. I delayed because the conversation will be much richer if folks have had a chance to read the book. That unthinkable accident happens pretty close to the start of the book. For those of you who haven’t read it yet, Stephen King poses an interesting question about loyalty in marriage. Namely, how much loyalty does one spouse owe another?
Most of us would like to think that we’d stick by our mates through thick and thin, right? That law or religion will bind us until ‘death do us part’. But, there are circumstances and feelings that call that into question. Suppose your mate is chronically ill, incapacitated or mentally ill, would you want out? What if he or she wasn’t truly the person you thought you were getting, would that make a difference?
I faced this myself when my husband-then fiance- faced back surgery that left him without feeling in his legs. Happily, we married and he recovered to a large degree. I had doubts but never thought of breaking my promise, although I completely understand after 18 years as a mediator that there are situations that call for that.
Where do you draw the line?
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How Do You Re-invent Your Marriage?
May 1, 2008 | 4 Comments
One of the most startling things I’ve learned over the past 18 years as a mediator is how little control people believe they have over their own lives. I dealt mainly with the workplace, although I found the same is true at home. People are afraid to express their true desires.
I couldn’t do that. S/he won’t let me. What would I say?
You’ve probably said one of these yourself, or a variation, at some point. These phrases and mindsets have kept people trapped in unhappiness and frustration. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can break out of a rut.
I’ve always believed that my life was mine to create- the good and the not-so-good. I have the power to re-interpret circumstances and re-invent my life as needed. Or, at least that’s been true of my work life.
At home, I’ll admit to being less flexible. But that’s changing. I gave myself a talking to and took the counsel I’ve offered others: negotiate for your needs. Get clear about what you need- not simply want. There’s a difference. I’d like to eat chargrilled oysters from Acme Oyster everyday, but most days I need a nice meal, not spectacular.
Then, ask nicely.
I started with housework (we share more or we live with a mess). And, now I’m thinking about vacations. I want to re-invent how we think about enjoying vacations because lately it’s not much fun to go together (I’m better at dropping work pressures, I think) And, I realize I’d like to be able to go off alone without my swubby feeling abandoned or resentful. We just got back from a great trip to the Big Easy (boy, have I got video for y’all!) so we can start by looking at what made this trip so much fun.
Miles to Go Before We Sleep
This seems like only the beginning of the re-inventing we’ll need to do over the next decade or so. We’ve begun to negotiate what we each want for our ‘last home’, the place we’ll relocate to after the kids go off. I have a sense that there’ll be more talk about how we relate to friends as a couple once they’re gone, too. There’ll be more free time available that needs to be tagged as ‘me time’ or ‘we time’.
I’m certain we’re not the only ones making it up as we go, right? Why not take a moment to share what been useful for you, or whether marriage should be re-invented at all. Either way, it’ll be a good chat.
What would you recommend for couples who want to start over?
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