Are We Our Parents’ Parents?
March 25, 2008
Curious question, huh? It came to me in that lazy, piecemeal way most interesting questions do. The origin was a discussion I had with my TBD group (This Marriage Thing). I love reading all the different responses to my wacky questions. People really challenge me to open my perspective with their answers. That’s way cool.
Any way, the earlier discussion question was: What’s your biggest question about finding care for your aging parents? I was surprised by the passionate opinion of one member who didn’t expect a thing from his children. It introduced the idea that not every elder wants to be cared for in the way a kid might think.
We are Not Our Parents’ Parents
My mom, Mary, is very spry at the ripe old age of 80, but I’m not deluding myself that her good health will last forever. Finding a good solution for her care when I’m in another state has been an occupation of mine for the last few years. I felt my role as eldest daughter demanded I take charge of this. I’m a big planner. Seemed to me the best solution was for Mom to live with or very close to me.
My mom has been fending off my offers to- move in, move closer, move to closer to your sister- for years. Sure, she wanted to be independent but I thought she’d get over it. I started asking when she was 60. She’s 80 now and still says I have to watch the house. To which I reply, Is it gonna do tricks? She has other plans.
So, I am not my mother’s mother. She’s a grown women who deserves to make her own choices to the very end, whether I like them or not. My job is to love her and help her achieve what she wants in the best way possible. Speaking of which, check out the inventive means three brothers employ to lovingly care for their 91 year old mom, Mary.
Breaking the Cycle
I’m almost over the hill now-just joking. But I do realize my kids may be feeling the same pressures to protect me. Since my diagnosis of MS they tend to hover a bit. I’m gonna sit them down and have a talk about how involved I’d like all three of us to be as I age. I already got a hint . I jokingly asked Handsome if I could come live with him when I was old. He paused then said he thought of me as the independent type who wouldn’t want to live with her kids, so no. That boy!
You can get help planning for your future care from AGIS, a portal for elder care issues.
What would you tell your kids about dealing with you as you age ?
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II never wanted to be my parents’ parent, but when they developed Alzheimer’s, there were days that I had to step up and take charge and make the best decisions I could for them. But when they were lucid, I reverted to being their adult daughter and gave them the respect of being the parents. It’s challenging to learn how to switch back and forth, but when you put their safety first, you will know when to step up and take control. The experience compelled me to write, ‘Elder Rage’ and start an Internet radio show, ‘Coping with Caregiving’.