Are You a Love Snob?
June 11, 2008
Lunching at a local Italian restaurant with my friend, Meryl, I could tell she had more on her mind than how to get dessert and stay on her diet. I love Meryl because she is a bundle of energy wrapped in skin. When she sets her mind to something, whether is righting a wrong or getting a good deal, it gets done. Case closed. When she’s happy you know it, and when she’s not, you wanna be in another state. I could tell from her lovely face, typically so animated, that she was upset.
He’s Just Doesn’t Meet Your Standards
We got down to it after the usual girl niceties. Meryl was unhappy in her relationship. Ok, not startling that relationships would be the topic of a girls lunch, after all women are all about relationships: making them, keeping them happy. But this was a different type of man trouble. Meryl was happy with her guy- just not happy enough. Her guy didn’t love her like she wanted. Dissatisfied, she wrestled with what the future would be like with someone who consistently didn’t meet her Love Standard.
The Love Standard
Who among us can say you haven’t wished the hubby would be more attentive, romantic, spontaneous, thoughtful, protective, supportive, affectionate, generous…you name the adjective? I know I have.
We each have a perception of how we want to be loved. Or to say it differently- what makes us feel very loved, which I call the Love Standard. Defined, the Standard consists of the things that your honey does or says to let you know ‘you’re the one’ as the character Carrie Bradshaw of Sex in the City says. It’s a wonderful feeling but it comes with some catches.
First, the Standard is kinda intuitive so you feel it rather than know it. That makes it darned hard to articulate, as I discovered this morning while trying to tell my swubby I needed his support around launching the midLife Media Network and my new greeting card line. I don’t want rational thinking (I can do that). I don’t want constructive criticism (my business incubator will do that ). Yet, he wants to give me those things ‘for my own good’, to protect me because that’s how he loves me.
The closest example I can give is in the movie, “White Men Don’t Jump’ when Rosie Perez says to Woody Harrelson (I’m paraphrasing here), “When I have a dry mouth I don’t want you to get me a glass of water. I want you to empathize with the experience of having a dry mouth.” I don’t want my hubby to solve my startup problems. I want him to empathize and let me know he has faith that I will solve them myself. That makes me feel confident and loved.
Second, there’s a distinct difference between being the actor and recipient in whether someone satisfies the Love Standard. This is where Meryl is stuck. She loves boldly like I do. Behind all her thoughts is: how can I make this person feel happy, cherished and adored? As a ‘lover/actor’ she’s constantly doing, saying something to communicate the primary message: you’re the one. She loves like that and expects it in return. Turns out her guy doesn’t love that way at all. Meryl thinks her way is better. There’s the rub. I certainly can commiserate with Meryl but I also think she’s a love snob.
Love Snob Defined
According to Dictionary.com, a snob is a person who believes himself or herself an expert or connoisseur in a given field and is condescending toward or disdainful of those who hold other opinions or have different tastes regarding this field: a musical snob.
Until fairly recently, I was a love snob, too. I pined, why don’t you love me more? Why don’t you listen to me? Think of me? Get excited about the things I’m excited about? Why don’t you love me like I love you? I wanted to kind of thrill-ride love that I saw on movies and read about in books. Immature, uh, yeah. But what can you expect? I didn’t know how to see love in all its forms. I had to learn- thank goodness for couples therapy.
Love is Where You Look for It
My Love Standard has evolved into a much deeper understanding of how to feel loved. Sure, I still love getting flowers and getting treats. I also love that my hubby will get up in the middle of the night to get the heating pad when I can’t get to sleep. That makes me feel so loved now. Why? Because we took the time to talk about what we each do directly and indirectly to make the other feel adored. We know what to look for.
Meryl was underwhelmed by the list of things my hubby does to love me I could tell. That’s alright with me. Still, I think she got the message. She began to see love in the long trek her guy takes to be with her, in the way he says he likes who she is in the world and means it, how comforting he is to her when she’s upset. Their future looks bit brighter.
Are You a Love Snob? Do you know where to look to find the sweet nuggets of love awaiting you?
UPDATE: My buddy, Cory, over at A Good Husband is talking about something similar: How can a woman tell a man loves her. I thought the answers were really sweet.
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Happy Loving Day!
How Do You Know When It’s Good
Forgive, of course. Forget…uh, never.
Comments
2 Responses to “Are You a Love Snob?”
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This was a great post Dina. As someone who is in a 20 year relationship without a common household, I realize that my expectation for love is to see how consistently my man thinks about doing things for me, watching out for my interests, anticipating my needs and desires. I try to do the same. It is comfortable for both of us. Thanks for a challenging and thought provoking discussion.
Dina,
Fun to read your love snob article! Lots of good insights.
It made me think how my husband of 28 years shows me his love. It’s rarely flowers, or fancy gifts — it’s more the everyday things he does. Talking about ideas, values and perceptions is a big part of how we connect. He also shows his love through actions. Like doing food shopping, or cooking up a wonderful meal (finding a man who loves to cook was definitely a smart move on my part). Or going for a long walk with me so we can talk, instead of his normal solo run.
This past weekend he helped me garden by trimming hedges and cutting the grass. Not the way he wanted to spend his weekend, so he grumbled a bit. But when he saw how happy it made me, he glowed. But love is a two-way street, and I make sure to show him how much I appreciate all the things he does for me.
Your column sparked this comment so I’ll share it with him too. Thanks for the reminder to tell him how I feel loved!