Are you OK with your spouse having very close friends of the opposite sex?
April 16, 2008
This question came up at a brunch we threw. Lubricated with cocktails and plenty of yummy breakfast foods, we whiled away the afternoon talking about all sorts of stuff from going to a nude beach with your parent (avoid if possible) to whether or not we could eat fois gras and be guilt free (sadly, no).
The answers to question threw me for a loop. My friend, Curlytop, said as a married woman she’s only comfortable with having casual, work-related male friends. And a limited amount of those, too. In fact, this Gen X friend wouldn’t feel right hanging with a man friend for a few hours on Saturday.Clearly, for her, emotional closeness would be cheating.
Me, I kinda feel the same way. I so value the closeness and intimacy I have with my hubby. I’m torn between two ideas. The trials we’ve survived in 2 short years of marriage make our pretty close. There isn’t a good reason for either of us to mess with that. I’m the one my swubby should share his deep thoughts with.
On the other hand…
I’m old enough to know that one person can’t be everything for or to another. I’m not the die-hard jazz fan he’d like so I understand when he goes with bandmates. And, I’m sure the conversation covers areas no female is meant to hear. I know they help and support him in ways I can’t.
So, I punt. It really depends on what, when and who because…you just never know what you can survive for love.
Is it cheating if your honey is emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex?
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This is a tough one and for me (as you note) has a fine line. I have very close work guy friends. One I even fondly call my “work husband”. There are no and never were any romantic feelings between us. I can tell him just about anything and he can confide in me as well. Would I go out on a day trip alone with him? No. Why would I? I would think if I had a day free and a place to go/activity to do that I’d want to do it with my husband or at least have him included. Where is the fine line then? Here’s an example that I find inappropriate: I am not the best skier. My husband is great at it. He would take off on a day trip to Vermont with a younger female that happened to be a good skier. Was I ok with this. Absolutely not. Was I wrong? I don’t think so. Even though I’m not the best skier, I think he should have wanted to do that/go those places with me. People do need to have separate interests though, and I think that’s just good for personal development. I knit and spin and I don’t expect him to participate in that. I expect him to be interested to a point because it’s something important to me, but it doesn’t have to be “his thing” as well. Conversely, he is a musician and I am not. I’m not into Jazz like he is either. I expect him to have relationships with people that have that same interest. I’m sure this is probably a hot topic for a lot of couples.