Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss
May 16, 2008
Curious sort that I am, I can’t resist asking provocative questions when I meet new people. It’s a great way to break the ice and sometimes I get more to think about than I bargained for. I was attending a Ladies Who Launch event when I met a trio of new moms where were considering starting a new business. They weren’t quite Yoomers yet but I was wanted to know their take on marriage. So I asked: what does it take to have a happy marriage?
The Greek Chorus
Well, the answer came simultaneously from all three: Compromise!
That’s an answer I’m well familiar with. Compromise is one of the five conflict styles that we can employ to resolve conflict. The five styles are: Avoid, Compete, Compromise, Accommodate and Collaborate.
Folks who know and use all five styles interchangeably tend to be the most successful in resolving disputes in a productive, satisfying way at work or at home. That’s because each situation calls for an evaluation of the circumstances, the other person and what will work best. So, if you’re out late at night and a robber says give me your wallet, that is NOT the time to compromise- how about I give you the cash and keep the credit cards?
The Good Side of Compromise
I can see why so many advice columns, therapists and long-married folks tout compromise as a god-send in marriage. It is. Compromising allows you as a couple ti:
- negotiate to get your needs met
- reduce disputes
- make deposits in your ‘good will’ bank
- identify common interests and explore new ones
- move forward instead of being stuck in an argument
- feel like a team
Generally speaking, compromise in relationships is a good thing, to paraphrase Martha Stewart. People who compromise report being better liked and happier. But is that the entire truth?
The Dark Side of Compromise
Like with most things, there’s a flip side. Have you ever thought about the cons of compromise? Most people haven’t. I’m willing to bet that many long-married folks have a thought or ten about the dark side, though. Maybe you’ll comment and enlighten us all. (see the Leave a Comment link next to the date above).
Compromises means getting some, but not all of what you want or need. Always being ready to compromise may mean that you:
- repeatedly put the needs/interest of your spouse over yours
- experience resentment or hurt
- aren’t known
- don’t get your interests/needs met at all or until far in the future
- feel like a doormat
If you see yourself in this list you may want to think about whether you use compromise as a cop-out, a way to avoid having a deeper conversation with your mate.
It’s a Choice
Recognizing that I have a choice on how to handle things with my swubby has done wonders for my self-esteem and our marriage. Compromise is not my default position now as it was in my first marriage (although he often says he’d like a bit more). I’m much more likely to accommodate my DH with a clear understanding that I expect the same or simply compete. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to bully him. It only means I’m a lot clearer about who I am and how I want to live my life.
Let me know what you think…
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?
Comments
4 Responses to “Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss”
Got something to say?
Well sometimes our marriage is 50/50 but the majority of the time it is 90/10 or 75/25 or 15/85 or 80//20 or 10/90 etc.
After 40 years of marriage we have found the best way is to compromise. Sometimes he gets his way sometimes I get my way but we both agree that no-one in our marriage will ever get their own way all the time.
Works for us.
Sometimes I think you have to be a very brilliant person to make a relationship work. It seems to take so much thought and effort, internally and towards your partner. I tend to give in too much. When I feel very strongly, I then expect to get my way and sometimes it is not that easy. I think I personally internalize it all then blow up when I get frustrated. It’s hard to remember that he a) can’t read my mind and b) probably doesn’t think things through as much as I do or in the same manner. This marriage business is a LOT of work.
Compromise?! Ugh. Oh I know it’s the only way to make a relationship work, short of pointing a gun at your hubbie’s head, but the bigger question is WHY MARRY? Aren’t we over it girls?
The thought of another marriage makes me lunge for a paper bag to resume regular breathing. I’m beginning to wonder if men are not obsolete. Come on, we’ve learned to support ourselves and each other, Marriage is a short term solution and a long term problem. I know , I know , I’m a cynic but dating is such a nice option; so polite, a few laughs, cocktails, dinner, sex(?) and then you go home alone . Sounds pretty good to me.
So, Gail you’re gonna love my dark fantasies post, if I get the nerve to write it. And, we’ll have another post coming up that asks your very question: when reproduction isn’t a factor, is there a reason to marry??
My father-in-law married for the third time at 76! Clearly they weren’t thinking of kids (altho they do have a sex life!- don’t ask me how I know it’s a long story)
The deeper question for me is (and feel free to answer): do you mean marriage as an institution or marriage as a connection? Since marriage was originally intended as a means to protect and transfer property including women, yeah, I’d say that’s done.
However, we humans need connection. It’s our nature to crave the attention and love of one special person. There’s no reason why we have to be married to do that except marriage is an incurable social disease I don’t think we could stop if even if we outlawed it or men became obsolete.
@BareNaked- there’s a negotiation saying that when both sides leave the table unhappy it was a good session. Guess that applies to marriage, too.