Discover the Hidden Secrets of Marriage
August 13, 2008
No, I am not getting a divorce. Things between me and my sweetie are fine. Friends who read ThisMarriageThing, and sometimes others, presume that we’re airing our own personal stuff in the blog. Sometimes that’s true.
When I talked about Comstock films for adults, I shared some of our personal experiments to spice up our sex life. And, from time to time you’ll hear me express frustration with my swubby like in my post about communicating. But mostly, I’m reacting to and riffing on the experiences of those around me, including you. So, no need for worry.
Marriage is like pregnancy
Strange, but true. Marriage is like pregnancy in this way. There are things about being pregnant that no woman will tell you beforehand. Like the fact that your ribs can painfully shift upwards to accommodate your new cargo. Or, that your belly button may pop out making it look like the cherry on top of an enormous sundae. Or, that the mothering instinct isn’t automatic for everyone and that no parent ever sleeps again. Really, if you knew this stuff would having a baby sound as cute? I doubt it.
The same principle holds true for marriage. (Spoiler alert to the unmarried folks who read TMT!) Right after the wedding something dastardly happens. Your darling, the light of your life, turns into… a spouse! Gasp!When people tell you it feels different being married- believe them. It’s true.
The Secrets of Marriage
One of the things that is different, at least for me, is that you can get bored with your honeylamb and your married life. I wish someone had told me that earlier. There’s a lot you can’t learn about being married until you’re married.
I was reminded of that while lunching with my friend, Ellie. We were comparing husband woes. I realized that we shared many of the same frustrations. You know- my hubby doesn’t pay attention to me, doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t fill-in-the-blank.
What was startlingly different was how we experienced these slights. I’m on my second (and last) time around so I see them as par for the course. SOS, if you will, and not anything to be overly concerned about. They require a course correction on the road of love. Ellie, a relatively new wife, experiences them as a dead end on that road.
So, I thought I’d ask you, my dear readers, what secrets you learned AFTER you got married. That way, Ellie and I, would have a list to refer to when we feel like we’re headed in the wrong direction.
What are the hidden secrets- good and bad- of being married?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:When Is It Time to Pack It In?
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Let me start by saying that I, too, am on my 2nd (and last). I read this post and was inspired to write because I got a bit unnerved about a few things and well, here’s the place to throw it all out on the table, right?
I guess, first of all, I am concerned that you see these ’slights’ as par for the course. What are they, specifically? Are we talking about “I ask him to put his dishes in the dishwasher all the time and he never does!” or is it “I ask him to come home early to have dinner with me and he always has an excuse not to”. One of these things is not like the other. If your ’slights’ are of the latter, then I guess I don’t see these as par for the course and consider them to be real problems. For instance - My first husband actually FORGOT to bring me home with him after work one day (we worked together and commuted home most days. He FORGOT to bring me home!?) My current husband doesn’t buy my fancy bath soap (just cause) like he used to - which does bum me out a bit, but I can assure you, he would never forget to include me in our carpool
Which brings me to Ellie…..
I feel like your reference to her might be unfair and possibly even a bit presumptuous. Your writing makes it sound like she is taking all the little stuff (I really wish he would take out the trash once in a while!) and assuming that that makes a marriage a “dead end” . I know from personal experience, that it took a lot more than the little stuff to get me walkin’. I would hope that Ellie’s dead end is legitimately more than just a bunch of piled up little stuff.
So, I guess the secrets I have learned after I got married …….marriages can and do end - for valid, poingnent reasons. But more importantly - better, more wonderful, exciting marriages also can and do begin and hopefully are not discouraged by postings such as this.
Charlotte, thanks so much for posting. Good to get the conversation started- even when perspectives differ.
You know, re-reading the post I see how you could interpret what I said the way you did. The things I mentioned are troublesome when they happen occasionally, as they do in most marriages. When they happen as the rule, that’s a different matter. Ellie has right to be concerned, although it’s not my place to judge her or her marriage. Our conversation inspired this vein of thought so I’m indebted to her.
What I was hoping to point out-and not doing of good job of- is this: it’s tough to know how to react to marriage trouble in long standing marriages. Where’s the line between accepting someone as they are and asserting your own needs? It’s blurry at best.
It’s near impossible to know how when it’s a new marriage and most societal indicators like TV, movies and cultural norms suggest that those early years should be all about roses and good times, that any deviation is a sign it’s time to pull the plug. (And, to be clear, this is not Ellie’s situation)
I talked about this in an post questioning whether we teach our kids enough about marriage. I also wondered if we have too many expectations for marriage to make us happy in another post
Today, a friend asked me how I came to start the blog. You know, I committed to a 50 year marriage, come what may. I don’t know how to do that by myself. I expect that everyone has a piece of the answer, so I write to find out. Thanks for sharing your piece.
Everyone else, chime in.
[…] pondering this because of my last post and after reading a question on my friend, Cory’s blog, A Good Husband. Deciding to get […]
Neat site, very interesting post.
Ma chere and I have been married for 15 years. Our greatest asset is our ability to communicate with each other: the “openly-honestly-full transparency-no holds barred” kind of communication. We honed that tool before we were married. The only rule is the communication should stay on-topic. Whatever caused the pot to boil is the subject that is dealt with. If there is more in the pot, we deal with it after we come to a resolution on the current irksome issue.
We also know when to agree to disagree and let time help resolve things. Some issues take a while to boil over. (Ma chere is a self-proclaimed artist in non-confrontation.) Whatever the problem is it will likely not be resolved between 8 and 10 on Thursday night after the three Things are finally settled down or in bed and we are exhausted and too tired to think rationally.