Do We Expect Too Much from Marriage?
April 7, 2008
While exploring the blogesphere I came across an interesting post that pondered whether some of us might be a bit delusional about the state of our marriages.
The Myths about Marriage
The myth about marriage is that we expect to be happy and stay that way. That really resonated with me. I’m a gal with big expectations and always have been.
Traditionally speaking, middle age has been the time when couples expect to suffer from midlife crisis (men and women), higher divorce rate, and a general malaise and resignation about the future. Or, at least, that’s what I glean from reading the many forums, blogs and listservs about relationship and marriage. All that sadness and longing almost made me cry. I created ThisMarriageThing specifically so that midlife couples, like us, could expect more love, affection, commitment, connection, understanding, not less.
My Expectations
Oddly enough, I’d say my expectations of marriage have changed. Mainly, because I’ve changed- thank G-d! I’ve practically lost all my expectations about our daily life, which startles my poor swubby. What, you don’t expect me to file the laundry immediately after drying and whisk away to the drawers warm? Cool! We’re both so busy I’m happy the laundry is done and I didn’t have to do it. So, who cares if it’s cold. I don’t expect him to like everything I do, or go the places I want to go.
On the other hand, my expectations about the quality of our relationship are fairly high. I expect, nay demand, that we work on our relationship, that our life be examined and well lived. I expect us to share common goals and be honest about it when we don’t. I expect his support and caring, and I’ll admit that one has gotten me into trouble in the past. Why? Because we define those words so differently, and because as humans we want what we want, not what someone else has to give.
Where is the Love?
We had prime example of that the other evening. I was finishing a dreaded report that I’d agonized over for weeks. Now, you gotta understand I’m not a girl that wrings her hands at everything. I’m pretty unflappable, but this pushed all the wrong buttons and I freaked- twice. That’s pretty telling yet my swubby completely missed the signs. I blew up.
When we talked about it later he said generally he feels fine after he freaks out and thought I would, too. He expected me to lighten up. I was expecting him to baby me a bit more as I neared the finish line and throw in a celebration at the end. I see now that while I can hold the expectation for support, we need more talk about execution.
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Can a Post Nuptial Save a Marriage?
What About Marriage Frightens You?
What is a Wife’s role: moneymaker or homemaker?
Comments
5 Responses to “Do We Expect Too Much from Marriage?”
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Nice. My bishop’s advice to my wife and I when we were having marital problems: lower your expectations. It worked. We’re still married.
This is great–one of the things I feel that fundamentally shifted our marriage was me letting go of thinking we had to be happy all the time, as if an argument meant something was wrong…now, it can be just like the weather–cloudy one moment, sunny the next!
[…] Do We Expect Too Much from Marriage - Some food for thought about expectations in a marriage. […]
One of the main things I’ve learned as a newlywed is that my wife feels different ways in different situations at different times. As idiotic as that sounds, it’s a real learning experience to take more emotional times with the same perspective as when she’s more laid back.
It’s really helped us grow and love more about each other to know that we are diverse personalities that aren’t always perfect, and that it’s okay to be that way.
Many married couple are unhappy because they expect too much from the marriage. Husband expecting his wife to do all the chores.For the first few years of life man behaves like a perfect husband, Later he will be involved in his career, friends and slowly loose sexual attraction in his wife,He will turn out tobe a iritable man
Women inturn Feels that by marryinng she has accompilshed her goal. She expects her man to be perfect husband. She will get disturbed if he does not live up to her expecation. Drifting strars and reaches its peak in middle age
Every couple has to be like two pillers of building Each one should have abreathing space. Respect for one another is vital. Without expecting much from each other better live happily and keep one another happy