Does Marriage Suck?
March 2, 2008
OK, that was a little dramatic. And, somewhat controversial. That’s the point.
When I started researching the idea of blogging about boomer marriages, I read a ton of forums. I came away convinced of two things:
One, there are many, many people who DO believe that marriage, or their marriage in particular, sucks. There was a huge sense of helplessness, frustration and despair.
Two, within all the chat about marriage, there is a sizable group of people committed to analyzing, examining, and improving their marriage through learning and discussion.
My experiences as a mediator tell me it’s better to start where people are and validate their feelings, even if those feelings aren’t rosy. Because of this, my tagline is:
“marriage doesn’t have to suck”
Frankly, I like it. It’s honest and true. Sometimes marriage does suck; it ain’t roses everyday. Over time it’s easy to feel resigned and hopeless. I know. That’s how my first marriage ended.
Live and learn. You can re-invent your life and marriage. I’ve done it. Wasn’t easy or pretty. My swubby and I work hard to keep the love flowing’. Marriage is a learnable skill, and somehow by the time folks get to middle age all the desire to try something new is sucked out of them. That’s what this blog is about reminding myself (and by extension-you) that being happily married is like improving your free throw percentage. It’s all about practice, baby.
Recently my friend over at A Good Husband questioned the effectiveness of the tagline because it’s a tad negative. I really appreciate his speaking up because I’d hate to offend anyone or give the wrong impression. So, I thought I’d ask you just about the tagline:
Is this tagline offensive; and if so, is”marriage doesn’t have to suck…re-invent it’ better?
I’m also asking my buddy over at Boomer Chronicles to throw her two cents in…
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:About
Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
What About Marriage Frightens You?
Comments
9 Responses to “Does Marriage Suck?”
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I’m a generally optimistic person, but I’m afraid I see the glass as half empty when it comes to long committed relationships, sometimes otherwise known as ‘marriage’. I know so many people who are in relationships that make them miserable and they stay. I understand why they stay. It can be a difficult and long road to finding a new ’someone’, but it seems like a terrible state of being. So, have I depressed you enough for today? You’re welcome.
No, not depressed at all. In fact, excited because all those folks who stay because it seems easier might find help from readers at this blog. I’d love to know that we helped even one marriage be happier.
Thanks, Rhea
I truly believe that marriage does suck; the tagline “Marriage doesn’t have to suck” seems Pollyann-ish to me!
As someone who entered into marriage as a relatively mature person (28), with the belief that love and committment could resolve any problem, I stuck it out for 14 years. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to figure out and fix whatever it was that I was doing wrong that would cause this man, who loved me, to view me as the adversary.
I was a fool. I cannot recommend marriage to my children.
Looks like we were both relatively ‘mature’ the first marriage. And, we both may have suffered from a misunderstanding about what keeps a marriage going. Love isn’t enough, and neither is commitment if its driven by a fear of the unknown, rather than a deep desire work through the ugly stuff.
I also learned the hard way that I couldn’t be wholly responsible for the entire relationship since I was only half. I could ‘fix’ me, but not him. The best lesson has been understanding that sometimes it’s not about me at all. That my former (and current) husband have issues, concerns and fears that play themselves out, regardless of what I do or say.
Pollyanna-ish as it may seem, I believe that marriage can be enriching, soul-soothing and lasting. I can only hope my children are learning by my example (and my mistakes) how to be a worthy spouse (and how to pick one).
Sending you wishes for healing, Kim
d
I’ve always been taught you have to stay married if there’s no adultery, addiction or abuse. Or even if any of those three a’s were liveable. Well, I don’t have any of that. just a feeling like I must have made a mistake at age 24 that I can’t get out of!!
Marriage does suck. I thanked my husband today for the wonderful day spent with him yesterday; but i was lying. He sent me an email today, titled, hi lover, i wanted to respond back “are you kidding me” he hasn’t had sex ‘made love’ to me in i don’t know how long. i feel totally rejected and i feel like when he is in the mood whenever that day may come that i should reject him because why does he get all the power. i am in a relationship where i can’t talk about these issues because his temper wouldn’t be worth the argument. so i live with so much subdued anger, rejection, hatred i know i know….counseling blah blah blah… it doesn’t always work and you have to have a wiling partner to admit there is a problem. i think my husband prefers to live as brother and sister but i have no idea why. i know he may have ED but whatever if he isn’t willing to admit he might and do anything about it then it doesn’t matter anyway. by the way i’m an open book with him regarding sex. i am not a prude in anyway and would appreciate his honesty but maybe the honest thing is that he just doesn’t give a crap - so marriage doesn’t have to suck? maybe, but it does.
Lisa, I’m sorry you feel so trapped. One of the lessons I learned over the years as a mediator is that often we don’t let ourselves see other options. Heaven knows, I’ve done that plenty myself.
Fear of the unknown, reprisal, struggling, pain can keep us trapped in a state of victimhood. Try to break free. Find someone- a counselor, trusted friend, family member- to help you create and think through options without judgement. Then, see if you can select one and step-by-step take action.
This will not be fun and you’ll have plenty of doubt. You’ll also learn that you can rescue yourself. You can be your own advocate. Once you know that you’ll be able to live the life you want, not the one you or others think you should have.
Anyone else want to throw in their two cents?
Wishing you time and support, Lisa.
d
Ok, Katie, you’re right marriage does suck at times. As my mom used to say, ‘you can’t have a bed of roses without a few thorns.
That said, you hit the nail on the head when you said this is a power struggle. You and your hubby are both trying to get control it seems to me. We’ve been through that because I’m an enormous control freak. Letting go came hard to me but ultimately it’s been wonderful to not feel the need to win, to press, to do do do.
About the ED thing, that’s so tough. So many of our feelings of love, desirability and caring are wrapped into sex that when that goes it feels like those other things are lost too. Seeing a reputable sex therapist alone or with your hubby might be a good start. You’ll have a place to exercise your frustration and maybe your hubby will be able to express himself, too.
The question is: are you willing to work to honor your commitment?
Wishing you time and insight,
d
Yes, marriage sucks. People are living much longer, so you have stuck with one person FOREVER. Or it sure feels like forever.
Scientists have found there no, repeat NO, species that are completely monogamous. Except for some fish I think where they get welded together, physically.
Biology has designed us to make alliances and move around. Marriage is just unnatural, which is why it is dying off. The good news is, we’ll find something better to replace it, so marriage will go into the dustbin of history with slavery and feudalism.