Duh! Did he say that?

September 3, 2008

baffled-smiley-face.jpg    In earlier posts I alluded to the idea that your spouse can act like a mirror, showing you the best and worst of your own qualities.  I know that I can clearly see what my competitive side looks like when Swubby and I play Wii tennis.  It gets ugly on both sides.

We are both fiercely competitive, so much so that we had a moratorium on game-playing for a while at our house.  That reflection allowed me to change my ways (somewhat) and be more gentle with myself and others.  But what’s the deal when the reflection is warped?  I mean, what could/should you take away as a learning when your sweetie says or does something, well, stupid?

Swubby and I have been working like crazy this summer.  His market research business is booming, even in a down economy; and, ADRPracticebuilder.com, my mentoring program for mediators is off to a good start after a complete revamp this fall.  We’ve barely had time or energy to see each other much less our friends.  So, I count it as a special  treat when we get to socialize with other adults.

While in sunny South Pasadena, home of the goregous Arroyo Vista Inn which I’ll happily review on Friday, we had the good luck to attend a special wine dinner hosted there.  What a great time.  The crowd was mostly yoomers- young baby boomers- with a few younger and older folks mixed in.  Everyone was friendly.  Pat, the innkeeper, tells me that’s a California thing.  The weather was sublime- mid 70s with no humidity.  And, the wine was flowing so you can imagine that the conversation got lively pretty fast.

I was chatting with one couple about living in Pasadena (we’re considering a move) when out of the blue the hubby said something dumbfounding.  Now, I’m not going to repeat it.  Hearing it once was bad enough.    Suffice to say, it wasn’t pleasant chatter and exposed this guy as ignorant and thoughtless.  As the words rang in the air above our heads I glanced at his wife.  Then I knew I felt worse for her.  She was red, flustered and looking at the ground.  Completely embarrased. I wondered as I walked away why she didn’t say something to him, to me, to challenge his misguided thoughts.  What if, she agreed and he was simply mirroring what he knew to be her inner thoughts?

Brings up an interesting question, doesn’t it?  Are we responsible for the behaviors of our spouse?  Is it part of our wifely or husbandly duty to tell our dear one when he or she is rude or wrong? 

Take that idea one step further.  When our spouse does something wrong  should we touched by that taint in the same way we might bask in their reflected glories? I’m thinking primarily here of celebrities, and for whatever reason Wesley Snipes and Will Smith come to mind.  Wesley ran afoul of the IRS for tax evasion and Will is quickly developing into an role model like Denzel Washington.  I wonder what their spouses would have to say.

Now, personally, I don’t think I’m responsible for my swubby entirely.  He’s a grown man, after all, who knows the difference between right and wrong.  However, I did promise to help him become the best person he could as part of my wedding vows so I’ve got some skin in the game.   And, because I’d feel duty-bound to tell him when he was off-course or making a drastic misktake, as I would with any of my truly best friends.

On the other hand, I stopped picking out his clothes- come on ladies, you know you do that- because if how he looks is not a reflection on me as a wife.  Although, it may be commentary on my taste in men :)

Ok, I’m sure y’all will have something to say about this…let ‘er rip!

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Comments

2 Responses to “Duh! Did he say that?”

  1. Rori Raye on September 8th, 2008 7:09 pm

    This is such a great post - In all the years I’ve been coaching and writing, I’ve only come across this “my husband embarrasses me” issue a few times. I’ve seen and heard it, though, about “dating” a man constantly. The question for me, is, how does a woman get to marriage with a man who “embarrasses” her? Does she sweep it under the rug and feel resentful later? And in my experience, if a man is “unconscious,” ignorant and thoughtless in public AROUND her, he’s most likely unconscious, ignorant and thoughtless WITH her. So I wonder what’s going on at home.

    I’d love to hear more from you about how to handle the discussion later on at home about all this, and share my own thoughts, too. Rori

  2. Dina on September 8th, 2008 7:31 pm

    Thanks Rory for commenting. There’s a reason why we all have two ears but only one mouth. We need to talk less, ask more and listen twice as hard if we hope to understand ourselves and/or those around us.

    How spouses, particularly women, get into this situation is complex. Women are notorious for believing we can save or change our men so I think that’s part of the reason. Marriage isn’t about rescuing or changing any one. It’s about helping someone reach their potential if they so choose.

    So, I think when the wifey gets her hubby home (or vice versa) and they begin to ritual ‘rehash’ of the evening, a question or two would be in order. Stuff like:

    When you said xxx, I wondered what you meant by that?
    How did you come to thinking y about that?

    And, maybe a loving statement about her own feelings, like:

    I felt zzz when you said xxx. Could we talk more about that?
    I think yyy so when you did bbb, I felt zzz

    I’m encouraging a learning conversation, not an ambush.It’s truly difficult to ask and listen without judgment so be prepared to practice to get it right, folks.

    This topic begs another question for me: what happens to our identities when we marry. From a societal standpoint, I went frm being ‘me’ to ‘we’ and there doesn’t seem to be a great tolerance for spouses having independent thought. I could be wrong.

    What do you think Rory or anyone else who wants to jump in.

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