Forgive, of course. Forget…uh, never.
June 25, 2008
Last week we had our big annual summer bash which brings together all the friends we don’t get to see during the year. It’s tremendous fun and something thought-provoking always comes out of those late-night, Heineken fueled discussions.
We got around to talking about relationships (naturally) and the Sex in the City movie came up. I don’t mind saying it was a disappointment to me. The conclusion was too neat, and for two characters, Samantha and Miranda, too much out of character. What really puzzled me was the advice the therapist gave to Steve and Miranda: forgive and forget. Baloney!
Only the Strong Forgive
I’m a big fan of forgiveness. I’ve seen how healing it can be for both parties to forgive in my 18 years as a mediator. I know from my own life that once I forgave my mother all her sins, real and imagined, I could love her more fully. And, honestly, it seems unrealistic to expect that the people we love, who know & love us best, will not harm us in some way from time to time. So, I think forgiveness is a cornerstone of love.
To quote Gandhi, “…Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”
I forgive pretty easily. Sometimes, even when it’s not in my best interest to forgive. However, I don’t forget. My swubby teases me by calling me the elephant. I remember acts of kindness and generosity. It’s a mitzvah, I think, to repay a kindness forward. I help or give to someone else who may not be expecting it. I get such joy from that. Try it. Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line. Send someone a note of encouragement or congratulations. It feels wonderful, and if that person is also your spouse, it’s all the more lovely.
Forgetting is Madness
I also remember harmful acts. Not in a hateful way. I come from the Oscar Wilde school of forgiveness: ‘Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much.’
I’ve lived by the saying, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me’. It’s kept me out of trouble many a time. Pre-judging another person- not so good. Being prepared- priceless. So, I don’t think Miranda should forget that Steve ‘broke their marriage’. For people, past behavior does illustrate future behaviors. I know that sounds harsh. It just might be. Am I wrong…
In a relationship, should you always forget the wrongs done?
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Comments
2 Responses to “Forgive, of course. Forget…uh, never.”
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I think you have no choice but to forgive if you ever want to move on (together). I do not however, forget. Most times I wish I could though because it undoubtedly ends up resurfacing as fuel if such a similar issue were to ever arise.
I think it depends on what you mean by “forget.” We learn lessons from tough situations, and in a marriage if we handle them well, the tough situations can help us make course corrections and strengthen our relationships. So, remembering things can help us to prevent future mistakes. But there is definitely a need to “forget” in terms of not continually bringing up the past.