Have we failed to teach our children enough about marriage?
June 13, 2008
I’m privileged to be surrounded by smart, thoughtful people over at the This Marriage Thing Group I run on tbd.com , a relaxing community where people truly connect. Not only do these wonderful folks indulge me by answering my sometimes bizarre, oft-times challenging questions about love and marriage, they contribute their own excellent questions. Milt, who is filled with keen insights and wisdom and one of my favorite contributors (I’ve asked him repeatedly to married me), shared the following question:
Milt’s Question
Are we raising our children with a realistic understanding of marriage? In many cases, judging by the comments I see from adults here, in many cases, I think not.
I see comments beginning with words like: Aren’t people “supposed to” …
As soon as I see words like “supposed to,” it indicates to me that the writer hasn’t a clue about real life, communications skills or relationships.
Nothing on earth happens because it is “supposed to,” You either cause something to happen, work toward something happening or … it simply doesn’t happen.
More is learned about marriage from movies, television and fairy tales than from parents - in perhaps a large majority of homes. We insist our kids go to school to learn how to conjugate verbs but fail to teach them how to conjugate with each other.
With new marriages failing at over the 50% rate and old marriages dying more frequently too, perhaps we need to look at this issue as more important than global warming. Who cares if polar bears divorce?
Movie stars conjugate without so much as an “I do” before “I did!” People live together with no commitment and then expect marriage to work after he says, “Let’s get married or something.” They get married … and nothing!
I’m laying some of the blame directly in the laps of parents. How many left their children with the ability to communicate with a future spouse? How many understand themselves that marriage isn’t about sexual love alone but about a total commitment enveloping love, sex, duty, work, play, hard times, sickness, aging, children, braces and episodes of projectile vomiting?
I’d be curious to hear your thoughts - not your defensive remarks about how you are an exception to the rule. We are all only part right at best unless we live to see our children married for over 50 years — and most of us won’t by sheer nature of the fact that we will probably die before that.
Those married folks who make it without extreme negative issues and stay married only because it is expedient, do get a little more than those who don’t. Those whose parents set an example of a home with great communication and lasting commitment are more likely to produce children who follow in their footsteps. People who play as good a game as they talk raise kids who learn by what they see as well as what they hear.
If momma married a bad boy, daughter is likely to marry one and sonny is likely to emulate one. Nothing is 100%. Sometimes we learn from a negative example and do the opposite but we either become what we know or become the opposite of what we know if all we know are extremes.
Teach generalities and you have taught nothing. Teach rigidity and you have taught rebellion. Teach a child to think for him or herself and you have a start to a healthy, functioning adult if you have also set an example for a way that works.
Nuf sed … for now.
How powerful is that? It cried out to me for a response so here’s what I wrote:
Milt. what a terrific question. I do think there should be some sort of test for marriage skills which might be more important than, or equal to, a compatibility tests like those of Eharmony. I suggested something similar in another forum and people were offended by the idea, said it compromised their freedom. Me, I say a little compromise is worthwhile if it spares a small fraction of the pain, confusion and misconceptions that we have about marriage.
Maya Angelou is a wonderful teacher. From her I’ve learned to be the ‘conductor of my life’. She lives by a simply quote that forges hope, action and responsibility:
‘When I knew better, I did better’
Until married people who become parents know better there’s little hope that they can do better to teach their children good communication and negotiation skills. Or how to be in a loving, committed relationship.
I left my first marriage precisely because I didn’t want to perpetuate the cycle of hurt, loneliness and bitterness I’d grown up believing was a normal part of marriage. Making conflict resolution my life’s work allowed me to ‘know better’ and today my kids reap the benefits. Sure, they still struggle with relationships, it’s part of the process; however, they know how to ask for what they need, forgive and be compassionate and respect themselves. They see what a committed relationship looks, sounds and feels like because that’s what I have now. It ain’t perfect but it sure is realistic. I couldn’t ask to give them more.
Is Divorce or Poor Marriage Training to Blame?
Divorce gets a bad rap. I’ve been there so I know how tough it is on individuals and families. Divorce squashes dreams and breaks promises we didn’t even know we had; yet, I can’t help but wonder: is the problem really divorce? Or is the problem the lack of communication and negotiation skills, self-awareness and selfishness that permeates modern relationships that continues the cycle of pain?
Discuss!
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When Is It Time to Pack It In?
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Comments
2 Responses to “Have we failed to teach our children enough about marriage?”
Got something to say?
I know I didn’t get any marriage training besides examples. My family life wasn’t exactly ideal, so I pretty much got married without a clue. It was a lot of “on the job” training. I don’t think parents think about it much when their kids are little.
Btw…that whole 50% failure thing is a fallacy. The government hasn’t tracked marriage failure rates in at least 5 years, and the last time they did track them, the rate was about 40% and falling.
Just saying.
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