How Do You Re-invent Your Marriage?

May 1, 2008

Image credit: tzara One of the most startling things I’ve learned over the past 18 years as a mediator is how little control people believe they have over their own lives. I dealt mainly with the workplace, although I found the same is true at home. People are afraid to express their true desires.

I couldn’t do that. S/he won’t let me. What would I say?

You’ve probably said one of these yourself, or a variation, at some point. These phrases and mindsets have kept people trapped in unhappiness and frustration. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can break out of a rut.

I’ve always believed that my life was mine to create- the good and the not-so-good. I have the power to re-interpret circumstances and re-invent my life as needed. Or, at least that’s been true of my work life.

At home, I’ll admit to being less flexible. But that’s changing. I gave myself a talking to and took the counsel I’ve offered others: negotiate for your needs. Get clear about what you need- not simply want. There’s a difference. I’d like to eat chargrilled oysters from Acme Oyster everyday, but most days I need a nice meal, not spectacular.

Then, ask nicely.

I started with housework (we share more or we live with a mess). And, now I’m thinking about vacations. I want to re-invent how we think about enjoying vacations because lately it’s not much fun to go together (I’m better at dropping work pressures, I think) And, I realize I’d like to be able to go off alone without my swubby feeling abandoned or resentful. We just got back from a great trip to the Big Easy (boy, have I got video for y’all!) so we can start by looking at what made this trip so much fun.

Miles to Go Before We Sleep

This seems like only the beginning of the re-inventing we’ll need to do over the next decade or so. We’ve begun to negotiate what we each want for our ‘last home’, the place we’ll relocate to after the kids go off. I have a sense that there’ll be more talk about how we relate to friends as a couple once they’re gone, too. There’ll be more free time available that needs to be tagged as ‘me time’ or ‘we time’.

I’m certain we’re not the only ones making it up as we go, right? Why not take a moment to share what been useful for you, or whether marriage should be re-invented at all. Either way, it’ll be a good chat.

What would you recommend for couples who want to start over?

Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:
Does Marriage Suck?
Which is Harder: Getting or Keeping a Spouse?
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Comments

4 Responses to “How Do You Re-invent Your Marriage?”

  1. Ann Harrison on May 5th, 2008 12:34 pm

    Great post!

    I believe that primary relationships should definitely come up for renegotiation at the time of key life events such as retirement, the last child leaving home or a partner who has previously worked at home going back into the workplace.

    Most couples have a unspoken agreement about how they do things in their relationship that has been in place since the beginning of their relationship, i.e., who cooks, who cleans, who cleans the car, who deals with the finances, etc. I think that these life events are the ideal time to look at ‘who does what’ and if necessary, to reassign jobs either on a more equitable basis or according to personal preference.

    I suggest to my clients that they draw up a master list of jobs to be done, then each partner chooses the jobs from the list that they have a personal preference/aptitude for and then the rest are shared out on an ‘I’ll do it one week, you do it the next’ basis.

  2. Which is Harder: Getting or Keeping a Spouse? : This Marriage Thing on August 20th, 2008 9:27 am

    […] strive to know more, know better ways to relate. I’ve touched this topic in earlier posts here and […]

  3. monica fisk on August 21st, 2008 1:35 am

    dont know if you can help really i would like to talk to someone about my marraige as iam ready to hand it all in after 20 yrs of marraige and iam not concerned about me iam concerned about my sons as we emigrated just over 2 years ago and things have become unberable and am really unsure what i can do i have tried so many times but my husband seems to have one mindset so if you are the person i can talk to please let me know xxxxxx kind regards…

  4. Dina on August 21st, 2008 1:52 am

    Monica, I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough time. You’re right this blog is about figuring out marriage together. I think that you will be best served by talking with a counselor with or without your husband. You’ll gain perspective and begin to create options for making life better for you and your sons. Good luck

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