Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
April 18, 2008
Lots of people are pretty excited about talking about midlife marriage, but every now and again I run into someone who is different. Recently I talked with Lois who couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to read a blog like this. She said,’My husband and I never argue.’ OK
It seemed to me that you prized the fact that they don’t fight. I bet there’s someone in your circle of friends just like that, too. Personally, I don’t get that perspective. Because if you don’t disagree at least once in a while, where is the growth? Where’s the connection? Where’s the passion? Of course, I don’t mean to say that all fighting is good, but there needs to be a little tussle or things get boring.
In fact, there’s an expression I heard somewhere that goes like this: If we both have the same thoughts, one of us is unnecessary. I count on my hubby to bring a different perspective into my life on a variety topics from politics (we regularly debate what will happen if Obama wins) to movies ( he loves foreign films while I adore period pieces) to the best way to pack (it’s never too early to start).
Conflict is scary, I know. But lots of good things can come out of it, too, like: a greater understanding of yourself or your spouse, a shared sense of accomplishment (after your resolve things), or a realization that you need help (mediators are a great tool. I may be biased about this after spending 18 years resolving disputes. Still, others agree conflict can be good. In fact, a good argument may just save your life according to this article
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Take it from me, not arguing is one of the worst things you can do in a marriage. In my first marriage my spouse and I NEVER argued about anything. We only found our voices to express dissent and disagreement at the very end of the relationship. I think we both grew up with the notion that in a truly good marriage you were somehow suppose to have this “instant knowing” about what the other was thinking and feeling and to say it wasn’t there meant we weren’t successful as a couple. (Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy!)
When I began dating my current wife some years later, I was worried that arguing meant we did not agree and (since I had no other reference point) that it meant the end of the relationship. It took me a while to trust the idea that we could come out on the other side of an arguement in a much stronger place than we had been in before. Now I have learned to not sit with my disagreements but to formulate and express them as soon as possible,