Is it true that whomever makes the gold makes the rules in a marriage?
February 19, 2008
That’s a pretty ballsy statement, and probably not PC, but I wonder how many would agree with that privately.We say we’re all for equality in marriage but do we live that as a practice? I’d guess no, if our household is any indication. We don’t have a 50/50 split in terms of housework or finances at our house. The one more able to provide- time, money, brainpower, kisses-simply does, and because life is in flux, it all balances out. That is part of our commitment to each other.
I don’t have to tell you that money and marriage is a very complex issue. When I think more about this topic it becomes clear that part of the trouble is how we define work. How many times have you heard someone say, ‘Oh, I’m a mom. I don’t work’ or something similar? We’re all socialized to think that work that happens outside the home for pay is somehow more worthy, more significant, more period. Which is ironic because what’s more significant than creating and shaping the life of another human being?
Even if a woman works outside the home for pay, there’s a tendency to view the husband’s income as essential while the wife’s income is for extras. (Ok, I hear some saying who thinks like that? Plenty of people, and maybe even someone you’re married to. ) I think that puts a wife in the ‘less than’ position, which again shifts the balance of power over to the husband.
One I started poking around I found some interesting resources. Suze Orman, financial guru featured in Oprah magazine, has a fairly interactive online workbook for getting couples in ‘financial synch’ called A Couple’s Guide to Managing Money. I was also curious about Rhony Mahony’s book, Kidding Ourselves: which discusses how we unwittingly make choices that lead to an unfair division of labor and applies sophisticated negotiation theory to family dynamics. Could be a fun Sunday read.
Does money equate to power in a relationship? And, if so, does being a homemaker have significant value to make that person powerful in the relationship?
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2 Responses to “Is it true that whomever makes the gold makes the rules in a marriage?”
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I’ve always been the provider in my relationship and I would say that we decide things pretty equally. We both made some pretty silly money decisions when we were first married and that taught us that we need to work together.
There have been times, however, when one of us makes a decision unilaterally. Usually we’re willing to support each other when this happens, but sometimes we have to hash it out.
I’e been lurking on this site for a while, but could not let this question go by. In a healthy long term relationship, decision making needs to be a shared process. That does not mean that every minor decision gets discussed to death. Every couple has their way of “delegating” some decisions to the person best able to handle them, but big decisions should be joint.
Each member of the couple contributes to the family in his or her own way. This too can be discussed and agreed upon. At times one or the other may earn most or all of the money while the other does more child rearing and home care. In many cases both are shared activities with both spouses working outside the home.
At various times during my 22 year marriage I have made more money than my husband and then at others he has made more than I do. We’ve managed not to let that become a factor in any sort of a power game. It’s not easy, but we felt it was essential in order to keep our marriage on the track we like.