Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?
March 14, 2008
Really, is the idea of marriage like a social disease that passes from one partner to the next driven by societal and religious forces? It’s a totally radical way of thinking of marriage. Take it in for a moment. Do we get married because we want to or have to….
Perfect Wedding- Not!
Marriage is a time-honored tradition (not to mention a very lucrative industry) that most women and some men fantasize about, but also one that raises fear and doubt. People dream of being married, right? Then, why does a Google search reveal over 200k incidences for a search on ‘marriage sucks’? Or, over 500K for the term ‘divorce advice’. Relationship and marriage forums are lousy with people complaining about their spouses; how hard their lives are and why they are trapped, tortured, desperately unhappy.
Sounds horrible yet there are over 2 million marriages a year. Who would sign up for such misery unless they were ill or crazy, or maybe both? Milt, a member of my This Marriage Thing at TBD group, got me thinking about this. Maybe we marry not for love, but because we’ve got a social disease. We’re conditioned to think of marriage as ideal.
I Was Infected
My first marriage was very much ‘virus induced’. I spent 19 years studying when you count college and law school. That’s a long time for hard work and no play. When I graduated I wanted the life my friends had which included marriage and kids. It was time to get married. By some standards I was already an old maid at 28. Time for the American dream. So, I pursued that just like I pursue all my goals-fiercely!
Looking back, I know I was under the influence of something else, the social virus of marriage. The contagion was powerful and I couldn’t resist having the exact life that my parents, my friends, and society expected. I never gave being single a single thought because every day something or someone else re-infected me. I fell in line like one of those bone-munching zombies in the Shaun of the Dead , or the book ‘I am Legend’ by Richard Matheson. Once infected, I was doomed to comply.
What’s the Source of Marital Dis-ease?
Personally, I’m blaming all those damned fairy tales for making marriage the ideal. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty were all out for one thing: to marry a prince. Happily ever after was assumed. I dare you to name one Disney heroine who isn’t married( maybe Mulan?)
Maybe, marriage is the ideal because it’s a social indicator. The second thing most people want to know when they meet you is: are you married? For some folks your status says a lot. It sure felt like my ’social capital’ when up or down depending on whether I was married or divorced. Divorcees are feared, you know. And, to be honest, I truly enjoyed my divorced and single days, once I got past feeling guilty or like the wallflower at the big prom with no date.
Do we marry because we want to or because of some social imperative?
Just for the record, I love being married now. (key music) ‘If there’s a cure for this I don’t want, I don’t want it… If there’s cure for this, I’ll run from it’ What tune is that music fans? Answer to follow in a follow up post.
Does Marriage Suck?
Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
What About Marriage Frightens You?
Comments
7 Responses to “Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?”
Got something to say?
some people probably get married b/c of the social disease thing. I know I can think of a couple.
I think people really want long lasting, solid, committed relationships. They may or may not know that marriage is supposed to be that the only way that you can have that relationship at the highest level.
You can live with someone, date someone, be totally in love and committed, but I believe that unless you are willing to be married, you are still holding something back.
I also believe that marriage lasts beyond this life, but that’s a religious belief that I don’t know if you want to get in to here.
Here’s the rub, Cory. I normally would agree with you- if you hesitate to marry then something is missing. I’m definitely a pro-marriage gal, but not in an officious way. I think it’s the height of respect and love.
Yet, I’ve read comments from folks who say they have the same committed feeling without the paper. For them, it’s the people not the paper.
So, it makes me wonder, if marriage was the exception, not the rule, would it make marriage more special?
d
I don’t think it would make it more special. The studies I’ve read (and I’ll admit that I’m not a social scientist, so my reading could be skewed) all say that marriage is more likely to end in divorce when people live together before they get married. That tells me that something isn’t right when people say, “let’s just live together. We don’t need the paper.”
It’s not the paper, folks. It’s the ceremony, the formal commitment. Of course, it also helps if you are making that formal commitment to not just your spouse and yourself, but also to a higher power.
No, it’s not the paper….it’s the DECISION to be bound to another human being, and that can have its own ritual and ceremony to it.
The higher power thing…eh, I certainly believe in one. But I’m not so sure that figures prominently in my decision to commit. Needs more thought.
I dont know about you, Cory, but I’m having fun chatting you up. Who else can we get to play?
d
The chatting is definitely fun. A couple of things you can probably do to encourage conversation:
- post more often. you have great material but you only post weekly. I post 3 - 6 times per week and it took about 2 months before people really started contributing
- make your blog posts “above the fold.” when you land on thismarriagething.com you get a big “about me” but most people want to see your content right off without scrolling down
- find a way to post a feed of your TBD group to your blog.
of course, things will increase as you build traffic to your blog
just my thoughts
I do think there is a significant pressure for people to be married by a certain time, but I can honestly say its a good pressure. The ideal of sharing a life with another person is admirable, but they never say it takes a lot of work.
Like anything, if you are willing to work at it, the rewards are incredible.
@ Jarrett
It’s kinda like childbirth. If someone told women how annoying and painful it would be-before and after- there’d be a lot few people around!
Also, like child-rearing the rewards are worth it, but they never show up when you need them. In both cases, folks depend on faith that things will work out. Me, I’d rather do the work.
Thanks, d