Empty Nest: The First Real Goodbye
May 30, 2008
Today, my baby girl graduates from high school. I’m shocked. It’s cliché to say ‘where did the time go? But honest, where DID the time go?
It feels to me like she was just a baby, perched on the dishwasher door proudly grinning at her own feat of daring, last month. Now, she’s striking out on her own traveling across the country to California for Occidental. Is she ready? I think so, even though she still can’t run the dishwasher.
Preparing for the First Real Goodbye
I’ve always believed that my kiddos were on loan. Mine for a short while until they could make their own way in the wide world. So, over the years I’ve practiced saying good bye. Leaving Miss Thang at daycare for the very first time, smiling so broadly my face hurt because I didn’t want her to see my tears and be afraid. Hovering just outside the classroom as I dropped Handsome off for his first day of ‘big boy school’ because I thought my big boy might need one more hug and I really wanted to give him ten more.
All this practicing was for them…and me. I wanted them to know that the world is a wonderful placed filled with adventures and challenges that must be embraced. It’s good to leave home, literally and figuratively. I wanted to learn how to loosen my grip without panicking. These two darlings are tightly bound to me, my flesh and blood, and being without them, even for a short time, is painful.
Just as I knew that each practice goodbye would lead to another grateful hello, I knew that one day the goodbye would be real. Someday, I’ll be childless. They wouldn’t live near me. Time and location will pull us apart, and rightfully so. That’s why I’ve tried to maintain my ‘Dina-ness’ , my distinct identity as a person separate from being Mom.
Keep Your ‘You-ness’
There’s no shortage of parenting advice , but I thought I’d throw my own special spin on this you-ness thing. These ideas helped me define myself and my boundaries, which ultimately helped my kids.
Have Interests This sounds like a gimme but it’s pretty hard to carve out time consistently. You’ve heard that houses can be money-pits, well, kids are energy-pits. They can consume your every waking thought (and a few dreams, too). Make a point of learning something new every year.
For a while I had a crazy country line dancing obsession that I shared with the kids. I needed to do something so out of character. They loved it -they were really young-and laugh at me for it to this day.
Have Friends Another gimme, I know. Widen your circle of friends and party. Your marriage will be happier and your kids will see more you-ness. Recently I took Handsome to a mini-reunion of my high school buddies, who are all wildly different. He enjoyed it. I loved it. My kids learned how to be a good friend and host because they saw me being one.
Have Couple Time Sure, every parenting expert says married couples should have a date night. A night ain’t gonna cut it. Life and kids get in the way- frequently. An adults-only vacation is a must at least once a year. Get a planner to arrange everything for you to reduce your stress.
Leave the Kids Home Alone
Ok,, not really, but here’s a great idea to remind you that you were a couple before you were parents. Elena Mathis of Child Free Travel specializes in vacations without the pitter patter of little feet. What does adult-only mean? That the properties have age restrictions and cater to specific adult needs- there won’t be any younguns’ to make you feel guilty for leaving yours or interrupt you as you get you ‘fun on’.
Interestingly, Elena has a diverse group of folks who seek these types of vacations: boomer honeymooners, empty-nesters,. Recently she helped a mom celebrate her 60th birthday with a child-free thing because she said it’s finally time for me! Who can’t relate to that?
Don’t be fooled, though. There’s a myth that ‘adult only’ is a wild, hedonistic ride, but Elena confirms that most hotels are upscale, luxurious and cater specifically to a discerning clientèle- that’s you and I. Curious? Here’s the best way to proceed:
- Go to Child Free Travel and look around Elena’s website which is very comprehensive and feature just about every trip she books.
- Join her mailing list. You’ll get to browse and alot of great info for planning.
- Chat Elena up on her toll-free number at 866-388-6372. She returns all calls within 24 hours so you don’t have to wait for your dream vacation.
If you play your cards right, you’ll have a life, a happy marriage and be ready to say the real goodbye when the time comes.
What you do to maintain your you-ness?
Wanna comment? The ‘Leave a Comment’ button next to the date above
Putting ME back into Mother!
Can Smut Save a Stalled Sex Life?
Comments
3 Responses to “Empty Nest: The First Real Goodbye”
Got something to say?
I don’t have children of my own but can say that I think it essential to your own health and well being to have your own interests. Something that is yours. To branch out even more, I’d add that you need space that is yours but that is another topic for another day. I keep my “me-ness” by engaging in my personal interests which are crafts (knitting, spinning, sewing). My husband does this also with golf and music. I think it’s really important to have individual interests and activities, one just needs to be careful to not forget to dedicate time to joint activities and interests to keep the marriage happy.
PS. I’m sure she’ll do great out in Cali!!
Empty nest is the hardest time I have had in my 50+ years so far. It was a pleasure reading your postings. Kayaking has become my way of dealing with the “empty nest”. I started a web site http://www.igoKayaking.com to take up some time and talk about what I love to do.
Keep writing - I will keep reading!
Thanks, Elroy, for sharing your site. Looks like you have a lot of cool interests. I could’ve used that low-fat cheesecake recipe last week. Yum!