Separate but Equal: Is Sleeping Apart OK?
June 18, 2008
The first time I visited my swubby’s family vacation house in Vermont it was quite an experience. Not because I fell out of an apple tree and almost broke my ankle. (I couldn’t resist climbing to the top to get the big ones). Or, because it was a full family press- his 5 siblings and their families were all in attendance for the annual cider pressing. Although I admit that I was overwhelmed by all the activity, noise and general chaos. No, what really amazed me was hearing my brother-in-law,, Stan, snore.
A Turbo Chain Saw
That’s truly the only way to describe the noise that came out of him while taking a nap on the living room couch. It was loud and prolonged. Really window-rattling. I wondered how his sweet wife, Karen, put up with it. I know from past experience that the ‘rolling-on-the-side’ thing is a wive’s tale. It does not work.
I got my answer at bedtime. While the rest of us scurried off to our rooms, Stan got comfy on the living room couch. He sleeps there. Karen sleeps in the bedroom next door. I’m guessing she still hears him but it’s better than being in the same bed.
Is It OK for Couples to Sleep Apart?
Interesting question, isn’t it. I don’t know why we have such a fixation on having couples sleep together. What does it prove? Sure, cuddling is nice. My swubby is a world-class snuggler but does getting to REM sleep together make a relationship better, closer? I don’t know.
Separate Houses?
What if we extend the idea of separateness a bit more? My dear friend Helen is in a very loving, committed relationship with her handsome guy. They have never lived together. Somewhere deep in my brain I can’t help think that’s been part of their success. What’s that saying about familiarity? It breeds contempt.
Couples who live apart for financial reasons, i.e. work opportunities, seem to be accepted, maybe even pitied by friends and family. You gotta do what you gotta do. I’m guessing that couples who simply realize they’d rather live separately are viewed quite differently. You tell me.
What would it mean if you choose to live separately from your spouse?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Bedtime Stories for Grown Ups
What is a Wife’s role: moneymaker or homemaker?
Romantic Memoirs-the Finalists!
Comments
5 Responses to “Separate but Equal: Is Sleeping Apart OK?”
Got something to say?
Dina,
How right you are with this comment! My sister is in the same boat as your sister-in-law. The family thinks there is something wrong with their relationship sleeping in separate bedrooms, that somehow they are drifting apart. I say without the proper sleep - THEY WILL DRIFT APART.
You have never seen my sister when she is sleep deprived.!
I think it’s great that your friend Helen has her own space and independence. I think people go through phases and growing spurts in relationships and sometimes can lose their selves in it all, but with your own space and independence, I think you have a better shot at also being true to yourself while also having a relationship that you can focus on. Sleeping apart is completely fine IMO. Especially if you need to do it to actually get some restful sleep. You’re not conscious so I don’t see how that could impact anything. Living separately after having been married and living together to me, is alarming. I think that could mean bad things as it doesn’t sound like a change in the right direction.
My wife and I have slept in separate beds in the same room for about a year now and couldn’t be happier. We are both very logical people and realized that pretty much after the cuddling and talking we would roll over to our sides of the bed and sleep. I don’t sleep to well and noticed that every time I rolled over or got up in the middle of the night she would stir, interrupting her sleep. When it was time for new beds we bought two XL twin beds (that way if we didn’t like it we could push them together and make a king size bed). When we go to bed we still cuddle and talk in one of our beds and then when it is time to sleep we go to our separate beds. It has worked great. She sleeps better and I don’t feel guilty about rolling over or getting up. I’m all for it as long as I still get my cuddle time in
My wife and I have reached an agreement that, if either of us need to stay up late, we will not come in to the bedroom and disturbe the other, but rather will retire to the spare bedroom for that particular night. Believe me, it works well for us! I like some late night television (or basketball playoffs!! Yeah Celtics!) and she prefers to work on her sleep deprivation! We still manage to find time to connect and always check in to make sure we’re in a good place.
@ Elroy- I hear ya! I’m as mean as a bear if I don’t get my rest
@ Erin- Or, it may mean the couple is making a more conscious decision to go in the same direction, even though they live in separate houses. Our neighbor lives here while his wife lives in No. Carolina. Each hates the other climate so the visit back and forth. Seems to work.
@ Jon- I’m an extremely light sleeper so my hubby always wakes me when he gets up at night. Yet I know he’d never agree to twin beds; he likes to feel skin!
@Matt- You were on the couch but for a very good reason. Even I stayed up to watch the Celts return to glory
Great answers. Who knew this topic would spark such talk…