Sexless Marriage: Isn’t Anybody Getting Any?
July 25, 2008
Maybe it’s because the weather is hot. Maybe I’m just in the mood. But recently, I’ve noticed a lot of talk about sex on the different marriage and relationship forums I frequent. That’s not a surprise. What I find shocking is how many yoomers ( my new word for young baby boomers) describe their marriages as ’sexless’.
How does a marriage become sexless?
Is desire for one’s partner like the eraser on a pencil that wears down to nothing over time until it’s all gone? That’s the feeling I get reading some of the posts for my group over at TBD.com and other forums. People want to have more sex with their spouses. That doesn’t sound too hard to do, yet it doesn’t happen.
Here are the stats I pulled down from Dr. Phil’s site:
Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That’s slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than people who have never been married. — Newsweek 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today
So I’m wonder if it’s an environmental problem. You know, too many outside distractions- kids, jobs, house- taking time and attention away from the relationship.
Maybe it’s loss of sex drive. Getting older does some funky things to our hormones. Hey, maybe it’s because men have viagra and women get nada. (Viagra actually works to improve a women’s sex drive but Pfizer has no plans of formulating a pill for women..typical!)
Maybe our expectations are too high. Magazines stacked next to the checkout counter that suggest that not only is everyone getting down. Who wouldn’t feel a little discouraged that your sex life was lacking after reading those blaring titles or one of the damned sex surveys.
(By the way, I rarely see these types of articles featured in men’s magazines- why is that? Along with raising the kids, running the house, cooking meals are women in charge of great sex, too?)
Maybe we’re conditioned to think that middle-aged folks don’t have sex anymore. One could certainly get that idea from TV, where there seems to be a 35 and under rule in effect for sex scenes. Other than a few cable shows like Tell Me You Love Me and Big Love I don’t recall see much december romance. And that’s really too bad.
While I don’t want to start a rant, or encourage anyone to spill personal details, I do want to understand this better. Answers, anyone?
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You didn’t do all that much research did you? Dr Phil is the last person you should go to for answers.
Marriages become sexless because people get bored. Men especially need newness and variety in order to become aroused. This is why online porn is a multi billion dollar business.
It is very hard to get aroused with the same person for 20 or 30 years. Many men just give up trying and take care of themselves and many women are secretly happy they are doing that.
If you want to stay married good sex is really only to be had when you’re young.
Hey James, thanks for the post…I think. At best, my ‘research’ got the conversation started.
And, I have to say I know a few people who will be disappointed to hear that good sex is only for the young, especially since they aren’t young. Me, among them.
Good is such a relative term, don’t ya think? I mean when you’re starving, even cold pizza is good.
The thing is women who are no longer aroused by their husbands can still have sex if the partner requests it. Men in the same situation cannot.
If a man isn’t aroused nothing happens.
And some men would rather starve than eat cold pizza.
Hmm, you mean nothing happens for him. I’m guessing that a man can still satisfy his partner whether or not he’s aroused.
James, you are right, some men don’t like cold pizza. Some men love it though.
“Men especially need newness and variety in order to become aroused.”
My parents were married for 54 years. They had a sexually intimate relationship right up until the day hospice set up a bed for him in their bedroom. He was definitely a cold pizza man.
I’m sure if he were living he would tell you that marital sex has nothing to do with newness or variety. It is about emotional connection and love for your spouse. I know for sure he would laugh at the idea that good sex is only to be had when you’re young.
I think Cathy is right. My parents still have sex alot apparently, and they are still incredibly in love. I’m not married, but I would imagine most of the reason for a marriage turning sexless is a slow losing of a connection with your spouse, and then not knowing how to get back on the wagon.
I know in my relationship, that’s been a difficult part. Once you get into a habit and a rut, it’s difficult to pull out of it.
Researchers at the University of Alabama at Birmingham reaffirmed in the British Journal of Ophthalmology the link between vision problems and erectile dysfunction drugs.
They studied men who had histories of heart trouble and found that those who had taken Viagra or Cialis were ten times as likely to have optic nerve damage as those who had not.
Meanwhile for women, caffeine may offer a natural boost to the libido.
Scientists at Southwestern University in Georgetown, TX found that female rats were more interested in sex after a dose of caffeine, according to Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behavior. In the test, females returned for second encounters with males more quickly if they had received a moderate amount of the stimulant. The researchers are planning further studies to assess the effects of repeated exposure to caffeine.
Source: BusinessWeek, February 13, 2006
James is quite correct. For men at least, being stuck for half a century with one person is a guarantee for loss of interest and even depression.
It’s like this. Suppose I like pepperoni pizza, it’s my favorite. By marriage conventions, I would be obliged to eat pepperoni pizza, and ONLY pepperoni pizza, for ever day for the rest of my life. How much do you think I’d be looking forward to pepperoni pizza after a few years? Yeah, it’s the same thing.
The sad thing is, if marriage weren’t so restrictive, it would probably work OK. Back to pizza: if after choosing pepperoni pizza I was obliged to do my part to ensure pizza bakers were economically supported in rough times, but could eat whatever I wanted, I would surely continue to love pizza as my favorite. If only our rules on marriage weren’t so… medieval.
But it’s precisely the backwardness of marriage that gives me hope. It will collapse of its own unsuitability for human happiness, like slavery and Communism before it. By 2099 I’ll wager marriage will be quite rare in the developed world.
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