Are We Our Parents’ Parents?
March 25, 2008 | 1 Comment
Curious question, huh? It came to me in that lazy, piecemeal way most interesting questions do. The origin was a discussion I had with my TBD group (This Marriage Thing). I love reading all the different responses to my wacky questions. People really challenge me to open my perspective with their answers. That’s way cool.
Any way, the earlier discussion question was: What’s your biggest question about finding care for your aging parents? I was surprised by the passionate opinion of one member who didn’t expect a thing from his children. It introduced the idea that not every elder wants to be cared for in the way a kid might think.
We are Not Our Parents’ Parents
My mom, Mary, is very spry at the ripe old age of 80, but I’m not deluding myself that her good health will last forever. Finding a good solution for her care when I’m in another state has been an occupation of mine for the last few years. I felt my role as eldest daughter demanded I take charge of this. I’m a big planner. Seemed to me the best solution was for Mom to live with or very close to me.
My mom has been fending off my offers to- move in, move closer, move to closer to your sister- for years. Sure, she wanted to be independent but I thought she’d get over it. I started asking when she was 60. She’s 80 now and still says I have to watch the house. To which I reply, Is it gonna do tricks? She has other plans.
So, I am not my mother’s mother. She’s a grown women who deserves to make her own choices to the very end, whether I like them or not. My job is to love her and help her achieve what she wants in the best way possible. Speaking of which, check out the inventive means three brothers employ to lovingly care for their 91 year old mom, Mary.
Breaking the Cycle
I’m almost over the hill now-just joking. But I do realize my kids may be feeling the same pressures to protect me. Since my diagnosis of MS they tend to hover a bit. I’m gonna sit them down and have a talk about how involved I’d like all three of us to be as I age. I already got a hint . I jokingly asked Handsome if I could come live with him when I was old. He paused then said he thought of me as the independent type who wouldn’t want to live with her kids, so no. That boy!
You can get help planning for your future care from AGIS, a portal for elder care issues.
What would you tell your kids about dealing with you as you age ?
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What’s Your Biggest Question about Finding Help to Care for an Elderly Relative or Parent?
March 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I talk to my mom each week, sometimes several times. At almost 80, she’s incredibly spry and active. Yet, a recent bout with the flu reminded me that won’t always be true. And, because I live in MA while she’s in NY it worries me that I can’t be there myself to help out. Yesterday, I attended a brief lecture on being sensitive to elder needs while handing care arrangements lead by a mediator who plans to specialize in elder care issues. Good stuff.
Searching the internet has been a godsend and a curse. So many new online resources- too many really to make a good choice. Then, there’s the question of which ones, in which order- free or paid. Driving service, cleaning service, healthcare advocate….A daughter could go nuts!
I think there must be an easier way, so I’m thinking about writing a guide to save me, and others, time and aggravation, in vetting online and off-line services. Maybe, even a state-by-state guide of free and paid stuff. But I’m not sure what makes sense.
What would you want to see included in a one-stop guide about elder care?
PS What does this have to do with marriage,you ask? My mother and swubby adore each other. However, I think splitting my attention and energies will definitely impact us, especially when I need to travel to NY more frequently as her condition changes. When my father’s mother came to live with them it was pretty clear that it caused a rift between them because it increased my mother’s workload enormously while my father got all the praise.
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How are You Dealing with Being the Sandwich Generation?
February 29, 2008 | 1 Comment
My mom, bless her heart, turns 80 next year. I worry about her. My sister lives with her while my mom cares for my nephews, which she’s done for the past 20 years or so. I think it’s time for her to hang up her apron-strings and relax already.
I imagined my retirement would be a care-free time, chockfull of opportunities to do the exciting things you put off while raising a family. You know, like travel and perfecting my cooking. Well, turns out that might a fantasy. Baby boomers (and older adults) are squished by on both sides- caring for children and aging parents. Seems like care-giving never ends and I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just bewildering.
Did you know over 50% of people in their 60-70s provide financial support to their children? Me, neither. Or, that a quarter of folks over 70 lend a hand with household chores like cooking, cleaning and shopping to a relative or friends, according to studies? Those figures might not be any different than earlier generations, but it feels different now because families are so geographically far-flung and the stressed.
Welcome to the Sandwich Generation, my friends. There are over 16 million people who describe themselves as caregivers for both their children and elderly parents. Think you might be one? Here’s a humorous Top 10 list from CareStation, a site designed to help families cope with aging:
“Top Ten” list to identify those “hams” out there balancing the breads and with more on your plate than you need, read this – and enjoy:
10. You envy people who lead simpler, less stressful lives, like air-traffic controllers.
9. Your old 9-to-5 grind is now the “good ol’ days.”
8. You wonder how much it would cost to have your dining room set laminated.
7. You’re convinced that both Spongebob and Matlock are out to get you.
6. You’ll never forget your last vacation, “Summer ‘05: Daiquiris at the Mall.
5. You save the nice sippy cups for company.
4. You’d kick your oldest son out, but he’s the only one who can work the TV.
3. You apply for a patent for Adjust-a-Loo, the world’s first multigenerational toilet.
2. Your Dad reminds you he doesn’t need high SATs to get into a good nursing home.
1. Mom ran out of Depends? One word: Huggies.
Number 4 resonates with me (except my Handsome has a few more years before he’s out of the house!)
Since I can’t convince my mom to move in with me- no matter how many times I’ve begged her over the years- I’m starting to line up resources to help us both cope with what’s ahead. Boomer Chronicles had a terrific article that lists all sorts of emerging businesses devoted to elder care. Even remotely, I can be a caregiver and make a difference in her daily life.
I was also thrilled to learn about entrepreneurs like Katherine Freund who are developing services that allow elders to be active, social and independent. Freund runs the national Independent Transportation Network, which is like a ‘ride bank’ for non-driving seniors. You can pay to have someone drive your loved one or volunteer and bank the hours for your own family. Like my plan for TMT, Katherine took a passion of her own and turned it into a elder care business that helps others. That’s creative problem-solving.
What are you doing to take care of your loved ones without ending up like a smushed PBJ sandwich?
Happy Loving Day!
Are We Our Parents’ Parents?
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