Do We Expect Too Much from Marriage?
April 7, 2008 | 5 Comments
While exploring the blogesphere I came across an interesting post that pondered whether some of us might be a bit delusional about the state of our marriages.
The Myths about Marriage
The myth about marriage is that we expect to be happy and stay that way. That really resonated with me. I’m a gal with big expectations and always have been.
Traditionally speaking, middle age has been the time when couples expect to suffer from midlife crisis (men and women), higher divorce rate, and a general malaise and resignation about the future. Or, at least, that’s what I glean from reading the many forums, blogs and listservs about relationship and marriage. All that sadness and longing almost made me cry. I created ThisMarriageThing specifically so that midlife couples, like us, could expect more love, affection, commitment, connection, understanding, not less.
My Expectations
Oddly enough, I’d say my expectations of marriage have changed. Mainly, because I’ve changed- thank G-d! I’ve practically lost all my expectations about our daily life, which startles my poor swubby. What, you don’t expect me to file the laundry immediately after drying and whisk away to the drawers warm? Cool! We’re both so busy I’m happy the laundry is done and I didn’t have to do it. So, who cares if it’s cold. I don’t expect him to like everything I do, or go the places I want to go.
On the other hand, my expectations about the quality of our relationship are fairly high. I expect, nay demand, that we work on our relationship, that our life be examined and well lived. I expect us to share common goals and be honest about it when we don’t. I expect his support and caring, and I’ll admit that one has gotten me into trouble in the past. Why? Because we define those words so differently, and because as humans we want what we want, not what someone else has to give.
Where is the Love?
We had prime example of that the other evening. I was finishing a dreaded report that I’d agonized over for weeks. Now, you gotta understand I’m not a girl that wrings her hands at everything. I’m pretty unflappable, but this pushed all the wrong buttons and I freaked- twice. That’s pretty telling yet my swubby completely missed the signs. I blew up.
When we talked about it later he said generally he feels fine after he freaks out and thought I would, too. He expected me to lighten up. I was expecting him to baby me a bit more as I neared the finish line and throw in a celebration at the end. I see now that while I can hold the expectation for support, we need more talk about execution.
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What About Marriage Frightens You?
March 20, 2008 | 6 Comments
This is a 3 a.m. question. I have insomnia so I often get a chance to ponder a juicy 3 a.m. question.
Me+Me= We
I was afraid of losing myself to marriage when I was a young bride. I was frightened of being molded into someone else like a dutiful, boring wife . I’d be Mrs. Lawyer. Not Dina, the mediator. I didn’t want to change my ‘Dina-ness’
Wife +Mom=- Dina
That is what happened, of course, the minute I became a mother. I love my kids; they are my heart. But I lost me in trying to be the very best mother for them. It was years before I remembered what I liked to do on a Saturday. Marriage took it’s toll on Dina-ness, too.
Twice as Nice
Second time around the ol’ marriage block, things are different. No identity crisis–when I hit 40 my Dina-ness peaked. I’m all me– all the time–like it or lump it. Stubborn girl that I am, experience finally taught me a little more about love and what it truly looks like. (Hint: it doesn’t always look like you’d expect)
How Do You Stop the Sun from Shining?
This time around I worry about not having enough time together. I feel blessed to find my b’sheert. We’ve been together, my swubby and I, for eight years, with the last 2 as newlyweds. I’m happily married. (I wonder how many people would honestly say that?) Not without drama or difficulty, but it’s really nice. So much so, I’ll need at least another 20 years. My swubby says he’ll try to make that happen.
What about marriage keeps you up at night?
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