Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
April 18, 2008 | 1 Comment
Lots of people are pretty excited about talking about midlife marriage, but every now and again I run into someone who is different. Recently I talked with Lois who couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to read a blog like this. She said,’My husband and I never argue.’ OK
It seemed to me that you prized the fact that they don’t fight. I bet there’s someone in your circle of friends just like that, too. Personally, I don’t get that perspective. Because if you don’t disagree at least once in a while, where is the growth? Where’s the connection? Where’s the passion? Of course, I don’t mean to say that all fighting is good, but there needs to be a little tussle or things get boring.
In fact, there’s an expression I heard somewhere that goes like this: If we both have the same thoughts, one of us is unnecessary. I count on my hubby to bring a different perspective into my life on a variety topics from politics (we regularly debate what will happen if Obama wins) to movies ( he loves foreign films while I adore period pieces) to the best way to pack (it’s never too early to start).
Conflict is scary, I know. But lots of good things can come out of it, too, like: a greater understanding of yourself or your spouse, a shared sense of accomplishment (after your resolve things), or a realization that you need help (mediators are a great tool. I may be biased about this after spending 18 years resolving disputes. Still, others agree conflict can be good. In fact, a good argument may just save your life according to this article
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Do You Avoid Fighting with your Spouse?
February 13, 2008 | Leave a Comment
It seems to be a cultural norm here that fighting with your spouse is wrong. In fact, many people go out of their way to avoid fighting only to cause more misery by bottling up their feelings.
Personally, I started off as a ‘grudge holder’. Man, I was the champion. My razor-sharp memory could recall the minute details of the last conversation/act/thing that royally pissed me off. It was ugly. This marriage I’ve gone completely in the other direction, perhaps to the chagrin of my poor swubby. I discuss my needs, desires and beliefs and expect him to do the same (that’s when we start fighting 
)
Turns out fighting can be good for you. According to the University of Michigan Public School of Health, folks that hold in those angry feelings are twice as likely to die early. So, I’m actually saving our lives with all the introspection- I’ll have to bring that up at dinner tonight.
So, would you rather suffer or fight?
Sidenote:
As a mediator, I know how tough it can be for people to express their feelings, especially the ones we perceive as negative like anger, disappointment and hurt. What I discovered over the years is that the dread of talking and negative predictions about outcomes are much, much worse than the actual conversation. And, even if things don’t get resolved entirely, the conversation itself will clear the air. Here are a few quick tips to get started:
- Decide what’s your purpose in having the conversation. Convey a message. Understand better. Solve a problem Generally piss the person off. (you’ll have less success with this last one)
- Identify what you need from the person. Notice I didn’t say want. As the song says, ‘you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need’.
- Be curious instead of confrontational. Ask genuine questions to understand your partner’s interest, needs, concerns. It’s a lot easier to be open and give when we know the other person cares
- Recognize that agreeing to disagree is a viable solution. Not every dispute has an answer or answer right now.
Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?
Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss