Lodging Review: Arroyo Vista Inn- The antidote for civilization
September 5, 2008 | Leave a Comment
My swubby works very hard running his business. And, I work just as hard running mine. For now, This Marriage Thing is my hobby, but shortly it’ll be my retirement business.
Our days are long, and there are calls to make, even on vacation. So, when we do get a few days to ourselves I’m fairly particularly about where we spent them and with whom. Especially since all our vacations now have an added ‘mission’- to find the right place to relocate in two years. You can imagine how much research I put into finding a relaxing oasis for our week in Southern Pasadena, as we combined some R&R with dropping Miss Thang off at Occidental.
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Can Smut Save a Stalled Sex Life?
July 18, 2008 | 7 Comments
I like to think I’m as ’smut-minded’ as the next person, able to dream up a juicy fantasy to act out at will. My swubby is a handsome guy with the sweetest lips. So, generally, all he needs to do is give me ‘the look’ and it’s on!
But you know how it is when you’ve been in a committed relationship. Familiarity is not the stuff ‘hotness’ is made from. After a while, your imagination fades, or at least, mine does. Short and sweet, we got bored with each other. (Warning- what comes next is adult content)
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Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss
May 16, 2008 | 4 Comments
Curious sort that I am, I can’t resist asking provocative questions when I meet new people. It’s a great way to break the ice and sometimes I get more to think about than I bargained for. I was attending a Ladies Who Launch event when I met a trio of new moms where were considering starting a new business. They weren’t quite Yoomers yet but I was wanted to know their take on marriage. So I asked: what does it take to have a happy marriage?
The Greek Chorus
Well, the answer came simultaneously from all three: Compromise!
That’s an answer I’m well familiar with. Compromise is one of the five conflict styles that we can employ to resolve conflict. The five styles are: Avoid, Compete, Compromise, Accommodate and Collaborate.
Folks who know and use all five styles interchangeably tend to be the most successful in resolving disputes in a productive, satisfying way at work or at home. That’s because each situation calls for an evaluation of the circumstances, the other person and what will work best. So, if you’re out late at night and a robber says give me your wallet, that is NOT the time to compromise- how about I give you the cash and keep the credit cards?
The Good Side of Compromise
I can see why so many advice columns, therapists and long-married folks tout compromise as a god-send in marriage. It is. Compromising allows you as a couple ti:
- negotiate to get your needs met
- reduce disputes
- make deposits in your ‘good will’ bank
- identify common interests and explore new ones
- move forward instead of being stuck in an argument
- feel like a team
Generally speaking, compromise in relationships is a good thing, to paraphrase Martha Stewart. People who compromise report being better liked and happier. But is that the entire truth?
The Dark Side of Compromise
Like with most things, there’s a flip side. Have you ever thought about the cons of compromise? Most people haven’t. I’m willing to bet that many long-married folks have a thought or ten about the dark side, though. Maybe you’ll comment and enlighten us all. (see the Leave a Comment link next to the date above).
Compromises means getting some, but not all of what you want or need. Always being ready to compromise may mean that you:
- repeatedly put the needs/interest of your spouse over yours
- experience resentment or hurt
- aren’t known
- don’t get your interests/needs met at all or until far in the future
- feel like a doormat
If you see yourself in this list you may want to think about whether you use compromise as a cop-out, a way to avoid having a deeper conversation with your mate.
It’s a Choice
Recognizing that I have a choice on how to handle things with my swubby has done wonders for my self-esteem and our marriage. Compromise is not my default position now as it was in my first marriage (although he often says he’d like a bit more). I’m much more likely to accommodate my DH with a clear understanding that I expect the same or simply compete. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to bully him. It only means I’m a lot clearer about who I am and how I want to live my life.
Let me know what you think…
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Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
April 18, 2008 | 1 Comment
Lots of people are pretty excited about talking about midlife marriage, but every now and again I run into someone who is different. Recently I talked with Lois who couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to read a blog like this. She said,’My husband and I never argue.’ OK
It seemed to me that you prized the fact that they don’t fight. I bet there’s someone in your circle of friends just like that, too. Personally, I don’t get that perspective. Because if you don’t disagree at least once in a while, where is the growth? Where’s the connection? Where’s the passion? Of course, I don’t mean to say that all fighting is good, but there needs to be a little tussle or things get boring.
In fact, there’s an expression I heard somewhere that goes like this: If we both have the same thoughts, one of us is unnecessary. I count on my hubby to bring a different perspective into my life on a variety topics from politics (we regularly debate what will happen if Obama wins) to movies ( he loves foreign films while I adore period pieces) to the best way to pack (it’s never too early to start).
Conflict is scary, I know. But lots of good things can come out of it, too, like: a greater understanding of yourself or your spouse, a shared sense of accomplishment (after your resolve things), or a realization that you need help (mediators are a great tool. I may be biased about this after spending 18 years resolving disputes. Still, others agree conflict can be good. In fact, a good argument may just save your life according to this article
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Should your spouse be an agent of reality or your most loyal fan?
February 22, 2008 | 1 Comment
I don’t like being told what to do. It’s not that I’m not open to advice, I am. It’s simply that I generally know what I’m doing and I dislike being contradicted. (insert laughter here)
Happily, my husband understands that about me. He remains silent when I miss the tennis ball while we’re playing Wii. He’s learned not to kibbutz in the kitchen while I’m cooking. He’s supposed to be my biggest supporter and most loyal fan, not a critic.
But there are times when I need an objective opinion and there’s no one I trust more than him. My swubby is wise, patient and smart. His mind is analytical while mine tends to be more intuitive. I need him to be a reality-check. I learned that when I upgraded to Vista instead of taking his suggestion to remain with Windows XP (Honey, you were rrrrrrright!)
Although it’s clear that a spouse can be, and possibly should be both, which do you prefer:
Do you want a reality check or a ‘atta boy’ from your mate?
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