8 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage
June 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
What kind of things? Oh, like farting in bed can ruin the moment. Or, that disappointment and loss are companions to love. And, more. Paul and Taylee write a sweet, true blog about being hitched. I share it because it moved me. If you’re contemplating marriage, fir the first or fifth time, read the article by Yonda Gaines Caviness that offers a realistic, hopeful view of sharing one’s life. Read more
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Empty Nest: The First Real Goodbye
May 30, 2008 | 3 Comments
Today, my baby girl graduates from high school. I’m shocked. It’s cliché to say ‘where did the time go? But honest, where DID the time go?
It feels to me like she was just a baby, perched on the dishwasher door proudly grinning at her own feat of daring, last month. Now, she’s striking out on her own traveling across the country to California for Occidental. Is she ready? I think so, even though she still can’t run the dishwasher. Read more
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What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?
April 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Good question, isn’t it? And, the answer is like trying to find the prize in the Cracker Jack: it’s doable but takes work. Worse still, the answer seems to change as life or the relationship progresses. I know my ideas about being a good wife changed dramatically from my first marriage to my second. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown but I may not be the best judge of that.
Some would say that parents are the role model for marriage. That’s probably true. You either learn what to do or what to avoid. But, what if you still didn’t have a clue? Laura, a newly married reader, posed this question:
What does that mean exactly, a “good wife” or a “good husband”? I am 24 and have been married and clueless for about a year and am about to be a mother. I really want to know what exactly a good wife does.
What are the Qualities of a ‘Good’ Spouse?
The mind boggles when you consider all the different answers- well, mine does. Does it mean being a good provider or housekeeper? Being a tireless cheerleader or the agent of reality? Supporting growth or protecting from harm? The answer is very subjective. When I apply the question to other couples I know it becomes a tiny bit clearer and easier to say whether I think that person is good or bad. Of course, it’s not my place to say, but has that ever stopped anyone?
Balance
The relationships that seem to have two ‘good spouses’ are ones where the couples are a good balance- you know, they are ying and yang. I’d say that’s true of me and my sweetie. We’re opposite parts that together make a pretty nice whole. There needs to be a partnership and agreement on what’s most important to the team, I think.
Respect
Respect has to figure in there somewhere high on the list. Good spouses respect the talents, opinions and tastes of the other. That doesn’t mean like or agree. It means to understand and possibly, appreciate. This seems critical. In fact, there’s studies that suggest that contempt for spouse is a prime indicator for divorce.
Self Awareness
The more I’ve learned about myself over the years, the stronger partner I’ve become. Being able to identify and express my own needs means I can negotiate getting them met with my honey, instead of expecting him to guess or know because we’re married. A marriage license does not come with a mind reading course. Maybe maturity is another word for this.
Support
A good spouse supports the other one. While some might say that’s what love does, I’d debate that. I have a friend who left a long-time relationship with a man who she loved and who was good to her because he couldn’t or wouldn’t support her dreams to be a writer. He gave to her financially but withheld his hope and excitement from her.
This list doesn’t even scratch the surface. I’ll be thinking about it for a while longer. Why not think along? Laura would like to know, and between all of I’m sure we have some wisdom to share with her.
For you, what are the qualities for a good partner?
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Do We Expect Too Much from Marriage?
April 7, 2008 | 5 Comments
While exploring the blogesphere I came across an interesting post that pondered whether some of us might be a bit delusional about the state of our marriages.
The Myths about Marriage
The myth about marriage is that we expect to be happy and stay that way. That really resonated with me. I’m a gal with big expectations and always have been.
Traditionally speaking, middle age has been the time when couples expect to suffer from midlife crisis (men and women), higher divorce rate, and a general malaise and resignation about the future. Or, at least, that’s what I glean from reading the many forums, blogs and listservs about relationship and marriage. All that sadness and longing almost made me cry. I created ThisMarriageThing specifically so that midlife couples, like us, could expect more love, affection, commitment, connection, understanding, not less.
My Expectations
Oddly enough, I’d say my expectations of marriage have changed. Mainly, because I’ve changed- thank G-d! I’ve practically lost all my expectations about our daily life, which startles my poor swubby. What, you don’t expect me to file the laundry immediately after drying and whisk away to the drawers warm? Cool! We’re both so busy I’m happy the laundry is done and I didn’t have to do it. So, who cares if it’s cold. I don’t expect him to like everything I do, or go the places I want to go.
On the other hand, my expectations about the quality of our relationship are fairly high. I expect, nay demand, that we work on our relationship, that our life be examined and well lived. I expect us to share common goals and be honest about it when we don’t. I expect his support and caring, and I’ll admit that one has gotten me into trouble in the past. Why? Because we define those words so differently, and because as humans we want what we want, not what someone else has to give.
Where is the Love?
We had prime example of that the other evening. I was finishing a dreaded report that I’d agonized over for weeks. Now, you gotta understand I’m not a girl that wrings her hands at everything. I’m pretty unflappable, but this pushed all the wrong buttons and I freaked- twice. That’s pretty telling yet my swubby completely missed the signs. I blew up.
When we talked about it later he said generally he feels fine after he freaks out and thought I would, too. He expected me to lighten up. I was expecting him to baby me a bit more as I neared the finish line and throw in a celebration at the end. I see now that while I can hold the expectation for support, we need more talk about execution.
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What three things should every happy couple know?
February 14, 2008 | 3 Comments
It’s the million dollar question, isn’t it. Everyone wants to be part of a happy married couple. But there are an endless number of pitfalls and obstacles to overcome to be a happy couple. What’s on your short list of essential things that someone who want to end up a happy old couple should know? s
Couples are happy when they…
Marriages last because…
What would you tell your son or daughter?
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