Can Smut Save a Stalled Sex Life?
July 18, 2008 | 7 Comments
I like to think I’m as ’smut-minded’ as the next person, able to dream up a juicy fantasy to act out at will. My swubby is a handsome guy with the sweetest lips. So, generally, all he needs to do is give me ‘the look’ and it’s on!
But you know how it is when you’ve been in a committed relationship. Familiarity is not the stuff ‘hotness’ is made from. After a while, your imagination fades, or at least, mine does. Short and sweet, we got bored with each other. (Warning- what comes next is adult content)
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Discover the Hidden Secrets of Marriage
Sex Rev 2 Hooks Up With This Marriage Thing
Can a Post Nuptial Save a Marriage?
My Swubby Thinks I’m…
July 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
So, so many words to fill in that blank. Normally, he thinks I’m fab, fun, smart, cute (that’s a big one, but at my age who wants to be cute?), accomplished and beautiful. Lots of good things.
Happily, I think lots of good things about him, too. He’s fun (notice we have that in common), good looking, kind-hearted and full of integrity. Cheesy as it seems, this is a lovefest. And yet, I get cheesed when my swubby has a negative thought about me. So, I’m trying to figure it out. Today, at lunch my swubby told me he thought I was ’round’.
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Is it true that whomever makes the gold makes the rules in a marriage?
WOWOWOW.com, where are the WOC?
Are You a Love Snob?
Romantic Memoirs-the Finalists!
July 2, 2008 | 1 Comment
A great big thank you to everyone who took a moment to send in a memoir. I loved reading them all, and I hope you did too. Who expected such a range of responses? (Ok, I did but it’s still amazing to see). You probably noticed like I did that the entries kinda fell into a couple of categories. Because they were so good, I thought I’d highlight one or two from each camp before getting around to the finalist list. Drum roll, please…. Read more
Happy 4th!
How Do You Know When It’s Good
Relationship Memoir in 6 Words
What Does Your Mother-in-Law Think of You?
June 20, 2008 | Leave a Comment
It’s been a wild couple of days. My daughter graduated from high school last week so I’ve been up to my ears in preparations for her as well as hosting my Mom. Naturally, all that extra stress made me a bit sharp with my swubby. We actually had two fights in front of her. Nothing big, but we were both snapping about little things like my driving and his procrastinating. Read more
What About Marriage Frightens You?
What’s Your Biggest Question about Finding Help to Care for an Elderly Relative or Parent?
Putting ME back into Mother!
Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss
May 16, 2008 | 4 Comments
Curious sort that I am, I can’t resist asking provocative questions when I meet new people. It’s a great way to break the ice and sometimes I get more to think about than I bargained for. I was attending a Ladies Who Launch event when I met a trio of new moms where were considering starting a new business. They weren’t quite Yoomers yet but I was wanted to know their take on marriage. So I asked: what does it take to have a happy marriage?
The Greek Chorus
Well, the answer came simultaneously from all three: Compromise!
That’s an answer I’m well familiar with. Compromise is one of the five conflict styles that we can employ to resolve conflict. The five styles are: Avoid, Compete, Compromise, Accommodate and Collaborate.
Folks who know and use all five styles interchangeably tend to be the most successful in resolving disputes in a productive, satisfying way at work or at home. That’s because each situation calls for an evaluation of the circumstances, the other person and what will work best. So, if you’re out late at night and a robber says give me your wallet, that is NOT the time to compromise- how about I give you the cash and keep the credit cards?
The Good Side of Compromise
I can see why so many advice columns, therapists and long-married folks tout compromise as a god-send in marriage. It is. Compromising allows you as a couple ti:
- negotiate to get your needs met
- reduce disputes
- make deposits in your ‘good will’ bank
- identify common interests and explore new ones
- move forward instead of being stuck in an argument
- feel like a team
Generally speaking, compromise in relationships is a good thing, to paraphrase Martha Stewart. People who compromise report being better liked and happier. But is that the entire truth?
The Dark Side of Compromise
Like with most things, there’s a flip side. Have you ever thought about the cons of compromise? Most people haven’t. I’m willing to bet that many long-married folks have a thought or ten about the dark side, though. Maybe you’ll comment and enlighten us all. (see the Leave a Comment link next to the date above).
Compromises means getting some, but not all of what you want or need. Always being ready to compromise may mean that you:
- repeatedly put the needs/interest of your spouse over yours
- experience resentment or hurt
- aren’t known
- don’t get your interests/needs met at all or until far in the future
- feel like a doormat
If you see yourself in this list you may want to think about whether you use compromise as a cop-out, a way to avoid having a deeper conversation with your mate.
It’s a Choice
Recognizing that I have a choice on how to handle things with my swubby has done wonders for my self-esteem and our marriage. Compromise is not my default position now as it was in my first marriage (although he often says he’d like a bit more). I’m much more likely to accommodate my DH with a clear understanding that I expect the same or simply compete. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to bully him. It only means I’m a lot clearer about who I am and how I want to live my life.
Let me know what you think…
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:When Is It Time to Pack It In?
Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?
What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?
April 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Good question, isn’t it? And, the answer is like trying to find the prize in the Cracker Jack: it’s doable but takes work. Worse still, the answer seems to change as life or the relationship progresses. I know my ideas about being a good wife changed dramatically from my first marriage to my second. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown but I may not be the best judge of that.
Some would say that parents are the role model for marriage. That’s probably true. You either learn what to do or what to avoid. But, what if you still didn’t have a clue? Laura, a newly married reader, posed this question:
What does that mean exactly, a “good wife” or a “good husband”? I am 24 and have been married and clueless for about a year and am about to be a mother. I really want to know what exactly a good wife does.
What are the Qualities of a ‘Good’ Spouse?
The mind boggles when you consider all the different answers- well, mine does. Does it mean being a good provider or housekeeper? Being a tireless cheerleader or the agent of reality? Supporting growth or protecting from harm? The answer is very subjective. When I apply the question to other couples I know it becomes a tiny bit clearer and easier to say whether I think that person is good or bad. Of course, it’s not my place to say, but has that ever stopped anyone?
Balance
The relationships that seem to have two ‘good spouses’ are ones where the couples are a good balance- you know, they are ying and yang. I’d say that’s true of me and my sweetie. We’re opposite parts that together make a pretty nice whole. There needs to be a partnership and agreement on what’s most important to the team, I think.
Respect
Respect has to figure in there somewhere high on the list. Good spouses respect the talents, opinions and tastes of the other. That doesn’t mean like or agree. It means to understand and possibly, appreciate. This seems critical. In fact, there’s studies that suggest that contempt for spouse is a prime indicator for divorce.
Self Awareness
The more I’ve learned about myself over the years, the stronger partner I’ve become. Being able to identify and express my own needs means I can negotiate getting them met with my honey, instead of expecting him to guess or know because we’re married. A marriage license does not come with a mind reading course. Maybe maturity is another word for this.
Support
A good spouse supports the other one. While some might say that’s what love does, I’d debate that. I have a friend who left a long-time relationship with a man who she loved and who was good to her because he couldn’t or wouldn’t support her dreams to be a writer. He gave to her financially but withheld his hope and excitement from her.
This list doesn’t even scratch the surface. I’ll be thinking about it for a while longer. Why not think along? Laura would like to know, and between all of I’m sure we have some wisdom to share with her.
For you, what are the qualities for a good partner?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:If you knew on your wedding day what you know now about your spouse, would you have gotten married?
Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
Which is Harder: Getting or Keeping a Spouse?
When Was the Last Time You Thanked Your Spouse?
March 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment
This morning we got into a bit of a tiff over whether Handsome Son needs to clean his room more. It was a small storm but there was some residual tension in the air while we both did chores in the kitchen. I’m a big fan of Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret. So I decided to think hard about feeling grateful. I intended to be grateful for my guy, who is typically pretty wonderful. It may seem like nonsense but I think there’s something powerful there. Decide for yourself- visit her site
To further that intention, I started saying thank you to him. Thanks for folding the laundry. Thanks for taking it upstairs. Thanks for reminding not to burn my breakfast because I’m too engrossed in the newspaper. He ignored me at first, then slowly things changed. In no time we were back to normal. It worked!
There’s something about the energy or vibration of gratitude that works wonders on our hearts, don’t you think? Well, so does Dr. Robert Emmons who did study that linked gratitude and well-being. Turns out we’re more attentive, alert, and dare I say it- happy- when we realize our blessings.
I’m sure I could be more appreciative in my words (actions, I do fine). I was doing great then I forgot. It’s easy to do -what with kids, work… Yet, it’s the small moments that are the ‘glue’ that holds couples together. For those of you who want to know how to use gratitude to mend your relationship check out this article.
Have you said thank you lately to your sweetheart?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:What has traveling with your spouse taught you about yourself?
If you knew on your wedding day what you know now about your spouse, would you have gotten married?
Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
Would You Marry Again if Widowed?
March 26, 2008 | 2 Comments
Interesting question because I have so many different role models to choose from. My father-in-law, Herb, hasn’t let death or divorce keep him from being married, his natural state. My mom, on the other hand, wouldn’t take vows again for a million dollars. She says she’s done caring for men.
Karma Kitja posted a terrific question on her blog: Women Only: Who Wants Committment? I couldn’t resist asking the same question here. There’s a lot wrapped up into it.
Marrying a Third Time
I don’t think I’d marry again. It would be hard to top what I have now. Besides, learning a whole new person- their likes, dislikes, attitudes and moods sound more like work than fun. But I do think I’d want companionship for dinner and travel. And, that doesn’t have to come attached to a penis.
Ladies, would you marry again in your bonus years?
Guys, feel free to answer, too. I’m betting more men say yes.
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Happy Loving Day!
Is Marriage An Incurable Virus?
How About Renewing Your Marriage License just like your car registration?
Should your spouse be an agent of reality or your most loyal fan?
February 22, 2008 | 1 Comment
I don’t like being told what to do. It’s not that I’m not open to advice, I am. It’s simply that I generally know what I’m doing and I dislike being contradicted. (insert laughter here)
Happily, my husband understands that about me. He remains silent when I miss the tennis ball while we’re playing Wii. He’s learned not to kibbutz in the kitchen while I’m cooking. He’s supposed to be my biggest supporter and most loyal fan, not a critic.
But there are times when I need an objective opinion and there’s no one I trust more than him. My swubby is wise, patient and smart. His mind is analytical while mine tends to be more intuitive. I need him to be a reality-check. I learned that when I upgraded to Vista instead of taking his suggestion to remain with Windows XP (Honey, you were rrrrrrright!)
Although it’s clear that a spouse can be, and possibly should be both, which do you prefer:
Do you want a reality check or a ‘atta boy’ from your mate?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?
Would You Change Your Entire Life if your Spouse Wanted To?
If you knew on your wedding day what you know now about your spouse, would you have gotten married?