Empty Nest: The First Real Goodbye
May 30, 2008 | 3 Comments
Today, my baby girl graduates from high school. I’m shocked. It’s cliché to say ‘where did the time go? But honest, where DID the time go?
It feels to me like she was just a baby, perched on the dishwasher door proudly grinning at her own feat of daring, last month. Now, she’s striking out on her own traveling across the country to California for Occidental. Is she ready? I think so, even though she still can’t run the dishwasher. Read more
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May 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment
My big day has passed. It seems strange that moms who dole out love and attention 365 days a year just get a single day to be recognized. But that’s another post… Right now, I’m wondering if you ever stop being a mom. My kiddos are nearing young adulthood. Miss Thang leaves for Occidental in August and Handsome isn’t too far behind.
I Hate You But Could You Pick up some Coke?
We’ll all in this very odd space. They don’t really need me anymore. Most of what they ask me for is simply out of habit–can you pick up some cola, drop off my clothes, get some band-aids– they are capable of doing any of this for themselves. And, yet they still ask. (No, my kids never said that but it made a catchy title)
At the same time, they want me to let go. Stop telling me–how to live, what to wear, who to be friend with– they feel their independence and express it, sometimes with little regard to my feelings. I’ve been preparing for this moment for years. And yet, I’m still not ready.
How Did You Do It?
How can I go from Supreme Commander of our household to a rank private and like it? How do I go from CEO calling the shots to a consultant making proposals. That’s what I feel like now. I propose ideas, solutions, advice that they disregard at will, sometimes at their peril.
Somebody out there has answers. Speak up, will ya?
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Putting ME back into Mother!
May 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I’m a cook, housekeeper, nurse, guidance counselor, chauffeur, bank, advice columnist, fashion consultant, delivery service, calendar and reminder system, personal shopper, masseuse, laundress, tutor, and cheerleader. I do more by 9 a.m. than most people do all day. I’m a Mom.
The Never-ending List
Every mom I know has a list. It’s a never-ending list of things that either need to be done now, shortly or should’ve been done already. It’s all-consuming because no matter how many things get crossed off- and I do a good job of making a big dent each day- it never, ever gets completely done. Am I wrong, Moms?
Caregiving, my friends, is the primary work of Mom’s world-wide. In fact, I’m thinking the word should become care-taking since families take time, energy, love, attention, devotion, even at the moments we don’t actually have any to give. Ever try to tell a four year old that Mommy was up all night with little brother so she can’t play hide-and-seek until after she’s had her nap? It doesn’t work? But us, Moms, manage because we are a very capable bunch. We take care of everyone, except ourselves.
Was that in the Manual?
Along with recipes and household tips, our mothers passed down the Manual for family-rearing. I say families instead of just kids because, well, isn’t your hubby a big kid sometimes, too? What I learned as the cardinal rule from my mom, Mary, is that Moms sacrifice.
Whatever needs to get done, whatever has to be brought on the long,long list , you do it with a smile. I thought of my mom as a superwoman for a long time. She was the strongest woman I knew figuratively and literally (I watched her do tons of laundry in our bathtub and hang it by hand because we didn’t get have a washer/dryer until I was a teen.) She made it all look stunningly easy, like there was never a moment of indecision or resentment. Of course, once I had my rugrats, Handsome and Miss Thang, I discovered like Dorothy that there was no wizard, just a tired, loving woman who put on a awesome show.
Putting the ME back in Mother
I was a dutiful daughter who turned into a manual-toting mom. Oy, the stories I could tell. I don’t think my kids will truly get how much of my life has been devoted to them until they have kids of their own. Don’t get me wrong- I love them to pieces and beyond. I simply recognize that it’s been a long, crazy trip to quote the Grateful Dead.
Round about the time I hit forty the trip came to an abrupt halt. I woke up one day thinking: what about ME?!
Now, I’m all about reinventing myself as an interesting, stylish person who also happens to be a mom. (This doesn’t mean moms aren’t that already- I just wasn’t one of them). Part of the process is re-discovering what makes me happy. And, the quick answer to that is girlfriends!
My Circle of Friends
I have the best girlfriends in the world. I adore them. Yesterday I had the pleasure of chatting with my college roomie, Kat, catching up on the goings-on in her family. She’s a real touchstone for me, and I hope I’m the same for her. She knows me. I can’t stress the comfort and value that has for me. Talking with her brings me back immediately to a time when I was my most fearless self. I can’t fool her even when I’m doing a good job of fooling myself. I love her tremendously and look forward to having her by my side for years to come. And, I mean that literally.
Girlfriend Getaways Magazine
When our firstborns were babies we took a joint family vacation that still ranks among the best. We took a cottage on the beach in Sandwich, Ma. Our days were spent building sandcastles with Miss Thang and her Joshie then putting warm, sandy babies to bed before joining our husbands for lazy dinners filled with many cocktails. Such fond memories.
Now, that our kids are almost out the nest, I’m trying to convince her and her hubby, Dr. Nice to go away again. Both our hubbies are very busy so that might take a while and some arm twisting. Meanwhile, I’m planning to hijack Kat for a girls weekend in NYC. There’s even a new magazine and TV program to help us plan- Girlfriend Getaways.
What a great mag! Filled with terrific ideas for getting away like spa weekends and beach vacation. There are also useful practical tips ( like wait to the last day to get that facial). Honestly, it put my imagination on overdrive. I’m thinking we can do a cooking class together. Best of all, they stress that it the time spent with friends is more important than where you go or what you do. If you haven’t hooked up with your gal pals in a while it’s probably time to put the ME back into mother.
(Pssst- Hubbys, steal this idea if you’re stuck for a gift. Spoil Me Spa, based in Simsbury,Connecticut, touts itself as a ‘mobile spa- your place, your pace’. I recently met the owner, Ellen, who takes her pampering seriously. Maybe you can arrange one for your honey? You can thank me later)
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Which Comes First: Relationship or the kids?
February 13, 2008 | 4 Comments
My first marriage was all about the kids. Our relationship died and today we connect ONLY around kid issues, and not too often at that. Second time around, I’m squarely focused on making the relationship not only work, but sing. Although I haven’t said that directly to the kids, somehow they seem to know and respect that.
That desire to see our marriage as a ‘work in progress’, to actively seek the input of others, and continually ask the hard questions led me to create my new blog, www.thismarriagething.com. I may be wrong, but I think everyone can benefit from talking about this complex, evolving thing called marriage.
So, where do you put your faith, time and energies: your spouse or kids?
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