8 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage
June 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
What kind of things? Oh, like farting in bed can ruin the moment. Or, that disappointment and loss are companions to love. And, more. Paul and Taylee write a sweet, true blog about being hitched. I share it because it moved me. If you’re contemplating marriage, fir the first or fifth time, read the article by Yonda Gaines Caviness that offers a realistic, hopeful view of sharing one’s life. Read more
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Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss
May 16, 2008 | 4 Comments
Curious sort that I am, I can’t resist asking provocative questions when I meet new people. It’s a great way to break the ice and sometimes I get more to think about than I bargained for. I was attending a Ladies Who Launch event when I met a trio of new moms where were considering starting a new business. They weren’t quite Yoomers yet but I was wanted to know their take on marriage. So I asked: what does it take to have a happy marriage?
The Greek Chorus
Well, the answer came simultaneously from all three: Compromise!
That’s an answer I’m well familiar with. Compromise is one of the five conflict styles that we can employ to resolve conflict. The five styles are: Avoid, Compete, Compromise, Accommodate and Collaborate.
Folks who know and use all five styles interchangeably tend to be the most successful in resolving disputes in a productive, satisfying way at work or at home. That’s because each situation calls for an evaluation of the circumstances, the other person and what will work best. So, if you’re out late at night and a robber says give me your wallet, that is NOT the time to compromise- how about I give you the cash and keep the credit cards?
The Good Side of Compromise
I can see why so many advice columns, therapists and long-married folks tout compromise as a god-send in marriage. It is. Compromising allows you as a couple ti:
- negotiate to get your needs met
- reduce disputes
- make deposits in your ‘good will’ bank
- identify common interests and explore new ones
- move forward instead of being stuck in an argument
- feel like a team
Generally speaking, compromise in relationships is a good thing, to paraphrase Martha Stewart. People who compromise report being better liked and happier. But is that the entire truth?
The Dark Side of Compromise
Like with most things, there’s a flip side. Have you ever thought about the cons of compromise? Most people haven’t. I’m willing to bet that many long-married folks have a thought or ten about the dark side, though. Maybe you’ll comment and enlighten us all. (see the Leave a Comment link next to the date above).
Compromises means getting some, but not all of what you want or need. Always being ready to compromise may mean that you:
- repeatedly put the needs/interest of your spouse over yours
- experience resentment or hurt
- aren’t known
- don’t get your interests/needs met at all or until far in the future
- feel like a doormat
If you see yourself in this list you may want to think about whether you use compromise as a cop-out, a way to avoid having a deeper conversation with your mate.
It’s a Choice
Recognizing that I have a choice on how to handle things with my swubby has done wonders for my self-esteem and our marriage. Compromise is not my default position now as it was in my first marriage (although he often says he’d like a bit more). I’m much more likely to accommodate my DH with a clear understanding that I expect the same or simply compete. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to bully him. It only means I’m a lot clearer about who I am and how I want to live my life.
Let me know what you think…
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How Do You Stop Being Mom?
May 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment
My big day has passed. It seems strange that moms who dole out love and attention 365 days a year just get a single day to be recognized. But that’s another post… Right now, I’m wondering if you ever stop being a mom. My kiddos are nearing young adulthood. Miss Thang leaves for Occidental in August and Handsome isn’t too far behind.
I Hate You But Could You Pick up some Coke?
We’ll all in this very odd space. They don’t really need me anymore. Most of what they ask me for is simply out of habit–can you pick up some cola, drop off my clothes, get some band-aids– they are capable of doing any of this for themselves. And, yet they still ask. (No, my kids never said that but it made a catchy title)
At the same time, they want me to let go. Stop telling me–how to live, what to wear, who to be friend with– they feel their independence and express it, sometimes with little regard to my feelings. I’ve been preparing for this moment for years. And yet, I’m still not ready.
How Did You Do It?
How can I go from Supreme Commander of our household to a rank private and like it? How do I go from CEO calling the shots to a consultant making proposals. That’s what I feel like now. I propose ideas, solutions, advice that they disregard at will, sometimes at their peril.
Somebody out there has answers. Speak up, will ya?
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Putting ME back into Mother!
May 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I’m a cook, housekeeper, nurse, guidance counselor, chauffeur, bank, advice columnist, fashion consultant, delivery service, calendar and reminder system, personal shopper, masseuse, laundress, tutor, and cheerleader. I do more by 9 a.m. than most people do all day. I’m a Mom.
The Never-ending List
Every mom I know has a list. It’s a never-ending list of things that either need to be done now, shortly or should’ve been done already. It’s all-consuming because no matter how many things get crossed off- and I do a good job of making a big dent each day- it never, ever gets completely done. Am I wrong, Moms?
Caregiving, my friends, is the primary work of Mom’s world-wide. In fact, I’m thinking the word should become care-taking since families take time, energy, love, attention, devotion, even at the moments we don’t actually have any to give. Ever try to tell a four year old that Mommy was up all night with little brother so she can’t play hide-and-seek until after she’s had her nap? It doesn’t work? But us, Moms, manage because we are a very capable bunch. We take care of everyone, except ourselves.
Was that in the Manual?
Along with recipes and household tips, our mothers passed down the Manual for family-rearing. I say families instead of just kids because, well, isn’t your hubby a big kid sometimes, too? What I learned as the cardinal rule from my mom, Mary, is that Moms sacrifice.
Whatever needs to get done, whatever has to be brought on the long,long list , you do it with a smile. I thought of my mom as a superwoman for a long time. She was the strongest woman I knew figuratively and literally (I watched her do tons of laundry in our bathtub and hang it by hand because we didn’t get have a washer/dryer until I was a teen.) She made it all look stunningly easy, like there was never a moment of indecision or resentment. Of course, once I had my rugrats, Handsome and Miss Thang, I discovered like Dorothy that there was no wizard, just a tired, loving woman who put on a awesome show.
Putting the ME back in Mother
I was a dutiful daughter who turned into a manual-toting mom. Oy, the stories I could tell. I don’t think my kids will truly get how much of my life has been devoted to them until they have kids of their own. Don’t get me wrong- I love them to pieces and beyond. I simply recognize that it’s been a long, crazy trip to quote the Grateful Dead.
Round about the time I hit forty the trip came to an abrupt halt. I woke up one day thinking: what about ME?!
Now, I’m all about reinventing myself as an interesting, stylish person who also happens to be a mom. (This doesn’t mean moms aren’t that already- I just wasn’t one of them). Part of the process is re-discovering what makes me happy. And, the quick answer to that is girlfriends!
My Circle of Friends
I have the best girlfriends in the world. I adore them. Yesterday I had the pleasure of chatting with my college roomie, Kat, catching up on the goings-on in her family. She’s a real touchstone for me, and I hope I’m the same for her. She knows me. I can’t stress the comfort and value that has for me. Talking with her brings me back immediately to a time when I was my most fearless self. I can’t fool her even when I’m doing a good job of fooling myself. I love her tremendously and look forward to having her by my side for years to come. And, I mean that literally.
Girlfriend Getaways Magazine
When our firstborns were babies we took a joint family vacation that still ranks among the best. We took a cottage on the beach in Sandwich, Ma. Our days were spent building sandcastles with Miss Thang and her Joshie then putting warm, sandy babies to bed before joining our husbands for lazy dinners filled with many cocktails. Such fond memories.
Now, that our kids are almost out the nest, I’m trying to convince her and her hubby, Dr. Nice to go away again. Both our hubbies are very busy so that might take a while and some arm twisting. Meanwhile, I’m planning to hijack Kat for a girls weekend in NYC. There’s even a new magazine and TV program to help us plan- Girlfriend Getaways.
What a great mag! Filled with terrific ideas for getting away like spa weekends and beach vacation. There are also useful practical tips ( like wait to the last day to get that facial). Honestly, it put my imagination on overdrive. I’m thinking we can do a cooking class together. Best of all, they stress that it the time spent with friends is more important than where you go or what you do. If you haven’t hooked up with your gal pals in a while it’s probably time to put the ME back into mother.
(Pssst- Hubbys, steal this idea if you’re stuck for a gift. Spoil Me Spa, based in Simsbury,Connecticut, touts itself as a ‘mobile spa- your place, your pace’. I recently met the owner, Ellen, who takes her pampering seriously. Maybe you can arrange one for your honey? You can thank me later)
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