Sex Rev 2 Hooks Up With This Marriage Thing
September 1, 2008 | Leave a Comment
First, Guy Kawasaki and the Alltops gang call us sexy. Then, the adult film stars, Matt and Kym, send us some love. Now, Regia Lynn says we’re nice. What must my mother be thinking?
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Can Smut Save a Stalled Sex Life?
July 18, 2008 | 7 Comments
I like to think I’m as ’smut-minded’ as the next person, able to dream up a juicy fantasy to act out at will. My swubby is a handsome guy with the sweetest lips. So, generally, all he needs to do is give me ‘the look’ and it’s on!
But you know how it is when you’ve been in a committed relationship. Familiarity is not the stuff ‘hotness’ is made from. After a while, your imagination fades, or at least, mine does. Short and sweet, we got bored with each other. (Warning- what comes next is adult content)
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Sex Rev 2 Hooks Up With This Marriage Thing
Can a Post Nuptial Save a Marriage?
Can a Post Nuptial Save a Marriage?
July 11, 2008 | 2 Comments
I met up with my friend, Vyctoria, at a Ladies Who Launch networking event last night. While catching up I casually asked her to name today’s topic. Vyctoria is an uber-organized blond who runs a luxury personal concierge business- you know, lifestyle management. She’ll take care of any thing so long as it’s legal.
She has a really sharp mind. Leave it to her to be so clever as to ask why do married folks always want single folks to get married. I admit I was stumped on that one (so it might actually turn up as a post before too long). Anyway, she suggested a post on doing a credit check on your spouse. Then, things got interesting.
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My Swubby Thinks I’m…
July 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment
So, so many words to fill in that blank. Normally, he thinks I’m fab, fun, smart, cute (that’s a big one, but at my age who wants to be cute?), accomplished and beautiful. Lots of good things.
Happily, I think lots of good things about him, too. He’s fun (notice we have that in common), good looking, kind-hearted and full of integrity. Cheesy as it seems, this is a lovefest. And yet, I get cheesed when my swubby has a negative thought about me. So, I’m trying to figure it out. Today, at lunch my swubby told me he thought I was ’round’.
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Romantic Memoirs-the Finalists!
July 2, 2008 | 1 Comment
A great big thank you to everyone who took a moment to send in a memoir. I loved reading them all, and I hope you did too. Who expected such a range of responses? (Ok, I did but it’s still amazing to see). You probably noticed like I did that the entries kinda fell into a couple of categories. Because they were so good, I thought I’d highlight one or two from each camp before getting around to the finalist list. Drum roll, please…. Read more
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Are You a Love Snob?
June 11, 2008 | 2 Comments
Lunching at a local Italian restaurant with my friend, Meryl, I could tell she had more on her mind than how to get dessert and stay on her diet. I love Meryl because she is a bundle of energy wrapped in skin. When she sets her mind to something, whether is righting a wrong or getting a good deal, it gets done. Case closed. When she’s happy you know it, and when she’s not, you wanna be in another state. I could tell from her lovely face, typically so animated, that she was upset. Read more
Happy Loving Day!
How Do You Know When It’s Good
Forgive, of course. Forget…uh, never.
Compromising: Cop Out or Marital Bliss
May 16, 2008 | 4 Comments
Curious sort that I am, I can’t resist asking provocative questions when I meet new people. It’s a great way to break the ice and sometimes I get more to think about than I bargained for. I was attending a Ladies Who Launch event when I met a trio of new moms where were considering starting a new business. They weren’t quite Yoomers yet but I was wanted to know their take on marriage. So I asked: what does it take to have a happy marriage?
The Greek Chorus
Well, the answer came simultaneously from all three: Compromise!
That’s an answer I’m well familiar with. Compromise is one of the five conflict styles that we can employ to resolve conflict. The five styles are: Avoid, Compete, Compromise, Accommodate and Collaborate.
Folks who know and use all five styles interchangeably tend to be the most successful in resolving disputes in a productive, satisfying way at work or at home. That’s because each situation calls for an evaluation of the circumstances, the other person and what will work best. So, if you’re out late at night and a robber says give me your wallet, that is NOT the time to compromise- how about I give you the cash and keep the credit cards?
The Good Side of Compromise
I can see why so many advice columns, therapists and long-married folks tout compromise as a god-send in marriage. It is. Compromising allows you as a couple ti:
- negotiate to get your needs met
- reduce disputes
- make deposits in your ‘good will’ bank
- identify common interests and explore new ones
- move forward instead of being stuck in an argument
- feel like a team
Generally speaking, compromise in relationships is a good thing, to paraphrase Martha Stewart. People who compromise report being better liked and happier. But is that the entire truth?
The Dark Side of Compromise
Like with most things, there’s a flip side. Have you ever thought about the cons of compromise? Most people haven’t. I’m willing to bet that many long-married folks have a thought or ten about the dark side, though. Maybe you’ll comment and enlighten us all. (see the Leave a Comment link next to the date above).
Compromises means getting some, but not all of what you want or need. Always being ready to compromise may mean that you:
- repeatedly put the needs/interest of your spouse over yours
- experience resentment or hurt
- aren’t known
- don’t get your interests/needs met at all or until far in the future
- feel like a doormat
If you see yourself in this list you may want to think about whether you use compromise as a cop-out, a way to avoid having a deeper conversation with your mate.
It’s a Choice
Recognizing that I have a choice on how to handle things with my swubby has done wonders for my self-esteem and our marriage. Compromise is not my default position now as it was in my first marriage (although he often says he’d like a bit more). I’m much more likely to accommodate my DH with a clear understanding that I expect the same or simply compete. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to bully him. It only means I’m a lot clearer about who I am and how I want to live my life.
Let me know what you think…
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Bedtime Stories for Grown Ups
April 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I raved about the new Stephen King novel in a previous post and promised two more posts on related topics. Here’s the second of three , which I hope will give everyone time to get Duma Key: A Novel
The Magic of Storytelling
There once was a brother and sister who did everything together. They played together. They went to school together. But, the best thing the did together was have adventures.
Handsome, Miss Thang and I recited those words to start our nightly ritual of co-creating a bedtime story for many years as they were growing up.
Oh, the adventures we had with the magical rabbit who jumped down through their closet into a hollow of a tree trunk, transporting all of us to all kinds of new places with wonderful new powers. (As I recall being invisible was a big favorite.) They remember the stories fondly and so do I.
Those simple, silly stories allowed us to share our feelings, hopes and fears and connect with each other. There’s a lovely intimacy that’s born from sitting in the dark letting thoughts and feelings float overhead in the air. Storytelling is one of the oldest and most powerful forms of communication known to man. And, it’s not just for children.
Making up your own Make-Believe
Why not take co-creating to a new level? Create your own bedtime stories with your sweetie. Sometimes I can convince my honey to ’speak a story’ with me. He’s a musician- yeah vibes!- not a wordsmith so it feels awkward for him to spin a yarn. But he tries. We’ve both been surprised by where our collective imagination takes us and tells us about the other one. Honestly, I love to hear our thoughts intertwine, however, what’s more likely to happen is that he reads to me.
His deep, sonorous voice is a great source of comfort for me. It keeps my regular insomnia at bay. There’s nothing better than snuggling under the covers with my eye patch listening to his voice and making my own pictures in my head. Maybe I like it so much because it’s a form of caregiving. Whatever the reason, I highly recommend that you and your honey give it a try. I can almost guarantee a good result. (your mileage may vary)
A Word or Two about Book Selection
Difficult as it may be, try to find a book you’ll both enjoy. Also, make sure the book is not too exciting, if you know what I mean. We tried reading mysteries, which was a big mistake because I rarely wanted to stop. Not good for calming down to go to sleep.
If your goal is a bit more romantic excitement, I’ve got just the books for you. Anne Rice wrote a very sensuous series of books that turn the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale on its, well, bottom. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty
When you’re done with these there’s bound to be sweet dreams!
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What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?
April 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Good question, isn’t it? And, the answer is like trying to find the prize in the Cracker Jack: it’s doable but takes work. Worse still, the answer seems to change as life or the relationship progresses. I know my ideas about being a good wife changed dramatically from my first marriage to my second. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown but I may not be the best judge of that.
Some would say that parents are the role model for marriage. That’s probably true. You either learn what to do or what to avoid. But, what if you still didn’t have a clue? Laura, a newly married reader, posed this question:
What does that mean exactly, a “good wife” or a “good husband”? I am 24 and have been married and clueless for about a year and am about to be a mother. I really want to know what exactly a good wife does.
What are the Qualities of a ‘Good’ Spouse?
The mind boggles when you consider all the different answers- well, mine does. Does it mean being a good provider or housekeeper? Being a tireless cheerleader or the agent of reality? Supporting growth or protecting from harm? The answer is very subjective. When I apply the question to other couples I know it becomes a tiny bit clearer and easier to say whether I think that person is good or bad. Of course, it’s not my place to say, but has that ever stopped anyone?
Balance
The relationships that seem to have two ‘good spouses’ are ones where the couples are a good balance- you know, they are ying and yang. I’d say that’s true of me and my sweetie. We’re opposite parts that together make a pretty nice whole. There needs to be a partnership and agreement on what’s most important to the team, I think.
Respect
Respect has to figure in there somewhere high on the list. Good spouses respect the talents, opinions and tastes of the other. That doesn’t mean like or agree. It means to understand and possibly, appreciate. This seems critical. In fact, there’s studies that suggest that contempt for spouse is a prime indicator for divorce.
Self Awareness
The more I’ve learned about myself over the years, the stronger partner I’ve become. Being able to identify and express my own needs means I can negotiate getting them met with my honey, instead of expecting him to guess or know because we’re married. A marriage license does not come with a mind reading course. Maybe maturity is another word for this.
Support
A good spouse supports the other one. While some might say that’s what love does, I’d debate that. I have a friend who left a long-time relationship with a man who she loved and who was good to her because he couldn’t or wouldn’t support her dreams to be a writer. He gave to her financially but withheld his hope and excitement from her.
This list doesn’t even scratch the surface. I’ll be thinking about it for a while longer. Why not think along? Laura would like to know, and between all of I’m sure we have some wisdom to share with her.
For you, what are the qualities for a good partner?
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Are you OK with your spouse having very close friends of the opposite sex?
April 16, 2008 | 1 Comment
This question came up at a brunch we threw. Lubricated with cocktails and plenty of yummy breakfast foods, we whiled away the afternoon talking about all sorts of stuff from going to a nude beach with your parent (avoid if possible) to whether or not we could eat fois gras and be guilt free (sadly, no).
The answers to question threw me for a loop. My friend, Curlytop, said as a married woman she’s only comfortable with having casual, work-related male friends. And a limited amount of those, too. In fact, this Gen X friend wouldn’t feel right hanging with a man friend for a few hours on Saturday.Clearly, for her, emotional closeness would be cheating.
Me, I kinda feel the same way. I so value the closeness and intimacy I have with my hubby. I’m torn between two ideas. The trials we’ve survived in 2 short years of marriage make our pretty close. There isn’t a good reason for either of us to mess with that. I’m the one my swubby should share his deep thoughts with.
On the other hand…
I’m old enough to know that one person can’t be everything for or to another. I’m not the die-hard jazz fan he’d like so I understand when he goes with bandmates. And, I’m sure the conversation covers areas no female is meant to hear. I know they help and support him in ways I can’t.
So, I punt. It really depends on what, when and who because…you just never know what you can survive for love.
Is it cheating if your honey is emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex?
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