What does it take to be a ‘good spouse’?

April 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Image credit: Studiovision Good question, isn’t it? And, the answer is like trying to find the prize in the Cracker Jack: it’s doable but takes work. Worse still, the answer seems to change as life or the relationship progresses. I know my ideas about being a good wife changed dramatically from my first marriage to my second. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve grown but I may not be the best judge of that.
Some would say that parents are the role model for marriage. That’s probably true. You either learn what to do or what to avoid. But, what if you still didn’t have a clue? Laura, a newly married reader, posed this question:

What does that mean exactly, a “good wife” or a “good husband”? I am 24 and have been married and clueless for about a year and am about to be a mother. I really want to know what exactly a good wife does.

What are the Qualities of a ‘Good’ Spouse?

The mind boggles when you consider all the different answers- well, mine does. Does it mean being a good provider or housekeeper? Being a tireless cheerleader or the agent of reality? Supporting growth or protecting from harm? The answer is very subjective. When I apply the question to other couples I know it becomes a tiny bit clearer and easier to say whether I think that person is good or bad. Of course, it’s not my place to say, but has that ever stopped anyone?

Balance

The relationships that seem to have two ‘good spouses’ are ones where the couples are a good balance- you know, they are ying and yang. I’d say that’s true of me and my sweetie. We’re opposite parts that together make a pretty nice whole. There needs to be a partnership and agreement on what’s most important to the team, I think.

Respect

Respect has to figure in there somewhere high on the list. Good spouses respect the talents, opinions and tastes of the other. That doesn’t mean like or agree. It means to understand and possibly, appreciate. This seems critical. In fact, there’s studies that suggest that contempt for spouse is a prime indicator for divorce.

Self Awareness

The more I’ve learned about myself over the years, the stronger partner I’ve become. Being able to identify and express my own needs means I can negotiate getting them met with my honey, instead of expecting him to guess or know because we’re married. A marriage license does not come with a mind reading course. Maybe maturity is another word for this.

Support

A good spouse supports the other one. While some might say that’s what love does, I’d debate that. I have a friend who left a long-time relationship with a man who she loved and who was good to her because he couldn’t or wouldn’t support her dreams to be a writer. He gave to her financially but withheld his hope and excitement from her.

This list doesn’t even scratch the surface. I’ll be thinking about it for a while longer. Why not think along? Laura would like to know, and between all of I’m sure we have some wisdom to share with her.

For you, what are the qualities for a good partner?

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Are you OK with your spouse having very close friends of the opposite sex?

April 16, 2008 | 1 Comment

Image credit: Chris SchmidtThis question came up at a brunch we threw. Lubricated with cocktails and plenty of yummy breakfast foods, we whiled away the afternoon talking about all sorts of stuff from going to a nude beach with your parent (avoid if possible) to whether or not we could eat fois gras and be guilt free (sadly, no).

The answers to question threw me for a loop. My friend, Curlytop, said as a married woman she’s only comfortable with having casual, work-related male friends. And a limited amount of those, too. In fact, this Gen X friend wouldn’t feel right hanging with a man friend for a few hours on Saturday.Clearly, for her, emotional closeness would be cheating.

Me, I kinda feel the same way. I so value the closeness and intimacy I have with my hubby. I’m torn between two ideas. The trials we’ve survived in 2 short years of marriage make our pretty close. There isn’t a good reason for either of us to mess with that. I’m the one my swubby should share his deep thoughts with.

On the other hand…

I’m old enough to know that one person can’t be everything for or to another. I’m not the die-hard jazz fan he’d like so I understand when he goes with bandmates. And, I’m sure the conversation covers areas no female is meant to hear. I know they help and support him in ways I can’t.

So, I punt. It really depends on what, when and who because…you just never know what you can survive for love.

Is it cheating if your honey is emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex?

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Is It Rude to Have Sex at a B&B?

April 12, 2008 | 2 Comments

Image credit: Jon Schulte

Ok, that’s a little personal, I know. But, I’m curious. This whole thing got started when I read a recent article in the Boston Globe about hotel sex being better than at home. The author theorized that people love having hotel sex because hotels were probably the only place to get privacy, away from parents or roommates, during those early heady years of a relationship.

Hotel Sex

Thinking back to my first boyfriend in college (my first boyfriend ever, really), we did enjoy the freedom and excitement of being anonymous and, thereby unaccountable for strange, uh, noises and bumps that escaped the hotel walls. Heck, sex was so new everything about it was thrilling. Ahhh, back in the day…

Vacation Sex

Now that we have all the privacy we want the kicks of hotel sex have largely worn off. Although since we tend to rent houses instead of staying in box hotels, the right setting can really pay off. On our very first vacation we traveled to St. John’s for an idyllic stay at the Windwardside Cottage. It just doesn’t get any more romantic or dreamy than this folks.

We had our one single room cottage that included a tiny kitchen and a king size bed with premium thread count sheets. (You haven’t slept until you’ve slept on 900+ thread count- it’s a whole new world!) Best of all we had an outdoor shower that led to a secluded, private hot tub. A few cocktails while gazing at the moon and each other, and well, let’s just say some personal records got set. Enuf said.

B&B Sex

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we’re heading to New Orleans for the Jazzfest. Instead of staying near the French Quarter which will no doubt be loud and rowdy (as it should be), I opted to book us to stay with Cindy of the Southern Comfort B&B. What a great host Cindy is. She helped me make the entire trip a surprise for my swubby. And, if TripAdvisor is right, and the often are, our stay is gonna be heaven. Quiet neighborhood, scrumptious breakfast, knowledgable host. Only trouble is:

Can we get wild while doing the wild thing?


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When Was the Last Time You Thanked Your Spouse?

March 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Image credit: Richard Vandenberg

This morning we got into a bit of a tiff over whether Handsome Son needs to clean his room more. It was a small storm but there was some residual tension in the air while we both did chores in the kitchen. I’m a big fan of Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret. So I decided to think hard about feeling grateful. I intended to be grateful for my guy, who is typically pretty wonderful. It may seem like nonsense but I think there’s something powerful there. Decide for yourself- visit her site

To further that intention, I started saying thank you to him. Thanks for folding the laundry. Thanks for taking it upstairs. Thanks for reminding not to burn my breakfast because I’m too engrossed in the newspaper. He ignored me at first, then slowly things changed. In no time we were back to normal. It worked!

There’s something about the energy or vibration of gratitude that works wonders on our hearts, don’t you think? Well, so does Dr. Robert Emmons who did study that linked gratitude and well-being. Turns out we’re more attentive, alert, and dare I say it- happy- when we realize our blessings.

I’m sure I could be more appreciative in my words (actions, I do fine). I was doing great then I forgot. It’s easy to do -what with kids, work… Yet, it’s the small moments that are the ‘glue’ that holds couples together. For those of you who want to know how to use gratitude to mend your relationship check out this article.

Have you said thank you lately to your sweetheart?

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Is it true that whomever makes the gold makes the rules in a marriage?

February 19, 2008 | 2 Comments

That’s a pretty ballsy statement, and probably not PC, but I wonder how many would agree with that privately.We say we’re all for equality in marriage but do we live that as a practice? I’d guess no, if our household is any indication. We don’t have a 50/50 split in terms of housework or finances at our house. The one more able to provide- time, money, brainpower, kisses-simply does, and because life is in flux, it all balances out. That is part of our commitment to each other.

I don’t have to tell you that money and marriage is a very complex issue. When I think more about this topic it becomes clear that part of the trouble is how we define work. How many times have you heard someone say, ‘Oh, I’m a mom. I don’t work’ or something similar? We’re all socialized to think that work that happens outside the home for pay is somehow more worthy, more significant, more period. Which is ironic because what’s more significant than creating and shaping the life of another human being?

Even if a woman works outside the home for pay, there’s a tendency to view the husband’s income as essential while the wife’s income is for extras. (Ok, I hear some saying who thinks like that? Plenty of people, and maybe even someone you’re married to. ) I think that puts a wife in the ‘less than’ position, which again shifts the balance of power over to the husband.

One I started poking around I found some interesting resources. Suze Orman, financial guru featured in Oprah magazine, has a fairly interactive online workbook for getting couples in ‘financial synch’ called A Couple’s Guide to Managing Money. I was also curious about Rhony Mahony’s book, Kidding Ourselves:  which discusses how we unwittingly make choices that lead to an unfair division of labor and applies sophisticated negotiation theory to family dynamics. Could be a fun Sunday read.

Does money equate to power in a relationship? And, if so, does being a homemaker have significant value to make that person powerful in the relationship?

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