Sexless Marriage: Isn’t Anybody Getting Any?
July 25, 2008 | 8 Comments
Maybe it’s because the weather is hot. Maybe I’m just in the mood. But recently, I’ve noticed a lot of talk about sex on the different marriage and relationship forums I frequent. That’s not a surprise. What I find shocking is how many yoomers ( my new word for young baby boomers) describe their marriages as ’sexless’.
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Relationship Memoir in 6 Words
June 27, 2008 | 46 Comments
Could you define your entire life in six words? I find that idea so mind-boggling yet annoyingly seductive. How would you do it, and if you did, what could you really say? That’s a fun thing to noodle about especially at 3 a.m. when you have insomnia. (uh, that might be just me). Read more
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Happy 4th!
Romantic Memoirs-the Finalists!
Ever have Dark Fantasies about Love and Marriage?
May 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Ok, I admit to having fantasies. And, if you’re honest you’ll admit you have them, too.
Now, I’m not talking about sexual fantasies, although those can be fun and bring a whole lot of spice back into a relationship. I highly recommend reading a book by Anne Rice (under a pen name) called The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. Whew, just thinking about it…is it hot in here? But, I’m talking about a different kind of fantasy entirely. Read more
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Sexless Marriage: Isn’t Anybody Getting Any?
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How Do You Stop Being Mom?
May 14, 2008 | Leave a Comment
My big day has passed. It seems strange that moms who dole out love and attention 365 days a year just get a single day to be recognized. But that’s another post… Right now, I’m wondering if you ever stop being a mom. My kiddos are nearing young adulthood. Miss Thang leaves for Occidental in August and Handsome isn’t too far behind.
I Hate You But Could You Pick up some Coke?
We’ll all in this very odd space. They don’t really need me anymore. Most of what they ask me for is simply out of habit–can you pick up some cola, drop off my clothes, get some band-aids– they are capable of doing any of this for themselves. And, yet they still ask. (No, my kids never said that but it made a catchy title)
At the same time, they want me to let go. Stop telling me–how to live, what to wear, who to be friend with– they feel their independence and express it, sometimes with little regard to my feelings. I’ve been preparing for this moment for years. And yet, I’m still not ready.
How Did You Do It?
How can I go from Supreme Commander of our household to a rank private and like it? How do I go from CEO calling the shots to a consultant making proposals. That’s what I feel like now. I propose ideas, solutions, advice that they disregard at will, sometimes at their peril.
Somebody out there has answers. Speak up, will ya?
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How Do You Re-invent Your Marriage?
May 1, 2008 | 4 Comments
One of the most startling things I’ve learned over the past 18 years as a mediator is how little control people believe they have over their own lives. I dealt mainly with the workplace, although I found the same is true at home. People are afraid to express their true desires.
I couldn’t do that. S/he won’t let me. What would I say?
You’ve probably said one of these yourself, or a variation, at some point. These phrases and mindsets have kept people trapped in unhappiness and frustration. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can break out of a rut.
I’ve always believed that my life was mine to create- the good and the not-so-good. I have the power to re-interpret circumstances and re-invent my life as needed. Or, at least that’s been true of my work life.
At home, I’ll admit to being less flexible. But that’s changing. I gave myself a talking to and took the counsel I’ve offered others: negotiate for your needs. Get clear about what you need- not simply want. There’s a difference. I’d like to eat chargrilled oysters from Acme Oyster everyday, but most days I need a nice meal, not spectacular.
Then, ask nicely.
I started with housework (we share more or we live with a mess). And, now I’m thinking about vacations. I want to re-invent how we think about enjoying vacations because lately it’s not much fun to go together (I’m better at dropping work pressures, I think) And, I realize I’d like to be able to go off alone without my swubby feeling abandoned or resentful. We just got back from a great trip to the Big Easy (boy, have I got video for y’all!) so we can start by looking at what made this trip so much fun.
Miles to Go Before We Sleep
This seems like only the beginning of the re-inventing we’ll need to do over the next decade or so. We’ve begun to negotiate what we each want for our ‘last home’, the place we’ll relocate to after the kids go off. I have a sense that there’ll be more talk about how we relate to friends as a couple once they’re gone, too. There’ll be more free time available that needs to be tagged as ‘me time’ or ‘we time’.
I’m certain we’re not the only ones making it up as we go, right? Why not take a moment to share what been useful for you, or whether marriage should be re-invented at all. Either way, it’ll be a good chat.
What would you recommend for couples who want to start over?
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About
Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
April 18, 2008 | 1 Comment
Lots of people are pretty excited about talking about midlife marriage, but every now and again I run into someone who is different. Recently I talked with Lois who couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to read a blog like this. She said,’My husband and I never argue.’ OK
It seemed to me that you prized the fact that they don’t fight. I bet there’s someone in your circle of friends just like that, too. Personally, I don’t get that perspective. Because if you don’t disagree at least once in a while, where is the growth? Where’s the connection? Where’s the passion? Of course, I don’t mean to say that all fighting is good, but there needs to be a little tussle or things get boring.
In fact, there’s an expression I heard somewhere that goes like this: If we both have the same thoughts, one of us is unnecessary. I count on my hubby to bring a different perspective into my life on a variety topics from politics (we regularly debate what will happen if Obama wins) to movies ( he loves foreign films while I adore period pieces) to the best way to pack (it’s never too early to start).
Conflict is scary, I know. But lots of good things can come out of it, too, like: a greater understanding of yourself or your spouse, a shared sense of accomplishment (after your resolve things), or a realization that you need help (mediators are a great tool. I may be biased about this after spending 18 years resolving disputes. Still, others agree conflict can be good. In fact, a good argument may just save your life according to this article
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Have we failed to teach our children enough about marriage?
What About Marriage Frightens You?
March 20, 2008 | 6 Comments
This is a 3 a.m. question. I have insomnia so I often get a chance to ponder a juicy 3 a.m. question.
Me+Me= We
I was afraid of losing myself to marriage when I was a young bride. I was frightened of being molded into someone else like a dutiful, boring wife . I’d be Mrs. Lawyer. Not Dina, the mediator. I didn’t want to change my ‘Dina-ness’
Wife +Mom=- Dina
That is what happened, of course, the minute I became a mother. I love my kids; they are my heart. But I lost me in trying to be the very best mother for them. It was years before I remembered what I liked to do on a Saturday. Marriage took it’s toll on Dina-ness, too.
Twice as Nice
Second time around the ol’ marriage block, things are different. No identity crisis–when I hit 40 my Dina-ness peaked. I’m all me– all the time–like it or lump it. Stubborn girl that I am, experience finally taught me a little more about love and what it truly looks like. (Hint: it doesn’t always look like you’d expect)
How Do You Stop the Sun from Shining?
This time around I worry about not having enough time together. I feel blessed to find my b’sheert. We’ve been together, my swubby and I, for eight years, with the last 2 as newlyweds. I’m happily married. (I wonder how many people would honestly say that?) Not without drama or difficulty, but it’s really nice. So much so, I’ll need at least another 20 years. My swubby says he’ll try to make that happen.
What about marriage keeps you up at night?
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Bitter, Sad or Nonexistent: Why Does Hollywood Hate Boomer Couples?
February 21, 2008 | 3 Comments
Julie Christie in Away From Her Julie Christie is an amazing actress. Her performance, in what’s been called the Alzheimer’s movie, Away from Her, is Oscar-worthy. Sophisticated, subtle and very powerful, it’s a grown up film about grown-ups in a long-standing marriage of forty years, what I lovingly call ‘the back-end of marriage’.
If you haven’t seen the film, don’t miss it when it hits Netflix . It’s such a disarming story; it stirred up a lot of thought at our house especially because we’ve had health threats that demanded we consider dark days that may be ahead. The movie also highlighted, for me, how infrequently we see ‘mature’ couples in the media. Alright, I mean old. I was reminded of that again this morning when I heard an NPR interview with Julie about the body of her work. (Did you know she’s had a very long career and won several Oscars and nominations, including two for performances she gave after 50?)
I’ve noticed that older couples are portrayed on TV as mean and bitter. For example, have you ever seen TV comedy show, Til Death? The couple hate each other. Could you get a more gruesome picture of love in the later years? The movies aren’t much better, and may be worse. Since not many actresses survive to act past forty it makes it hard to have middle aged couples (or older) at all. I hear that Brothers and Sisters does a nice job with Sally Field and Danny Glover, but I think that may be it.
Happily things may be changing. HBO featured Jane Alexander as part of a loving mature couple having -gasp!-sex. And, I’m not talking ‘close-your-eyes-and think of grand-kids’ sex. It was lusty stuff that made me pretty hopeful for the future. Tell Me You Love Me was an amazingly frank look inside the relationships of several married couples. There were times when I had to run from the room because the emotions were so raw, but I never missed an episode.
It felt real, like my life. I want more Tell Me and I don’t think I’m the only one.
Anyway, <i>Why are midlife couples ignored in the media?</i>
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Bop on over to Boomer Chronicles for Carnival #78