Sex Rev 2 Hooks Up With This Marriage Thing
September 1, 2008 | Leave a Comment
First, Guy Kawasaki and the Alltops gang call us sexy. Then, the adult film stars, Matt and Kym, send us some love. Now, Regia Lynn says we’re nice. What must my mother be thinking?
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Sexless Marriage: Isn’t Anybody Getting Any?
July 25, 2008 | 8 Comments
Maybe it’s because the weather is hot. Maybe I’m just in the mood. But recently, I’ve noticed a lot of talk about sex on the different marriage and relationship forums I frequent. That’s not a surprise. What I find shocking is how many yoomers ( my new word for young baby boomers) describe their marriages as ’sexless’.
Sex Rev 2 Hooks Up With This Marriage Thing
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July 18, 2008 | 7 Comments
I like to think I’m as ’smut-minded’ as the next person, able to dream up a juicy fantasy to act out at will. My swubby is a handsome guy with the sweetest lips. So, generally, all he needs to do is give me ‘the look’ and it’s on!
But you know how it is when you’ve been in a committed relationship. Familiarity is not the stuff ‘hotness’ is made from. After a while, your imagination fades, or at least, mine does. Short and sweet, we got bored with each other. (Warning- what comes next is adult content)
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Sex Rev 2 Hooks Up With This Marriage Thing
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Ever have Dark Fantasies about Love and Marriage?
May 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Ok, I admit to having fantasies. And, if you’re honest you’ll admit you have them, too.
Now, I’m not talking about sexual fantasies, although those can be fun and bring a whole lot of spice back into a relationship. I highly recommend reading a book by Anne Rice (under a pen name) called The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. Whew, just thinking about it…is it hot in here? But, I’m talking about a different kind of fantasy entirely. Read more
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How Do You Re-invent Your Marriage?
May 1, 2008 | 4 Comments
One of the most startling things I’ve learned over the past 18 years as a mediator is how little control people believe they have over their own lives. I dealt mainly with the workplace, although I found the same is true at home. People are afraid to express their true desires.
I couldn’t do that. S/he won’t let me. What would I say?
You’ve probably said one of these yourself, or a variation, at some point. These phrases and mindsets have kept people trapped in unhappiness and frustration. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can break out of a rut.
I’ve always believed that my life was mine to create- the good and the not-so-good. I have the power to re-interpret circumstances and re-invent my life as needed. Or, at least that’s been true of my work life.
At home, I’ll admit to being less flexible. But that’s changing. I gave myself a talking to and took the counsel I’ve offered others: negotiate for your needs. Get clear about what you need- not simply want. There’s a difference. I’d like to eat chargrilled oysters from Acme Oyster everyday, but most days I need a nice meal, not spectacular.
Then, ask nicely.
I started with housework (we share more or we live with a mess). And, now I’m thinking about vacations. I want to re-invent how we think about enjoying vacations because lately it’s not much fun to go together (I’m better at dropping work pressures, I think) And, I realize I’d like to be able to go off alone without my swubby feeling abandoned or resentful. We just got back from a great trip to the Big Easy (boy, have I got video for y’all!) so we can start by looking at what made this trip so much fun.
Miles to Go Before We Sleep
This seems like only the beginning of the re-inventing we’ll need to do over the next decade or so. We’ve begun to negotiate what we each want for our ‘last home’, the place we’ll relocate to after the kids go off. I have a sense that there’ll be more talk about how we relate to friends as a couple once they’re gone, too. There’ll be more free time available that needs to be tagged as ‘me time’ or ‘we time’.
I’m certain we’re not the only ones making it up as we go, right? Why not take a moment to share what been useful for you, or whether marriage should be re-invented at all. Either way, it’ll be a good chat.
What would you recommend for couples who want to start over?
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About
Bedtime Stories for Grown Ups
April 26, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I raved about the new Stephen King novel in a previous post and promised two more posts on related topics. Here’s the second of three , which I hope will give everyone time to get Duma Key: A Novel
The Magic of Storytelling
There once was a brother and sister who did everything together. They played together. They went to school together. But, the best thing the did together was have adventures.
Handsome, Miss Thang and I recited those words to start our nightly ritual of co-creating a bedtime story for many years as they were growing up.
Oh, the adventures we had with the magical rabbit who jumped down through their closet into a hollow of a tree trunk, transporting all of us to all kinds of new places with wonderful new powers. (As I recall being invisible was a big favorite.) They remember the stories fondly and so do I.
Those simple, silly stories allowed us to share our feelings, hopes and fears and connect with each other. There’s a lovely intimacy that’s born from sitting in the dark letting thoughts and feelings float overhead in the air. Storytelling is one of the oldest and most powerful forms of communication known to man. And, it’s not just for children.
Making up your own Make-Believe
Why not take co-creating to a new level? Create your own bedtime stories with your sweetie. Sometimes I can convince my honey to ’speak a story’ with me. He’s a musician- yeah vibes!- not a wordsmith so it feels awkward for him to spin a yarn. But he tries. We’ve both been surprised by where our collective imagination takes us and tells us about the other one. Honestly, I love to hear our thoughts intertwine, however, what’s more likely to happen is that he reads to me.
His deep, sonorous voice is a great source of comfort for me. It keeps my regular insomnia at bay. There’s nothing better than snuggling under the covers with my eye patch listening to his voice and making my own pictures in my head. Maybe I like it so much because it’s a form of caregiving. Whatever the reason, I highly recommend that you and your honey give it a try. I can almost guarantee a good result. (your mileage may vary)
A Word or Two about Book Selection
Difficult as it may be, try to find a book you’ll both enjoy. Also, make sure the book is not too exciting, if you know what I mean. We tried reading mysteries, which was a big mistake because I rarely wanted to stop. Not good for calming down to go to sleep.
If your goal is a bit more romantic excitement, I’ve got just the books for you. Anne Rice wrote a very sensuous series of books that turn the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale on its, well, bottom. The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty
When you’re done with these there’s bound to be sweet dreams!
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Is It Rude to Have Sex at a B&B?
April 12, 2008 | 2 Comments
Ok, that’s a little personal, I know. But, I’m curious. This whole thing got started when I read a recent article in the Boston Globe about hotel sex being better than at home. The author theorized that people love having hotel sex because hotels were probably the only place to get privacy, away from parents or roommates, during those early heady years of a relationship.
Hotel Sex
Thinking back to my first boyfriend in college (my first boyfriend ever, really), we did enjoy the freedom and excitement of being anonymous and, thereby unaccountable for strange, uh, noises and bumps that escaped the hotel walls. Heck, sex was so new everything about it was thrilling. Ahhh, back in the day…
Vacation Sex
Now that we have all the privacy we want the kicks of hotel sex have largely worn off. Although since we tend to rent houses instead of staying in box hotels, the right setting can really pay off. On our very first vacation we traveled to St. John’s for an idyllic stay at the Windwardside Cottage. It just doesn’t get any more romantic or dreamy than this folks.
We had our one single room cottage that included a tiny kitchen and a king size bed with premium thread count sheets. (You haven’t slept until you’ve slept on 900+ thread count- it’s a whole new world!) Best of all we had an outdoor shower that led to a secluded, private hot tub. A few cocktails while gazing at the moon and each other, and well, let’s just say some personal records got set. Enuf said.
B&B Sex
As I mentioned in an earlier post, we’re heading to New Orleans for the Jazzfest. Instead of staying near the French Quarter which will no doubt be loud and rowdy (as it should be), I opted to book us to stay with Cindy of the Southern Comfort B&B. What a great host Cindy is. She helped me make the entire trip a surprise for my swubby. And, if TripAdvisor is right, and the often are, our stay is gonna be heaven. Quiet neighborhood, scrumptious breakfast, knowledgable host. Only trouble is:
Can we get wild while doing the wild thing?
Duh! Did he say that?
Bitter, Sad or Nonexistent: Why Does Hollywood Hate Boomer Couples?
February 21, 2008 | 3 Comments
Julie Christie in Away From Her Julie Christie is an amazing actress. Her performance, in what’s been called the Alzheimer’s movie, Away from Her, is Oscar-worthy. Sophisticated, subtle and very powerful, it’s a grown up film about grown-ups in a long-standing marriage of forty years, what I lovingly call ‘the back-end of marriage’.
If you haven’t seen the film, don’t miss it when it hits Netflix . It’s such a disarming story; it stirred up a lot of thought at our house especially because we’ve had health threats that demanded we consider dark days that may be ahead. The movie also highlighted, for me, how infrequently we see ‘mature’ couples in the media. Alright, I mean old. I was reminded of that again this morning when I heard an NPR interview with Julie about the body of her work. (Did you know she’s had a very long career and won several Oscars and nominations, including two for performances she gave after 50?)
I’ve noticed that older couples are portrayed on TV as mean and bitter. For example, have you ever seen TV comedy show, Til Death? The couple hate each other. Could you get a more gruesome picture of love in the later years? The movies aren’t much better, and may be worse. Since not many actresses survive to act past forty it makes it hard to have middle aged couples (or older) at all. I hear that Brothers and Sisters does a nice job with Sally Field and Danny Glover, but I think that may be it.
Happily things may be changing. HBO featured Jane Alexander as part of a loving mature couple having -gasp!-sex. And, I’m not talking ‘close-your-eyes-and think of grand-kids’ sex. It was lusty stuff that made me pretty hopeful for the future. Tell Me You Love Me was an amazingly frank look inside the relationships of several married couples. There were times when I had to run from the room because the emotions were so raw, but I never missed an episode.
It felt real, like my life. I want more Tell Me and I don’t think I’m the only one.
Anyway, <i>Why are midlife couples ignored in the media?</i>
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Bop on over to Boomer Chronicles for Carnival #78