What About Marriage Frightens You?
March 20, 2008
This is a 3 a.m. question. I have insomnia so I often get a chance to ponder a juicy 3 a.m. question.
Me+Me= We
I was afraid of losing myself to marriage when I was a young bride. I was frightened of being molded into someone else like a dutiful, boring wife . I’d be Mrs. Lawyer. Not Dina, the mediator. I didn’t want to change my ‘Dina-ness’
Wife +Mom=- Dina
That is what happened, of course, the minute I became a mother. I love my kids; they are my heart. But I lost me in trying to be the very best mother for them. It was years before I remembered what I liked to do on a Saturday. Marriage took it’s toll on Dina-ness, too.
Twice as Nice
Second time around the ol’ marriage block, things are different. No identity crisis–when I hit 40 my Dina-ness peaked. I’m all me– all the time–like it or lump it. Stubborn girl that I am, experience finally taught me a little more about love and what it truly looks like. (Hint: it doesn’t always look like you’d expect)
How Do You Stop the Sun from Shining?
This time around I worry about not having enough time together. I feel blessed to find my b’sheert. We’ve been together, my swubby and I, for eight years, with the last 2 as newlyweds. I’m happily married. (I wonder how many people would honestly say that?) Not without drama or difficulty, but it’s really nice. So much so, I’ll need at least another 20 years. My swubby says he’ll try to make that happen.
What about marriage keeps you up at night?
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:Can a Post Nuptial Save a Marriage?
Empty Nest: The First Real Goodbye
Does Marriage Suck?
Comments
6 Responses to “What About Marriage Frightens You?”
Got something to say?
Thing thing that frightens me about marriage is that I won’t measure up. I fear that some time my wife will realize that she could do a lot better and move on.
I’ve mostly dealt with this fear, but it was a real fear for the first few years. Thanks for the post idea Dina!
So, you know that begs a new question, Cory. What helped you deal with the fear?
We went through a similar thing where after each fight I indirectly threatened to leave my hubby. I’d say stuff like Maybe this was a mistake, or If I was single I wouldn’t have to put up with this stuff. Basic emotional blackmail.
Once I realized, with the help of our therapist, that I was just trying to beat him to the punch, avoiding getting dumped, I stopped. He hadn’t left me, even when I was at my worst. So, I let that go.
What about you? What about others- how did you get past your fear?
And, Cory, I’m sure your wife knows a gem when she sees one!
d
I’m frightened that what we’ve got going now will continue. My husband is gone 4 days a week, and I feel alone but he feels buried in work. I’m losing my love. We are not well-connected or cohesive, but the others can’t even see it. I can’t stand this and yet don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m ready to burst my skin. Can it ever be good? I can’t see around the corner.
Lisa, thanks for reaching out. That must’ve been hard and I appreciate it. I believe that people ultimately want what’s good and know what that is, most of the time. Sounds like you might, too.
No, you can’t see around the corner, but do you really need to? And, I’m distinguishing between need and want here. Sure, we all want reassurance that we’re not making a mistake, that things will absolutely get better, that love will stay. But, you know as well as I do there are no guarantees.
What’s been enormously helpful to me is to see just a few steps ahead and holding will to keep walking. I simply trust that I’ll know the best thing to do when I see it.
Sending you wishes for peace and clarity.
d
[…] me. Time and location will pull us apart, and rightfully so. That’s why I’ve tried to maintain my ‘Dina-ness’ , my distinct identity as a person separate from being […]
[…] making the agreement. That’s probably true. The process of examining the values, beliefs, fears, assumptions, desires, etc is definitely a good thing. More couples would be happier if they […]