When Is It Time to Pack It In?
August 15, 2008
I’m pondering this because of my last post and after reading a question on my friend, Cory’s blog, A Good Husband. Deciding to get divorced was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made. I was terrified knowing that my decision would impact so many lives beyond my own. Having done it once, I will never do it again. Yeah, I said never. I’m totally committed to working out whatever comes our way. But would I advise my children not to divorce? I don’t know
What’s a parent to do?
My kids will tell you I’m a weird mom. Like a living version of that book, ‘Worst Case Scenarios’ that helps you figure out how to react if something unexpected happens like you drive off a bridge, I tried to lovingly prepare them some a few of life’s tough moments. So, we’ve talked about what makes a good mate. How to tell if a relationship is not good for you. What it means to be married. Of course, they didn’t listen- there’s teenagers- but I hope that some of it will stay in their consciousness when they need it.
This reader question from A Good Husband throws me for a complete loop. No way I could answer this. As always, I’m curious to hear what you think. Here’s the question:
Enjoy this post? Here are some more posts we think you might like:My daughter was married on 6/7/08 and six weeks into the marriage my new son-in-law says he doesn’t love her like that anymore. They are currently in counseling, individual and couples. They have been together for 5 years and now he is breaking her heart. She wants to work this out and he does not….the emotional roller coaster is painful for everyone. If he isn’t willing to try and make it work, how can I in good concience encourage her to keep trying as he continues to cause her pain? We never saw this coming and neither did she…..when do you give up?
What would you tell your child?
A big thanks to Cory for letting me ride on your coattails.
Is it Healthy Not to Argue?
What has traveling with your spouse taught you about yourself?
What About Marriage Frightens You?
Comments
7 Responses to “When Is It Time to Pack It In?”
Got something to say?
Archives
Blogroll
- A Good Husband
- Blackandmarriedwithkids
- Blogging Women
- Boomer Girl
- CA Marriage
- Cafe Glam- Fabulous after 40
- Contemporary Retirement
- Design Simple
- Don’t Gel Yet
- Expat Women Blog Directory
- Gen Plus
- Gratitude Circle
- I Remember JFK
- Life Two
- Midlife Blogger
- Midlife Crisis Queen
- So Baby Boomer
- The Baby Boomer Entrepreneur
- The Boomer Chronicles
- Vaboomer
- Wordpress Themes
I don’t have kids, so I’m even more stumped than you for an answer (what should a mother say).
In this situation, it really REALLY sounds like the husband has already found someone else. Men, generally, don’t leave a warm bed unless they’ve got another one lined up to jump into. I’m sure there are exceptions, but it doesn’t seem like this is one of them.
Maybe the best thing the parent can do is just not give advice…only give support? It must be excruciating for a parent to watch this.
I find it excruciating and it’s not even my child. I’ve had a front row seat as my daughter has struggled through relationship woes, and it ain’t pretty.
It feels like I’d want to kill anyone who hurt one of my children, and I’m only half joking. Yet, I know it’s impossible to shield them from the world or the people in it.
What support could this parent offer besides arms to comfort and a place to heal?
From my own hard experience, if he isn’t willing to work on the marriage, then it’s already doomed. I spent seven long years in a marriage where I was supposed to do all the work. Getting out of that trap and lots of therapy and decisions about what I did and did not want in a mate finally brought me to a place where I’ve now been married to my DH for over 16 years. We have a true partnership, like I’d never experienced before, and it’s wonderful, even through the “worse” parts.
I don’t think I’ll ever be in the position of divorcing the man I’m married to now, but I wouldn’t hesitate to divorce again if I were married to a man who was abusive (And announcing he no longer loves her in “that way” is abuse; she undoubtedly feels less desirable and flawed from such statements), or even one where I was expected to carry the entire workload. A marriage is a partnership, not a burden for one person to shoulder. If he won’t pull his weight, kick him to the curb and focus on healing from such a wicked blow.
The mother shouldn’t be giving an opinion one way or the other unless she is ask. What she needs to realize is that any encouragement or advice she gives is going to fall on deaf ears. Nothing is going to matter in her daughter’s situation until her daughter makes up her own mind that it is time to give up the fight to save her marriage.
All she can do is be there to support the daughter when she finally sees that she is fighting a losing battle.
I have two boys. I hope they never go through a divorce. I’ve been there and work with it daily. It isn’t something I wish on my worst enemy.
I made a promise to myself that if it ever happens to either of my boys I will keep my mouth shut unless ask for an opinion. Being the kind of person who ALWAYS has an opinion, keeping my mouth shut isn’t going to be easy. Especially when it comes to my children’s suffering.
In my work experience and personal experience I’ve found the less people involved in martal problems or divorce the better. Unless you can be objective and see both sides of the story mother or not, you have no business in someone else’s marital problems.
I’m one mother who would not be able to be objective so my plans are to stay out of the way and trust my boys to take care of their own problems.
While I know you have a point, Cathy, I don’t think I could ‘butt out’ entirely. And, funny thing is, being objective has been my business as an Ombuds for years.
I keep seeing this image: my girl or boy crossing the street into the path of a speeding mack truck. I see it. They may see it but misjudge the speed or distance. I can’t help but yell out- run!
Whether they do or not is up to them, I guess.
Hey Dina,
Butting out wouldn’t be easy. I remember telling my daddy, in my early twenties to stop calling me “baby.” He informed me that I would never get to old for him to stop consider me his baby.
I feel pretty much the same way about my boys. They will always be my babies and I will always have that urge to warn them of that speeding mack truck. My oldest is 24 and I’m already finding that I have to stifle that urge at times. Not in major life threatening situations of course but there are some lessons in life he is going to have to learn on his own and he won’t learn them if I’m there telling him to run or what I feel he should do.
I will let my opinion be known if he is about to marry someone I don’t feel would be good for him. My daddy tried to warn me and I didn’t listen and I fully expect my son not to listen either.
I’m sure that if he ever goes through a divorce it won’t matter what my opinion is or whether I encourage him or discourage him. He will do what he wants to do and if he ever needs me he will come to me. That is the problem I have with the mother’s question. She wants to know how she can continue to encourage her daugther to work on her marriage.
What she isn’t understanding is that her daughter is going to do what she wants regarding her marriage whether her mother encourages her or not. As parents we have to learn to view our grown, married children as adults with a mind of their own and hopefully sense enough to get out of the way of that mack truck.
If they don’t then we have to be there to help with the pain afterwards.
I would advise my daughter to cut her losses and let him go. No one is worth that much pain. And once she makes the definite decision to let go, she will be able to begin the healing process. I have walked in her shoes, so I can say this from experience. Also let her know that she will love again, and that sometimes love is better the second time around. I will remember her in my prayers.