Which is Harder: Getting or Keeping a Spouse?

August 20, 2008

2couples.jpg Curious question, isn’t it? I know there are some people out there having a heck of a time finding a spouse. I mean no offense, really. I kissed more than my fair share of frog before my prince came along. It just seems that the dating-mating ritual is oh, shall we say, more fun and that marriage is work.

Falling Leaves

We did one of my favorite things in the world this weekend- eating dim sum. There’s nothing better than the glee and anticipation that fills my heart as one of those steaming carts approaches. Shrimp shrouded in rice noodles, spare ribs with fermented black beans and pork wrapped bean curd always make it to the table. I got adventurous and tried….chicken feet. Much better tasting than it looks, although the bones can be a little tricky. There’s a good reason those words translate to ‘heart’s desire’.

My dim sum meals are typically limited to once every three months or so because of the high sodium levels. I owe a debt of gratitude to my swubby’s old high school friend, Sam, for the pleasure. After studying and traveling the world, he’s come home to roost. Or, at least, date. Sam’s kind of a serial dater. Each girlfriend lasts for a few months to a year or so then falls away like a leaf from a tree in fall.

Sunday we met Sam, his latest girlfriend Lyn, and a few of their friends. I suspect there was an ulterior motive behind our invitation. You see, we’re the ‘appropriate married couple’. Women like to know that the men they date have a well-rounded friend set- hang buddies, women friends and married couples. I looked for that when I was single. You can tell a lot about a guy from his friends, or lack thereof. I’m betting Lyn wanted to check out the friends, which is fine because we wanted to meet her, too. What a delightful woman she is. Confident. Thoughtful. Interesting. Open. Very pretty and smart. Everything a mom would love…and that’s the problem.

Cheaper not to Keep Her

Lyn may become one of the falling leaves. She’s definitely marriage material from my limited observation, and that spells trouble because Sam is not the marrying kind. We debated this point after lunch. Going over some of the finer details as married folks do, I exclaimed, “That’s why he can’t get a wife”. And, my swubby said something brilliant. It’s not hard to get a wife, it’s difficult to keep one. He hit the nail right on the head.

Sam is a catch. He’s tall, athletic, good looking. He can charm the bees out of their hive when he wants something. Really, I bet he’s a great date. He has to be because women will travel across the globe to visit him. He knows how to woo a gal, but not how to keep her. He faces the same question married people and those in committed relationships face: How do I stay in love and like with this person in good times and bad? How do I keep a spouse?

I don’t think he’s found the answer yet. Honestly, I haven’t found the answer either. That’s why I write this blog. I assume, maybe incorrectly, that the answer will be in our collective wisdom. What I know for sure is the thrill is in the discovery of another person. Perhaps, happily married people are inherently curious about themselves and their partners so that they constantly strive to know more, know better ways to relate. I’ve touched this topic in earlier posts here and here.

What do you think? Which is harder: getting or keeping a spouse?

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Comments

One Response to “Which is Harder: Getting or Keeping a Spouse?”

  1. devil on August 20th, 2008 3:00 pm

    Obviously, keeping a spouse is harder than getting one. That’s why more than half of all marriages end in divorce - marriage is hard.

    Sam’s smart not to get married at his age. He has so much to lose if it doesn’t work out. Very few men can live alone for the long-term, but those who can tend to have great lives. Every single man I know (of any age) has plenty of female company

    I’ve been married 19 years (first and only marriage), but even I have to admit that marriage isn’t for everyone.

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